It’s amazing how fast things can go from bad to worse. I knew it was a bad situation. From the very beginning I knew. I had a bad feeling. I was hesitant. Guarded. He pursued me. From day one, the flirting, texting, sexting, and eventually actually hanging out. It was all his idea. I’m not innocent though. I knew his situation. I participated. I liked him. Fell in love with him. Things change in an instant. He was sad and I was happy. Finally we could be together. All the time, anytime I wanted. But it was still complicated. We were still hiding. I saw the writing on the wall, heard the conversations on the phone with her, and my intuition was telling me it would all end badly. But I have prayed for so long for a man who loved me and said so. I prayed for a man who told me that I was beautiful. I prayed for him. So even though our situation was less than ideal, I knew that this feeling I was experiencing was love. I have only felt that twice before. That feeling that I can’t wait to see him, talk to him, I can’t focus, I could spend every waking moment with him. I was head over heels. Even with all the dysfunction. I loved him. He said it first to me, that he loved me. I said I loved him too and I meant it. So what now? I am resigned to the fact that maybe it was all a lie. Maybe he never meant any of it. He said he never wanted to be without me. He said he wanted me to be able to count on him. I feel so foolish for believing him. I allowed him to use me. I allowed him to waste my money, my time, and my love. He went back to her without even a text message to let me know. It’s been a week today since he left me. I want to say I was surprised but I think the only thing that actually surprised me was how bad it hurt. How bad it still hurts. It gets easier every day to be without him. God is faithful and I know that every day will be better than the last. The hardest part is fighting the thoughts that it is me that’s inadequate. That maybe I wasn’t enough to make him stay. I feel so stupid that I should have known better, but I’m sure that all of this is part of Gods plan. It’s not up to me to know why or what happens now. But I have faith in Him. And I know even though man can fail, God does not.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
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