Silence

First, I want to change how I write. I am thankful for a safe place to call home. I am thankful for a shower. I am thankful for my sisters. I am thankful for Lindsey. I am thankful for Dionne. I am thankful for the church and the women there who recognize my worth everyday rather than just my “good” days. I do not want eveyuthing I write to be negative or angry but when we are stuck in a shitty situation more often then not that is what happens. I wrote this next passage last night. Ignoring and silence is a trigger for me. I do not, have not, will not, ever respond well to this. It is mean and hurtful. No response, no response, no response. I must say I am powerless to control the anger that has overtaken me. I am powerless to control the emotion, the rage and the sadness I feel. And here we are again. I must tell you that this is one of the douchiest things ever done to me by a man. I guess I’m not surprised. I have wrote before about the scorpion and the frog and this is his nature. I know him better than he thinks. I know this is what he does. He leaves. He ignores. He runs. I know he would make a conscious choice to hurt me like this and I’m not even a little bit surprised. We have done all this before. Same shit different day. Silence as a weapon is one of the nastiest forms of abuse. And that’s all it is. Abuse. What he does to me is abuse. And I continue to allow it. So I guess what I have realized is that I am the one that needs to change. I’m guess he thinks things will be fine. He will call in another month or so with the I miss you and blah blah blah excuses like usual. But I am the one that has to put an end to it. And it’s easier said then done. But I have faith that He will make this right. Even with all the mistakes I have made. “For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11.

Well hell...

Well hell. When I sat down to write this that was literally the first thing that came to mind. So I guess it's a good jumping off point. I think a lot. About everything. Why we exist? Why is there Earth if we could all just be in Heaven? Where is this life going? Am I going to be able to pay the bills if I lose my job? These things cross my mind. Plus silly simple things, what will I wear tomorrow? Does he think about me? What will I do after work? I sometimes feel like I am never at rest. I know that I am not supposed to understand it so everyday I practice faith and patience that He knows exactly what I need and will provide it in His time. "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1. Ever since I was little I would worry. My grandma passed recently and my sister's brought me her worry beads. Since college when I get really stressed I don't sleep. Or I fall asleep and wake up. Toss and turn. I know when I am not sleeping because Mya takes to her own bed. I don't blame her. I am annoyed with me too. Life is so short I wonder why we waste so much time being angry with each other. I wonder why we shut people out who love us and push people away when they want to be close to us. I wonder why we play games. I wonder if all I will ever do is work to live. I feel like that girl who just talks about the same boy forever and never does anything about it. I don't even want to hear about it anymore, I can only imagine what my friends think. So instead I think I will just focus on me. I can't control him. I can only control my behaviors and actions. So why not just enjoy life? I intend to.

Breaking in thirds

So yes I have abandonment issues. Somewhere sometime in my life left me. And as a result I fear abandonment. That is a huge breakthrough I guess. To say that to the world. Maybe it was my dad leaving when I was three as my mom tells me because I cried a lot as a baby. My mom and dad have never left, they have always been here. Physically. But enough about my childhood. I guess I shouldn’t say that, because that’s why the issues of abandonment creep up on me now. Because I stuff that fear down inside. And then stuff more pain on that fear and more fears on that pain and then here I am, 27 going on 28 sitting at home alone with mascara streaming down my face. All because I am afraid he will leave. And what is worse, I don’t care that much. That’s not what I mean. I care about him. I care about him more than any other man. I love his son. I love him. It is not ideal and yet he is the only one I want to be with on any given day. I am comfortable with him. I can be myself with him. He is the realest thing in my life. We have been through the worst parts of life together. I know I could be without him. I have done it before. Someone else would come along, maybe someone more right. Maybe someone “better”. But I don’t want better I want him. So I don’t know what it is then. I don’t mind being alone. I have no problem finding sex if I want it. I have friends and a life. So why am I afraid to lose him? I feel panic at the thought. Maybe it’s ATV. I love that boy like my own. I told a story to Amber yesterday about taking him on a play date a few weeks ago then we stopped to get ice cream. I was chatting with my mom and Jen on the phone while driving home, ATV in the back seat with his vanilla cone. I hear him say, “This is ridiculous.” I ask him what is? “My ice cream is melting all over the place.” He says frustrated. I tell mom and Jen I have to go because we have a ridiculous situation. I take his cone, slobbered all over and dripping down the sides. I licked it all over, then gave it back to him. “That’s love” I told Amber yesterday. It’s like my heart not just breaking, but breaking in thirds. I think maybe I am afraid to be so close. It’s easier now to leave then 6 months from now. Maybe it will feel better if I do it first. I feel like relationships are ultimately bound to fail. I think God keeps some people single though because they are stronger to be alone. Maybe not ready yet or have other work to complete first. I don’t know but I know that He knows and that is comforting. Still my heart hurts tonight. I drove around for an hour after work crying and trying to get ahold of G. I don’t understand why someone I could love so much would want to hurt me. But I have to realize it’s not always about me. . “ People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; Forgive them anyway. - Mother Teresa “ And G is just human. This is some heavy shit he is dealing with and I am just collateral damage. So how does this work? When am I done forgiving? How much is too much to forgive? “Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.” Matthew 18:21-22

Past, present, future

I wrote this a few weeks ago – but I realized I don’t write as much when I am happy. I realized yesterday that I don’t love him anymore. I won’t love someone who would do that to me. Abandon me without even a word. What an asshole. I have had some douchy things done to me by men and this was the #1 worst thing a man has done to me. Not to mention everything he did leading up to just walking out. But I think I have recovered nicely. I am happy with G. He has changed for the better and I find myself falling for him the same way I did all those years ago. I am content to be with him. When I am with him I don’t want to be anywhere else. I could see him all the time and then I realize I’m being a big girl. Oh shit, I think I caught feelings.

"But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,” Matthew 5:44. Everyone looked to me like I would fall apart. My boyfriend had just left me with his father, my assistant quit, I had nowhere to live. But here it is almost two months later. And I am still alive.

What Happens Next

I can’t stop thinking about him. Why? He sucks. He isn’t worth anything. So why do I care? I don’t know. I can’t answer that. I had a dream about him last night. I fantasize about the opportunity to seek vengeance. I know it’s the wrong thing to do but lately I’m obsessed. I am so angry that he just gets to leave. Just walk out on me. Who does that? He literally looked me in the eyes said not to worry he was going for ice cream and would be back in an hour and then never came back. And yet I’m the one stuck thinking about him. I hope that in some perfect world he is sitting around thinking how bad he fucked up. I know that’s wrong too but I can’t help it. I so desperately want him to feel bad like I have. Feel hurt like I have. Feel scared like I have. And then today I find out the love of my life is having a baby with another woman. It just seems like everyone is living what I used to think should be my life. So where does this leave me? What happens next is anyone's guess.

I’m afraid I’ve become numb to the world around me. I’ve been afraid to write because I’m not sure what I’ll say anymore. I don’t know what to say anymore. Everything seems so distant past but it wasn’t long ago we were making plans. I loved him so much. Now it all just seems so foolish. Everything has changed so much in the past few months. My home, my work, my family. I’m sure it’s all part of a bigger, better plan but I don’t know how well I’m adapting. I have been afraid to move on I guess. I kept thinking that he would call, that I meant more to him then to just walk out. And not just walk out, but lie to my face so I couldn’t even cause a scene. Selfish. And yet I am supposed to forgive. I know that it’s not forgiveness when I hope he gets what he deserves and that’s the stage I’m stuck in right now. I’ve learned in recovery that forgiveness is a train of feelings, eventually the feelings car will come even if right now it’s just boxcar after boxcar of anger, resentment, lies, and revenge. I have faith the feelings will come. God is so good.