"Friends"

My head hurts tonight. I'm stressed and tired of thinking about him. I can't believe we are here again. And things have been going so well. Too well. That's why I shouldn't be surprised. It's amazing how one simple thing can change everything. I guess it's not really one simple thing. It's everything he is. He doesn't want to be with me. Bottom line. Why do I keep trying when it's so obvious? He says thank you when I say I love you. He says he loves me in his own time and his own way. I just don't believe him anymore.

I don't even know where to begin. I am sad. Things were going so well. I thought we were really making progress. How did this happen? I'm beginning to think everything I felt was in my head. Maybe I imagined a connection. Maybe I imagined that we were falling in love.

But still...here we are again. I want more and he can't give it to me. It sucks really. To be so good for each other and still unable to make it work? It's a cruel reality. Love. I am so in love with him that part of me never wants to let him go. But I'm too smart to fall in head over heels. It's never going to work. He has told me over and over again that he isn't interested in having a relationship. But I'm ready now. I'm finally ready for my future. I want to have my job and have an awesome relationship. More than just sex, and more then just friends. I know I deserve that.


I want him just to be honest with me. He doesn't like enough to commit 100%, but he likes me enough to not want to lose me. When is it enough? I said to a friend the other day that I just wanted to be alone. But I'm not sure that it what I really want. I want him. The hopeless romantic in me hiding behind the realist in me wants to believe that he will decide eventually that he wants to be with me. But if we've been "friends" for collectively almost 9 months, not counting the couple months we split up last time because of the "friendly" misunderstanding, and he hasn't decided he wants to be with me yet, he probably is never going to.

Love

How do we know when we are in love? I have been single for going on five years now. I haven't had to worry about anyone else but myself. I could do whatever I want, whenever I want, sleep with anyone I want. Now that things have been changing with Buzz I have been thinking about it for awhile. I used to love listening to sappy, sad, loved then lost songs. Or angry women hating men songs. My entire Ipod consists of this type of music I've learned since now that I'm in love I don't want to listen to them anymore. I keep hitting skip hoping to find something I want to listen to but it's much more difficult to find songs about people who are happily in relationships. I don't know if this is a relationship but it feels like we are heading in that direction and I have to admit it scares the hell out of me. I only recently have accepted the fact that I'm in love with him. Do you tell men you aren't in a relationship with that you love them? And should you be in love with a man with whom you aren't even sure you are in a relationship with? I went on for weeks, I felt the words were on the tip of my tongue. Every time I was talking to him I wanted to tell him. But he seems to scare easily and I'm not trying to freak the hell out of him. He wants to know though. I think he needs the reassurance. I want to talk to him all the time and be with him all the time. I wake up thinking about him and I fall asleep thinking about him and sometimes I find him in my dreams. I'm scared too though. My sister asked me last night what is different this time. I'm not sure. It just feels different. We are both different and the situation is different. Somehow after everything that happened, we found our way back to each other and it's really good. It's hard though too to really accept it. I have been on my own for so long and now I have to think about him and sacrifice my "me" time for him. But I love to do it. He is part of what makes me me now. It's a scary thought though. Like I told him the other day, I don't just throw love around. Now that he knows he can hurt me. He hurt me before and I wasn't as invested as I am now. I'm in love now. So what happens if and when it doesn't work out? How do we know when we fall out of love? The realist in me wants to accept that most of the time it doesn't work out. The hopeless romantic in me wants to just shout it from the rooftops. I love him. Well shit, who knew this would happen.

Emotions

At the Beaver game I said, I don't really even know these girls. Joking with Scott. He said, "I hear you're the ringleader."
"Yeah, I guess that's right." I said with a nod. "That's why I stay sober all the time now so I can control all my bitches."
I told Jocelyn later over Facebook IM that I like Scott.
I just friended Scott. I think now that you are in a relationship and it's official we should probably be Facebook friends. I told her.
Oh good. She typed.
I heart Scott. Wait, don't tell him I said that. In fact don't let any of this leave this conversation. It destroys my bitchy don't care image. I can't have that happening.
Joce told him anyway. She doesn't really like a lot of people, she said. Feel special.

And yet he still fucked it up. That's what I get for putting my emotions out there for all to see. I gave him one chance to make her happy. To take care of her as well or better than I can. I should have known that as a man he would mess her up. Sure she's a lot to handle. We both are. But as Carrie Bradshaw put it, "Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed, they are meant to be free until they find someone just as wild to run with."

Jocelyn and I were meant to run together. I got her a card once in college that had a picture of a puppy and a kitten on the front. Inside it said, "You're catty, I'm a bitch. That's why we are such good friends." We have been together ever since.

Just Friends

I talk a lot about boy/girl friendships and for good reason. I have been thinking about it a lot especially lately. I turned to one of these so called friends for help and it seems so easy for him to just ignore me. I would usually think its that woman. She tells the man who he can hang out with, when, & how long. But what kind of man lives like this. I think this is why we see so much divorce at middle age. Either the man has finally decided to be a man or the woman finally decides she has been putting up with his bullshit for too long. I never want to be this way. I never want to feel trapped. To feel so untrusting and insecure that I have to keep tabs on him all the time. Relationships scare me. I know there will be compromise but at what point do you lose who you are and who you want to be in what someone else is and what they want you to be. I have lost so many guy "friends" this past year because all of a sudden they are attached and can't be around me anymore. I don't blame them. Sometimes I feel like if they were my man I wouldn't want them around me either.

He's Just Not That Into .... Me

How do you know when enough is enough? My head says enough, my heart says keep trying. I don't trust him, I am angry still. I keep giving him chances to prove me wrong and he still hasn't. Why do I allow him to treat me this way? All he does is hurt me. Just when I think things are going good, he does a 180 and I'm alone again. I'm not even surprised is the sucky thing. I knew this would happen. It's funny though... As much as I want to move on, the desire to stay is just as strong. Why does the heart put up with so much? I want him and I hate him all at the same time. I'm so mad and I'm numb at the same time. I honestly don't want to lose him. But is loving him worth all the pain. How can I be so crazy about him, when he is so indifferent to me? Greg Behrendt says he's just not that into me. I was reading the other day and I literally threw my book across the room because I was so angry that he was so right. He's just not that into me.

Bad Boys

There is the reason he's the bad boy. He looks the part, he plays the part. And just like every other bad boy out there, every girl wants him and every guy hates him. He doesn't have to play nice. That's what they say, nice guys finish last. Why as women do we always go for the bad boy? It never turns out in our favor. It's fun and exciting and we love the rush of it. Bad boys are usually really good in bed. It's hard to open your eyes and realize that they really aren't all they are cracked up to be. Good in bed, bad in life.

Tis the Season

It's that time of year again!! Wedding season is getting ready to bloom and I must say I am happy to be working with my brides again. My main wedding show is just around the corner and I couldn't be more excited. I have big ideas about what I'm going to do to spice things up. It's a completely new design. We are officially moving into 2010. Plus my designs for the All Star booth couldn't be hotter. Some of my best work if I may say so myself. I'm even impressed with some of the designs I can come up with when working in the showroom. There is one table that is throwing me for a loop. David's and my ideas are very different sometimes, but I usually win. I recently decided I want a winter wedding and once I decided to make this table something like I would want, I can't come up with the design. It will come to me.