I'll never talk again, oh boy you've left me speechless

I don't know how to feel. What to think or what to do. I am confused by what happened and how. Things were going well and then they weren't. Which is pretty standard these days. I feel like I am living in a constant state of chaos. My heart is bruised. I'm not worried about being alone. I enjoy being alone. I don't know why I feel sad. When one leaves there are three more waiting to take his place. After everything we went through, I'm surprised that G is one waiting in line. Smart enough to realize he f*cked up and trying to make it better. No one is perfect or without flaws. Especially me. I continue to make mistakes. Do and say the wrong thing, even though I know better. I guarded my heart this last time with him. Took things slow and held my own pace. I thought we were headed toward the future together. I thought we were on the same page and things were good. I feel stupid, like I knew but wouldn't accept it. It seems like no matter what I do or how I change the outcome is the same. I don't know what's next or what the next step is. I still feel the same disappointment regardless of time spent. A one night stand, a friend with "unresolved chemistry", Tommy Loewen, Tommy Hogan, Charlie, Brad, Ethan, Matt R, Matt S, Matt D, Matt M, Andrew, Kyle, DJ, Jordan, Joel, Garrett, Joey, Ian, Gregg, Frank, John, Eric, Jimmy, the list goes on and on. Since I was 16, men have been coming and going. It's like a revolving door of disappointing experiences. 10 years of dealing with men. I'm done trying. It's to much work to figure someone else out. I always know what I'm doing and what I'm feeling and what I'm thinking. That's enough work. Keeping myself from self-destruction on a daily basis, while trying to keep sales up, manage two employees, take care of the dog and the house, do the laundry, all the while also trying to be the perfect friend, girlfriend, sister, daughter and employee. I deserve someone to take care of me for once. To not be "confused" or "unsure of what he wants". I've said it before, I will say it again, "He's just not that into me." So be a man and fucking say it. Don't text it. Don't email it. Don't kick me out of a relationship on facebook. Don't send a telegram or charter a plane across the sky. Grow a pair and talk to me like an adult. Things don't work out everyday. I disappoint people everyday. I didn't meet my goals. I forgot to send that contract. The proposal is too high. I didn't call that client back. I didn't go to my friends house. I couldn't make it to dinner with my parents. As an adult, I take responsibility for all of that. I don't avoid it or make excuses. It's simple really, just living in the truth. Maybe try it some time.

I don't want a relationship with you

Never let the boys come back after they have f*cked it up. It never works out the second time and the first time should have been warning enough, but as women we are forgiving creatures. And as Jessica. I am one of the most forgiving of them all. I give freely and openly. I believe that people are genuinely good. I believe that relationships can work. And I believe that he is different. I always believe that though and he never really is different. And they all say the same thing, I'm not like him. Blah blah blah. Tell your story walking. I let him come back around too. Boundaries. I set them and then don't stick to them. Something that always bites me in the ass. I was into it. A mild flirtation and some pretty heavy sexting. I am seeing someone now. Finally a really good man. But I wanted to keep Boston around a little bit longer just in case. A girl does need options. Plus it was fairly harmless. We actually haven't been together in person in almost a month and I'm pretty sure texts aren't cheating. When I'm writing them. I probably would have let it go farther but now with the latest development I don't need or want to. I don't know why as women when a man doesn't want us, we want them a little bit more. Not to mention I was curious to see what he could do in person after a couple hours of some pretty hot nights. I'm kind of a bitch. We all know this. It's not really a secret. I never promised to be sunshine and kittens all day everyday. So I text him. I wanted him to come over. I hate to be ignored. Fastest way to piss me off. What person since the invention of the cell phone doesn't have it on them? An hour maybe. You are taking a shower, getting the mail, walking the dog. I get it. But more than that and something is fishy. I forget my cell at home and it's serious cause for panic. Enough to chance being late to work to turn around and get it. I wasn't born yesterday. Come on. So I decided to say something, after being ignored all day. And I'm sick. I wanted a little TLC.

"Thanks for ignoring me all day. I hope you enjoy your day off tomorrow!" I text him. Really not the bitchiest thing I've ever said. And it wasn't really all that undeserving. I would say the same thing to any one of my friends and I have before. You can ask them.

I erased his messages. Something I do when I am angry enough. I feel like it is a cleansing of my energy and then later when I want to re-read and laugh about them to myself I'm a little annoyed for feng shuing my phone. His message said something like, you know what Jessica, I'm tired of this, I must be still leading you on, I can fix this, I don't want a relationship with you.


Hold up. First, who said anything about a relationship. Why are men always jumping to conclusions? Sometimes women just want to f*ck too. We can't say anything. Hi, how is your day going? Um, I'm not really looking for a relationship right now. Uh, yeah okay. Second, I'm seeing someone now. And I wasn't going to tell you before. But now that the claws have come out, you are my back up plan. And not my back up relationship plan. My back up, he's not quite getting the job done, sext and possibly more plan. Third, come on. Look at me. I have no trouble finding men who want to play house, have sex, or send me naughty texts. I could have 90% of the straight men at work and half the gays. So really all he did was piss me off. Please. Next time save me the carpal tunnel and just weed yourself out at the beginning. I know it's hard to do. I am a pretty bad ass bitch.

Birthday Texts

So he waited until my birthday to give me the Jessica we can be friends speech. And via text message no less. My initial reaction was, you have got to be kidding me. I'm not even surprised. Fucking fantastic, I responded to him. I forwarded the message to Jocelyn.

She called me at work, laughing. "I'm not even surprised that happened to you."

"I know, right?" I laughed. "I'm not even surprised either, it's like eh all in a day."

All in a birhtday for me anyway. Last year a different boy f*cked with my head. I didn't answer the phone all day. Didn't want to talk to anyone and didn't want any one to say Happy Birthday. Jocelyn and I met at Roadhouse for a non-celebratory dinner. We ordered 32 oz beers and the guy looked at Jocelyn.

"Rough day?" He asked as he checked our ID.

"No, just a Monday." She answered. He left and didn't say happy birthday after checking my ID. "What the f*ck? Why put a 32 oz beer on the menu if they don't want me to order it? And worse he made me feel bad."

It was the worst service ever and the food was bad. I drove home and finished the night crying myself to bed early. F*cking fantastic.

So no one at work this year even knew it was my birthday this year except my assistant. Don't worry, last week for her birthday we had a potluck and cake, but for my birthday I got confetti on my desk and a pink Starbucks donut. Hey, so far it's an improvement. I will take it. I realized tonight that I haven't had a decent birthday since pre war zone with Buzz. Back when I turned 24 and met Ian. He was perfect, doesn't even need a nick name. Ian and I have broke it off twice now and I still have no hard feelings for him. It was always fun. He is a keeper. From that first night I fell out of Heaven and he still continued to come around. No matter how drunk I got, how many times I fell, how many times I bitchy text him, he was always good to me. And he was always up for a good time. I can't even remember how many nights we have spent together, walking home from Macs to Adro's old house, walking home from Macs to Adro's new house. I adore him still. Although waking up with the marks he liked to leave it was like I was dating a vampire. I guess I might as well, that's very trendy these days.

This birthday wasn't much better, but not much worse so I guess that's a good thing. Now he's not talking to me at all after a couple of bitchy texts that evening. I feel bad, but I was vulnerable. Two shitty birthday's and one shitty year is a lot to handle. Although, I'm certain there are more productive ways to handle it, I haven't found one yet. I'm not that mad about it anymore. I feel bad that things worked out this way.

Jocelyn said, "Why are you sad? You didn't even really like him that much."

"Did I not? I couldn't tell this time. I think I liked him."

"No, you didn't."

"Eh, you are probably right. But I hate it when they don't like me!"


I'm not sure whether or not I liked him or just wanted him around. I know that this was not how I anticipated things happening and that the part that really frustrates me is I can't even remember the fun stuff. It's like a cruel joke. It's like I have been waiting this whole time to make out with him and I have no recollection at all. I just know that I woke up naked and that's never a good sign when he is sitting next to you fully clothed and shoes on. It's comical. Then the hangover hits. Freaking meds. By the way, the side effects are memory loss and did we forget to mention that could happen. Like the mouth sores and the muscle cramps and the insomnia. Is it worth to cure one ailment for the suffering of everything else? I'm not sure what's worse. I feel good. I feel like they are working. The side effects seem minimal in comparison. And maybe it will get better, the doctor said to give it 6 weeks. So I'm naked and completely unaware as to why and he is sitting there looking at the clock and telling me it's time to go. Great. So then the message comes and I sort of figured. I'm blonde but come on. I woke up naked and you are worried about being to work on time. And then I don't hear from him for two days. Never a good sign. Oh well. I want to keep texting him and make him forgive me. There is enough sanity and calm still in my mind saying, let it go, Jessica. And I'm sure its time.

Faith

His story is very short. By his choice not mine. It's funny really when the very reason that someone likes you and is attracted is the same reason that keeps them away. I know I'm not perfect. I am very aware of my shortcomings. I start every group the same way, "I'm Jessica, and I'm a faithful believer." I believe that things will get better and that this is all part of the plan. It's easier and defines me in a way other than, "I'm Jessica. I am codependent. I suffer from anxiety and depression I struggle with habits I can't seem to kick and addictions that I don't want to admit I have. I confuse sex with intimacy, and I use men to fill a loneliness I can't quite seem to kick on my own. " I realize these things are wrong and I am really trying to fix what I can. I don't hide who I am. This is me. This is it. This is who I was made to be. I have never hidden my faults, but where display and speak of them openly. I said to him one of the first nights we hung out, "Oh wow, this is really becoming a shit show." He brought it up again, and I found it endearing that he found endearing something I was horribly embarrassed about. He is a good man. Possibly too weak to be my other half but a good man nonetheless. He apologized today for what I'm still not sure. I know he didn't really do anything wrong but be open about his feelings with me and I criticized him for that. Destructive anger. I reacted faster than I could stop myself and after I calmed down it was too late. I'm not sure how to redeem myself and at some point I have to allow myself to stop. When things go south my tendency is to talk about it. Write about it. Chat with friends about it. I want to fix it. Make it better. Apologize. It's hard because men don't want to talk about it. They don't want to read about it. Or discuss it in details while you read a bullet pointed list of what exactly needs to be fixed in the relationship. I hate to feel this helplessness. This overwhelming sense that there is literally nothing I can do. It truly is faith to just accept that I cannot control him. Or you. Or her. I can barely control me. Let's rephrase that. I can't control me. I try. I do the very best I can. And most days, that still isn't good enough. Everything will be okay though. Have faith.

Relationships....

I am amazed at where I have been this past few months. I picture everyone in a room, sitting around talking about me. As if I am that important. It is really wasted time and energy to sit around and wonder about what other people are thinking. I have no control over it. That truly is the "wisdom to know the difference". I cannot control them. What they think about me, how they feel about me, what they believe to be true about me. I am feeling good these days. Really good. Happy and healthy. I am always surprised how easily I fall into the same patterns though. With Buzz. He's calling, calling, calling. And I always answer. But lately, I don't really feel like talking. I'm tired of jumping through hoops like a f*cking circus poodle. He said tonight, "What? Have you been reading Cosmo? 15 ways to get your man to pay attention?" I said to him, "You're not my man." Bitch, please. He keeps telling me I am lucky that he calls. Am I? F*ck. He is so much work! He says to me, "Who is over there? There are men there?" I'm thinking, "Baby, you keep me busy enough." He knows what I want. It's not surprise to him. He isn't in the dark. He knows my heart and exactly what to say to make me feel connected to him. He is working it. And I'm falling for it. So then, after a bottle of wine, I'm sitting here getting the usual sexts. All the men hanging around have got to get a word in and I give them a little bit back. My mom has always said, you can never have too many friends. I'm in charge. I'm the boss. I thought that today while I was staying late to finish billing and thinking this is why I'm not the assistant. I have got to get sh*t done. I let Buzz pretend to be in charge. He told me tonight, "Okay, I'll play along." Of course you will. Play along. I don't have the time or the energy to pretend and the fact that I will spend even an hour on the phone with you is proof enough that I can't be that big of b*tch you actually think I am. I probably am though. Oh well. I do take some regard to exactly the situation before I get involved, which makes me cautious about everything going down. If G was still at work, I would have probably been fired by now. I hate even knowing that he still has friends there, because I can only imagine what they are saying to him. I have already heard the rumors from his so called friends. I can put together about what he thinks about me. I got b*tches mean mugging me from across the restaurant. I get it. I wasn't born yesterday. I may be blonde but I do get what's going on. It is hard though still. I feel sad. I got on his myspace tonight and looked at shit, I definitely shouldn't look at now and probably should have known about then. Any man that can't take his b*tch off the myspace has got more going on then I can deal with. I should be taking lessons. I do consider myself to be a badass bitch, but when this one can even leash me, that is impressive. No wonder. I don't blame him. Never did, never will. Yes, I am angry that he ran me to hell and back. Wait... He ran me to hell and left me there to fend for myself. Not exactly the man of my dreams. I'm coming back though. With a vengeance.

Blessings in Disguise

I am truly amazed at how evil people can be to one another. Especially women. Women are terrible to each other. I was thinking about it all night and why would this be the case. I still can't find the answer. Another woman hurt me today. Standing in front of a cowardly man, a woman I have never me before said some of the most hurtful things I have ever experienced. She didn't even know me. She knew my name. But she doesn't know me. She doesn't know that I have two dogs that misbehave and I love them anyway. She doesn't know that my mom is in the hospital and that I am disappointed I can't be with my family right now. She doesn't know that I struggle with panic attacks and anxiety. Or that I am battling depression. She doesn't know that my best friend is getting married in two weeks and I am slightly overwhelmed by the planning. She doesn't know that my dad and Vicki got baby goats this weekend, or that I am going over Sunday to see them. She doesn't know that I just got a huge raise and for the first time in my life I am making enough money to pay my rent and my cable in the same month. She has no idea the very details that make up my spirit. She may believe what he's told her. But she doesn't know me. Jocelyn knows me. She knows that sometimes I am flaky and that I keep telling her I will come visit and as bad as I want to I haven't made it there yet. She knows it could be another month but that I will keep my promises. Amber knows me. She knows that I am never enthusiastic about hanging out because I'm so private but that I always love to see her. She knows that we may not see each other again for awhile but when we do it will be like we were never apart. Kristi knows me. She knows that I have been really struggling with some of the decisions I have had to make these days and that I will probably still continue to make poor ones. She knows that I am comfortable telling her anything and that I always will. Stephanie knows me. She knows that I will call her whenever I need her and I know that she will always be there. She knows that I will never leave her side because I am my own person and that she can believe I will always be truthful. Darci knows me. She knows that I order Hamms in a can because it's the cheapest beer out there and that you only ever have buy one. Darci knows exactly when I don't like something or I am acting fake because I am always myself around her. They know every piece of my heart and the love me anyway. They know my character. The know my spirit. They know the hardships I have faced in life and they continue to walk beside me through more. I consider them extensions of my heart. I am amazed and inspired by them daily. I am grateful for my friends. These woman would never believe rumors about me because they know my character. They know exactly who I am, including my faults. I never made promises that I would be anything that I'm not. I have flaws. I make mistakes. I make poor choices and worse decisions. I react in anger before I think about the repercussions. I am completely honest to a fault. I struggle with my weight and at times in causes me to be insecure. I'm not always a good person but I am always a friend. Friendship is an unconditional love and respect. I trust everyone. I think that is my biggest fault. Actually that's not true, I don't trust everyone. I genuinely believe that people are good. I trust that people are good until I have reason not too. Rumors are vicious things. There are always two sides to ever story, but only one side ever gets told. She believes what he is telling her about me although I am certain he has left some details out. As humans, we can always spin a story to sound exactly how we want it to. Especially when the person you are talking about isn't around to defend themselves. I lost the energy to defend myself anyway. I wanted to fight back. I was angry and hurt be this girl, not even a woman, spouting off about a situation she knows nothing about. Not to mention, this little boy I thought was my friend is talking negatively about something I shared with him in confidence. Ultimately I feel like I brought this on myself. I fed into the drama and the lies because I was so angry. Here are two people who know nothing about me, I won't even dignify them with names. Him a boy to cowardly to speak to me himself, sending a woman in to fight for him. And to be honest, I still I'm not sure what or why just happened. Then there is her, a girl who knows nothing about me, has never met me, and has the edacity to say such hurtful things to me. When everything she says is based of lies he is telling her. I was floored. My feelings were hurt and I was upset. I felt embarrassed and ashamed. Betrayed. I felt helpless and hopeless. I wanted to react in anger and fight back, but a friend told me tonight to let it go. And I realize now that is all I can do. People say hurtful things because they don't know any better. It is not about her or what she has to say. Who I am has nothing to do with who she says I am or he says I am or who G says I am. I am me. This is who I am. And I won't offer apologies for it anymore.

The Blame Game

I am tired. Tired of feeling sad and overwhelmed. Hopeless. For woman at this stage, many thoughts run through our minds. Vindication. Redemption. Our minds are full of what ifs, and what might have been. Maybe what SHOULD have been. There are many reasons relationships fail. We like to blame them on you. But what if all along the problem is us. Me in particular. I do seem to be the common denominator. Maybe all this time I thought he wasn't ready and really all this time its been me. I have so much going on that I need to work on. I can't even begin to think about someone else to. But I want to. I want so much to be in a relationship with a good man, who really loves me. I'm not even sure I know one of those or if it really exists. But I can be hopeful. Even when there are so many reasons to give up and so many temptations to resist. It's not easy to do when there are so many reasons not to believe.