I'm over it

I’m ready to snap out of it. Jessy said that to me on Friday night. And she is 100% right. I’m so tired of being sad. I’m tired of being anxious all the time. It’s over. I prayed tonight and I asked for guidance and I think that I am supposed to just let it go. Give it to God. Christmas is next week and I have so much to be thankful for this week. I’m going to take the week off. No drama. I’m just going to sit at home with Mya-bear, baking and getting ready for the holiday. Kristi will be home in a few days. All of the girls are getting together on Friday. It is going to be a wonderful week.

Little Miss Obsessive

Am I the reason why you tossed and turned last night?
Everything's such a blur, it didn't come out right.
All of the sudden it's cold and we're falling apart.
No this can't be, please don't leave me alone in the dark.

And I guess we're really over, so come over, I'm not over it.
Late night you make me feel like I'm desperate, I'm not desperate.
A little bit possessive, little miss obsessive, can't get over it.

I've never been a fan of long good-byes.
I'm at the finish line and you're just way too far behind.
In the morning I got in a fight with myself, I got the bruises to prove it.
Then I swallowed your words and spit them right back out.

And I guess we're really over, so come over, I'm not over it.
Late night you make me feel like I'm desperate, Aim not desperate.
Oh, a little bit possessive, little miss obsessive, can't get over it.

It's like a fairy tale without a happy ending
But then again maybe we are just pretending.
Why does it have to be so unfair?
Tell me that you care.

And I guess we're really over, but come over, I'm not over it.

I can’t even describe how it feels. My whole body is fatigued with sadness. My chest hurts like I can literally feel my heart breaking. And I honestly believe that this is what I deserve. Well not what I deserve but my behavior earned this heartache. My mind is constantly racing and I have tried everything to make it stop. Crazy working all the time. Writing. Cleaning. Laying in the shower. I don’t remember when my house stopped feeling like home. I hate every minute that I am here. And I feel bad. I have everything I need so I should be content. My head hurts and I can’t find comfort in sleep. So I just stay awake. And pray that this feeling goes away soon.

Humpty Dumpty

I’m so tired of part-time boyfriends. Seems like I still deal with all the bullshit and yet I’m always alone. I don’t need to be maintained by a text or a call once a week, I have a life. Everyday I spend time taking care of guests, dealing with personnel issues, client complaints, walk in appointments, reviewing the staffs work, correcting the staffs work, doing my own work. I’m so sick of the drama and the issues everyday. News flash guys, I’m wonderful. I have a job, a place of my own, a car, and my shit together, I am a catch. I have zero trouble finding someone to take your place. So maybe it’s time to shake up the egg carton, see who I can get rid of, and who I might want to devote more time to. I don’t have time to maintain 2-3 boyfriends. I just need one good one.

The Scorpion and The Frog

As we all know by now, I am one of the most forgiving people on earth. I believe in the good in people that we are all broken and in need of grace. That said, I have spent the past year and a half learning about setting boundaries. I don’t have to allow people to hurt me. So what happens when it’s unintentional? There is a fable about a scorpion that asks a frog to carry him across the river. The frog is afraid he will be stung. The scorpion explains that if he stings the frog they will both drown. The frog agrees to carry him and halfway across the river the scorpion stings him, dooming them both. The frog asks why he would sting him and the scorpion says because it’s in his nature. The point of this fable and my point right now is that some creatures will do what is in their nature regardless of how they are treated and what the consequences may be. I repeatedly talk about never giving boys that fuck up another chance. Yet, I am always the one to offer a second chance. Or a third. And usually it ends badly. My heart is torn about what boundaries to set. God offers me endless chances. I know that I don’t trust him. I don’t believe him when he says he’s leaving anymore. I saw how easy it was for him to cast me aside. I believe that trust is earned. He broke mine and until he earns it back I don’t have to believe him. But how does a relationship work if there is no trust. I don’t know anymore, all I do is confuse myself. I guess I need to pray about it.

I gotta go

I keep telling myself that I deserve better. I know I want more. I’m a very black and white person and I don’t do well with gray area. I thought for two years that Buzz wouldn’t commit to me, but I think more and more I am the problem. I need a definition, we are together or we aren’t. It’s the same problem I have with Garrett, he expects me to be his girlfriend without making any commitment to me. He and Buzz are masters of relationship limbo. They don’t expect or want me to see anyone else, but if you don’t tell me not to I don’t understand why I can’t. Dr. Phil says you can only expect to love 80% about your partner and I think maybe it’s okay that I need two or three men around. The problem is though that I have been single so long now, dealing with failed relationship after failed relationship makes me more guarded and hesitant to commit to anyone. I think that I keep one foot out the door all the time, just in case I feel the need to bail. I run, that’s how I handle things. JO called me Saturday night. She has been my best friend since we were 19. She knows me better than most. She brought up something I didn’t want to talk about and my answer for anything that makes me uncomfortable has since college and likely will always be, “Well, I gotta go.” She knows this. It works in every situation. I never explain or offer any excuse. This used to be how I left my one night stands in college and was a running joke amongst my sorority sisters. It’s the same in my relationships. As soon as it’s hard, I gotta go. Self-preservation. I always know what I think, how I feel, what I need, what I’m doing, it’s easier than trying to figure out someone else’s stuff too.

What a weekend. The house is a disaster and I love it. I am an eventcoordinator. I love to host parties. “You are always working,” G said to me in response to me as I said, “Let me take the trash out since we have guests coming.” “Guests, Jessica? They aren’t our friends anymore?” He asked. I guess I just want everyone to have a good time and everything to be perfect. Well planned. The house cleaned. The mess makes me feel good because I know the house is lived in. We have friends that love us,that spent all weekend with us and never stopped having fun. I had fun. I feel awful because sometimes I wish G was someone else. It’s ridiculous since this was all I wanted for so long was him to want to be with me. Then last night I snapped at him, “Don’t touch me.” “Get away from me.” “I’m annoyed with you.” “I’m ignoring you.” He’s a good man. He’s reliable. He’s honest. I trust him when he says something. He spent all weekend with me, without complaint. Bragged about me to Kalah that I am the perfect woman because I loaded all the guys in the car Sunday morning hangovers and all at 10am then reached into my purse and distributed beers to each of them. That’s my best quality. I’m an event coordinator, I’m always prepared. Mike said as he cracked his beer, “I knew there was a reason I was following you around last night, mama is always prepared.” Even the little guy said to me the other day, “I want snacks from your purse.” At 3 he’s figured it out. I know how to keep the boys happy from age 3 to age 30 and older. G and I lay on the couch Friday night watching Sons of Anarchy. He fell asleep on me about 10:30 and I propped pillows up under him so I could move. Funny how things work out, I was glad he was there. I enjoy his company and it was better than sitting alone. But I guess the heart wants what it wants. G stayed the night with me Friday and asked me why the boy next door came out every time he was smoking and played his gangsta rap for all to hear. “What’s his problem?” G asked me. I told him I had no idea. But it’s hard to avoid when he’s wandering around in front of my windows and when I take the trash out run into him and flirt for twenty minutes. It feels like an awful punishment that he’s so close and I still can’t be with him. I think about him all day everyday. It feels cruel that he still wants to be with me and says he didn’t want things to work out this way. But they did work out this way and I’m not sure that couple we were for that short time will ever be us again. I don’t trust him. I know now that he will never choose me and that we will never have the chance to really be together. So why invest my heart? Well I guess he still has it, I never really got it back. I don’t like the woman that I am in this situation either. I wouldn’t expect any man that said he loves me to want this for me either. I've lost 15 pounds, my voice, my dignity,$600.00, and my heart, when is enough enough. I curled up in the shower and cried last night after everyone left because even though it was a wonderful day the pressure on my heart feels too great to bare. I miss him too much. Even with everything that happened, how mad I am, how hurt I am, how disgusted I am, I love him.

And he said to her, "Daughter, your faith has made you well. Go in peace. You have been healed." Mark 5:34

So I lost my voice. Lately with all my illnesses medical bills keep piling in and I can't keep up. So I work harder. Get sicker. I work in sales and having a Mariah Carey deep husky voice could work in my favor. Unless it goes completely tomorrow. Everyone thinks it's so hysterical, it's so quiet they say. Maybe no voice is God telling me to be quiet and just listen for awhile. I have been asking for guidance, trying to figure out what's next. Where do I go from here? I don't trust anyone but Jesus and my Dad. Both lifesavers. I don't even trust my own judgement anymore, I cannot tell the good ones from the bad. I love people and it's one of my biggest downfalls. I am gulible. I believe that people are good. But when I spent 10 minutes right when I walked in the office on the phone with a lady who bitched me out because her laptop got stolen from a banquet room when she left it sitting on the table with the door wide open. Now she's just vicious. This is going to be another ugly situation. Like the lady in August. Although crazy today was only a 4 or so on the crazy scale and crazy in August was like a 14. I love my job though. I really enjoy it. I have worked hard to be here. I headed home from work tonight early, 5pm, pretty early for me. I thought I would run out of gas stuck in ridiculous traffic, then drove to the farthest gas station where I thought gas would be cheaper and really it wasn't. I whispered Fill please to the gas attendant who looked at me like I was a freak. Stopped to get mail on the way in like I do everyday. Two pieces of mail: comcast and my landlord. Great, I thought. More bills I can't pay. Cleaned up outside til the slider next door opened and he stepped out. I didn't look up from hosing the patio, just turned the water off and walked back in the house without looking his direction. I washed dishes while I waited for Shawna and my nerves to calm. We walked out to go to Burgerville in my car. The keyless entry lights flash right in my neighbors window like an alert system letting him know when I leave and return. He opened the door and came out, wifeys not home, notices Shawna and pretends to look for something in the car. I speed off. I told him once I hated being in limbo, relationship limbo like I did with Buzz for so long. I never want to do that again. I still can't shake that fool. He text tonight "I Fn miss your ass ;)" Neat. Thanks. Shawna and I gab all night and I'm glad to have her company. Lately I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I'm so anxious to be there and I hate it because I shouldn't have to leave cause the boy next door is a f*cktard. Shawna left and I sat on the couch to open the mail. Might as well see what the damage is. It's not a bill from the landlord, but a notice that I never signed a lease (I did, but their mistake will set me free) and my lease has defaulted to month to month, I can now give 30 days and get out of this living hell hole trapping me in the past. The answer to my prayers. I was blown away. I have been praying for guidance, the only thing keeping me here was that lease. God provides. God is faithful.

Revenge is....

I have never been interested in revenge. I will not lie, I frequently think about it. All the damage I could cause, all the havoc I could wreak. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Jen and I were in conversation about my latest heartbreak last week. I told her I was fine. Sad yes. Heartsick yes. But I would be fine, there is nothing I can’t handle I told her. She said she knows that I am strong and would be okay. I told her God is strong. Me, I’m nutty. I whole heartedly believe that. The darkness in my head is way too powerful for me to ignore. But the Lord keeps me strong. He keeps me sane. Jennifer said I have grown up so much. I think I just rely on God more. I pray to Him for strength not to act on my crazy thoughts. I pray that He will hold my heart so that I can make it through another day. I ask for forgiveness for my participation in adultery. I ask for guidance so I can figure out this mess I ended up in and how to find my way out. I am not perfect, I never have been, never will be, and never claimed to be. But I will not participate in revenge. The bible says “I will take vengeance; I will repay those who deserve it. In due time their feet will slip. Their day of disaster will arrive, and their destiny will overtake them.” Deuteronomy 32:35. It is not up to me to judge, to repay, to seek revenge. I may not always do the right thing or say the right thing, but I believe that the Lord is just. So I pray for everyone my life and I believe that He will do what is right. It is so far beyond me to even know what that is anymore.

My Scarlet Letter

It’s amazing how fast things can go from bad to worse. I knew it was a bad situation. From the very beginning I knew. I had a bad feeling. I was hesitant. Guarded. He pursued me. From day one, the flirting, texting, sexting, and eventually actually hanging out. It was all his idea. I’m not innocent though. I knew his situation. I participated. I liked him. Fell in love with him. Things change in an instant. He was sad and I was happy. Finally we could be together. All the time, anytime I wanted. But it was still complicated. We were still hiding. I saw the writing on the wall, heard the conversations on the phone with her, and my intuition was telling me it would all end badly. But I have prayed for so long for a man who loved me and said so. I prayed for a man who told me that I was beautiful. I prayed for him. So even though our situation was less than ideal, I knew that this feeling I was experiencing was love. I have only felt that twice before. That feeling that I can’t wait to see him, talk to him, I can’t focus, I could spend every waking moment with him. I was head over heels. Even with all the dysfunction. I loved him. He said it first to me, that he loved me. I said I loved him too and I meant it. So what now? I am resigned to the fact that maybe it was all a lie. Maybe he never meant any of it. He said he never wanted to be without me. He said he wanted me to be able to count on him. I feel so foolish for believing him. I allowed him to use me. I allowed him to waste my money, my time, and my love. He went back to her without even a text message to let me know. It’s been a week today since he left me. I want to say I was surprised but I think the only thing that actually surprised me was how bad it hurt. How bad it still hurts. It gets easier every day to be without him. God is faithful and I know that every day will be better than the last. The hardest part is fighting the thoughts that it is me that’s inadequate. That maybe I wasn’t enough to make him stay. I feel so stupid that I should have known better, but I’m sure that all of this is part of Gods plan. It’s not up to me to know why or what happens now. But I have faith in Him. And I know even though man can fail, God does not.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11