Again

I just feel so lost. I keep wondering if I have made the right decisions. I feel so alone. Broken and tired. Lately I feel like all I do is lay in pain and sleep. Just taking care of myself until I start to feel normal again. I'm sad. All the time I feel sad. I am bummed at the way everything turned out. It seems like everything changed in the blink of an eye. I was so happy and things were going so well and now this. I'm just so overwhelmed by everything that's happened. I don't even know where to begin to sort it all out. But I do know that I don't want to be this woman. I don't even recognize myself anymore. My heart is broken in a million pieces. I want to lay in bed until I wake up and everything is okay. I thought I knew heartbreak and grief before. This is like nothing I have ever known. But I'm hopeful, one day at a time things are getting better.

Sex and relationships... relationships and sex?

I think a man loses a little respect for a woman when it all happens so fast. Like fire, when it's so hot and powerful it burns out quickly. Whether or not you want to agree, it's true. It was too easy for him. The man that I see now and the goofy boy that came to pick me up for the Rose Festival are two very different people. G said to me that it never would have worked out. I guess that's true, he was never looking for a relationship, he was rebounding. And I guess I sort of was too. I shouldn't have got involved. It was too soon for me and I want something different. Something more than I had with Buzz or with any of the other little boys that follow me around hoping for a piece. I'm ready for something serious. A commitment and a relationship. I waited for so long with Buzz and we went back and forth and I'm still not sure what really happened or how I would define our relationship. When I was with him it was so different and so much better than anything I had ever had. I fell hard almost instantly because he is a good man. He offered me everything Buzz hadn't. And I was a sucker for it. I still don't really know what happened. It was good and then it wasn't. I know a lot of it was me. I am a lot to handle. I have been cheated on and pushed around and left alone more times than I care to say. I think a lot of that is my fault to. I set myself up for disappointment. I want what I want and I'm not good at communicating my needs and when I do it never comes out right. I have a passion and an intensity that scares even me sometimes. I feel very deeply and I love openly and give myself freely. I think that I overcompensate because I want so bad to be wanted and loved back. I tried daily to remind myself that you were not him. I can't punish G for everything Buzz did wrong. But part of me still tried. I hung around longer than I should have because I honestly thought that we could work it out. But it can't work when we are stuck on the same issues. I can't change him. He can't change me. It is what it is.

Alone

I'm tired of seeking approval. I'm waiting for the phone to ring. Or checking my facebook. I blocked him from my facebook and yet I keep checking, thinking maybe by some miracle of computers and the internet, he may have messaged me. What I want is for him to show up on my doorstep saying he's sorry and he loves me. Or just that he's sorry and he wants me back. Or if he text. Or if he messaged. It's stupid really. Most the time I won't even wait for him to say he's sorry. It's ridiculous. I'm being ridiculous. Waiting around and wasting my time. It hurts though, to feel rejected and alone. I keep wondering when it will finally happen for me and why it hasn't yet. Why can't I just find a good guy that genuinely wants to be with me? It's exhausting to think about nothing but the failing relationships in my life. I have been trying to focus that energy else where. Productive things like work and reading. My skin is tired and I have dark circles. I have been so distracted letting myself think of nothing else. It's hard to be alone. To really be alone and allow that feeling to overwhelm. I'm lonely regardless. So I might as well be alone too. It's either that or the constant back and forth of a relationship that doesn't work. At some point you are either moving back or progressing forward. We can't just stand still. I don't want to go back. Life is about advancement. It's not working. That much I can see. We can only do so much. So I need to change the things I can. I can change that I don't have to talk to them. All those little boys running around thinking they are men. I can't find a good man when I'm distracted by all of this other drama.

Blowing up the cell phone

So we had a fantastic weekend together. But here it is Monday and I haven't heard from him. I text him earlier and have never heard back. This is what I don't understand about men. We aren't stupid. Since the invention of the cell phone everyone, even ten year olds, have their phone on them 24 hours a day. We keep them on at night, plugged in by our beds in case someone might call us in the middle of the night. So when I text you and never hear back all day, all night, and all morning. There is an issue. I'm trying to not to be crazy and to act crazy but come on! In my heart I know this is probably not working, nor will it ever. I need someone who doesn't mind if I call or text and who calls and texts me. I just want a little reassurance that you like me, you want me, and you are thinking about me. That's not so much to ask is it. I imagine that no man will ever make me entirely happy and I am willing to take that chance to find some who has most of it. The way I feel with G3 is so different than Buzz. I love being with him. I want to see him all day everyday. It's weird an overwhelming and I can't control it. I do realize that we were together all weekend, but I would spend tonight with him too. And tomorrow. It's absolutely ridiculous. I thought about Buzz a lot recently because he has called a couple times. I miss him. I really do, some parts of him are amazing. I loved being with him. When I was with him. I was thinking about it though and I have probably spent more time collectively with G3 than I ever did the past few months I was with Buzz. G3 and I have probably had more sex, definitely had more dates and less fights. I realize now that it doesn't have to be like this. I don't have to stay with Buzz, there are other men out there. And maybe G3 isn't it either. But I know for right now. He is definitely a step in the right direction. I just hope that he will have enough patience to deal with me.

Flame to a paper

His dark eyes dared me with danger and sparks fly like flame to a paper. Fire in his touch burning me up, but still I held on.

It feels like my heart is on fire. I can’t quite breathe all the way. I'm so frustrated and I feel so trapped to say anything about it. I'm stuck in this gray area...again. How did I end up here? Was it me? Was it him? A combination of too many issues and way to much baggage to come together as a productive healthy relationship. My heart hurts again. I feel alone and worse even, I feel lonely. I miss him and I didn't know that was possible. Everything happened so fast. It was like a fire. That first night was the spark and it was only a matter of time before the whole thing went up in flames. My girlfriends keep saying, whatever, you are better than that, he's an asshole. They would never tell me that maybe in fact, it's me that's the problem.

Crazy for you

I am terrified of this situation I got myself into. I am not quite sure I can even find the words to say exactly what I am feeling. I like him so much I am terrified he will leave. I am trying to keep myself calm enough not to freak out like the crazy bitch I am. But I'm afraid it's wait too late for that. I already freaked out a little bit. It's like I could feel myself getting a little batty and I couldn’t stop it. I'm still not really sure why. I don't feel like it should be all my fault, but I'm positive it probably is. Or maybe I just think it is because it always was. I had a very long chat with a very close friend tonight and she really opened my eyes to what I am doing in this relationship. My past is not his fault. What happens in the past should stay exactly there. He is not Buzz. He will not do the same things that Buzz did. He will not say the things Buzz said. This situation is completely new. Our relationship is completely new. I can't keep punishing him for Buzz's mistakes.

Do you like me?

He's everything Buzz wasn’t. He wants to be with me and he is proud of me. He doesn't care if I drink to much and freak out. Or act like a girl and get bitchy. I want to be with him all the time. I have so much fun when we are together, every night is a good night. I want to tell everyone about it. I want to tell everyone in my life every detail of the night, but when I try to remember I can't. I just know it was close to perfect. It's silly. I'm smiling just writing about it. We had a chat the other day after partying all night. He called me his girlfriend. It scared the hell out of me. But I kinda liked it. I have thought a lot about what I would call him and I finally found it. For those of you who know me and the men who have graced my past, I rarely am satisfied just once. For this he earns the nickname G3, because as we know, the third times a charm.