Backslide

Everyone says there is a specific time you have to get over someone.  Half the time you were together, get under someone else, 10,000 drinks… I’m not sure what it takes.  Time and God is the best answer I’ve got.  Although I’ve tried all of the above.  Over the span of the last eleven years of my dating life I have tried it all.  I pick myself up the best I can but I guess we are all entitled to backsliding.  It’s biblical.  “So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall!” 1 Corinthians 10:12.  We are expected to backslid.  Not that that makes it any easier.  I backslid with G.  Saying I’m over it the drunken texting when I’m supposed to be out having fun.  Wait, I was out having fun, then decided I’m awesome and he deserved to be bitched at.  Although it never solves anything but making me feel like an ass.  But instead of dwelling, I erased the messages the next day without rereading them, told my sponsor and some friends to keep from secrecy, and just decided to hell with it.  It’s over and done with.  I’m just mad about all the loose ends.  Not being allowed any closure.  Same this with the boy next door.  He literally left and just never came back and never said another word.  5 months later I still don’t even know what happened to this man that looked in my eyes and told me he loved me.  He talked about our children while I played Need for Speed in the sweet pink Cadillac he built me.  Where do those dreams go?  G just stopped responding.  Neat.  I’ve been fighting with myself, literally, for the past two months.  He hasn’t even said anything.  Douche.  G never talked about our future.  Or really our present.  We didn’t spend much time alone and it still seemed awkward sometimes when we did.  I guess we were just more friends than anything.  Still it sucks to be dumped by my friend in one of the worst ways possible.  Just leaving without another word so I get to sit and ponder for the rest of time what went wrong.  I have been processing through it, trying to figure out my part.  I’m still working on it.     

Wide Awake

I'm wide awake
Not losing any sleep
I picked up every piece
And landed on my feet

Some days are better than others. My horoscope today read, “ No one can be good all the time, but give it your best shot today. “ Exactly my thought. I guess the past few months I was surviving. Putting one foot in front of the other, following my 3 hr plan, and recovering. Now I feel like I am actually living. It has been so long since I felt this way. I remember a moment last year probably close to a year ago when I felt like this, full of life. Happy. Healthy. I finally woke up out of this pain and I’m moving forward. Not just existing, but living life, doing what I want, seeing who I want, staying home when I want. God is good. He hears our prayers and He sees exactly what we need. Life hurts, God heals and I am living proof. I’m wide awake.

Silence

First, I want to change how I write. I am thankful for a safe place to call home. I am thankful for a shower. I am thankful for my sisters. I am thankful for Lindsey. I am thankful for Dionne. I am thankful for the church and the women there who recognize my worth everyday rather than just my “good” days. I do not want eveyuthing I write to be negative or angry but when we are stuck in a shitty situation more often then not that is what happens. I wrote this next passage last night. Ignoring and silence is a trigger for me. I do not, have not, will not, ever respond well to this. It is mean and hurtful. No response, no response, no response. I must say I am powerless to control the anger that has overtaken me. I am powerless to control the emotion, the rage and the sadness I feel. And here we are again. I must tell you that this is one of the douchiest things ever done to me by a man. I guess I’m not surprised. I have wrote before about the scorpion and the frog and this is his nature. I know him better than he thinks. I know this is what he does. He leaves. He ignores. He runs. I know he would make a conscious choice to hurt me like this and I’m not even a little bit surprised. We have done all this before. Same shit different day. Silence as a weapon is one of the nastiest forms of abuse. And that’s all it is. Abuse. What he does to me is abuse. And I continue to allow it. So I guess what I have realized is that I am the one that needs to change. I’m guess he thinks things will be fine. He will call in another month or so with the I miss you and blah blah blah excuses like usual. But I am the one that has to put an end to it. And it’s easier said then done. But I have faith that He will make this right. Even with all the mistakes I have made. “For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11.

Well hell...

Well hell. When I sat down to write this that was literally the first thing that came to mind. So I guess it's a good jumping off point. I think a lot. About everything. Why we exist? Why is there Earth if we could all just be in Heaven? Where is this life going? Am I going to be able to pay the bills if I lose my job? These things cross my mind. Plus silly simple things, what will I wear tomorrow? Does he think about me? What will I do after work? I sometimes feel like I am never at rest. I know that I am not supposed to understand it so everyday I practice faith and patience that He knows exactly what I need and will provide it in His time. "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1. Ever since I was little I would worry. My grandma passed recently and my sister's brought me her worry beads. Since college when I get really stressed I don't sleep. Or I fall asleep and wake up. Toss and turn. I know when I am not sleeping because Mya takes to her own bed. I don't blame her. I am annoyed with me too. Life is so short I wonder why we waste so much time being angry with each other. I wonder why we shut people out who love us and push people away when they want to be close to us. I wonder why we play games. I wonder if all I will ever do is work to live. I feel like that girl who just talks about the same boy forever and never does anything about it. I don't even want to hear about it anymore, I can only imagine what my friends think. So instead I think I will just focus on me. I can't control him. I can only control my behaviors and actions. So why not just enjoy life? I intend to.

Breaking in thirds

So yes I have abandonment issues. Somewhere sometime in my life left me. And as a result I fear abandonment. That is a huge breakthrough I guess. To say that to the world. Maybe it was my dad leaving when I was three as my mom tells me because I cried a lot as a baby. My mom and dad have never left, they have always been here. Physically. But enough about my childhood. I guess I shouldn’t say that, because that’s why the issues of abandonment creep up on me now. Because I stuff that fear down inside. And then stuff more pain on that fear and more fears on that pain and then here I am, 27 going on 28 sitting at home alone with mascara streaming down my face. All because I am afraid he will leave. And what is worse, I don’t care that much. That’s not what I mean. I care about him. I care about him more than any other man. I love his son. I love him. It is not ideal and yet he is the only one I want to be with on any given day. I am comfortable with him. I can be myself with him. He is the realest thing in my life. We have been through the worst parts of life together. I know I could be without him. I have done it before. Someone else would come along, maybe someone more right. Maybe someone “better”. But I don’t want better I want him. So I don’t know what it is then. I don’t mind being alone. I have no problem finding sex if I want it. I have friends and a life. So why am I afraid to lose him? I feel panic at the thought. Maybe it’s ATV. I love that boy like my own. I told a story to Amber yesterday about taking him on a play date a few weeks ago then we stopped to get ice cream. I was chatting with my mom and Jen on the phone while driving home, ATV in the back seat with his vanilla cone. I hear him say, “This is ridiculous.” I ask him what is? “My ice cream is melting all over the place.” He says frustrated. I tell mom and Jen I have to go because we have a ridiculous situation. I take his cone, slobbered all over and dripping down the sides. I licked it all over, then gave it back to him. “That’s love” I told Amber yesterday. It’s like my heart not just breaking, but breaking in thirds. I think maybe I am afraid to be so close. It’s easier now to leave then 6 months from now. Maybe it will feel better if I do it first. I feel like relationships are ultimately bound to fail. I think God keeps some people single though because they are stronger to be alone. Maybe not ready yet or have other work to complete first. I don’t know but I know that He knows and that is comforting. Still my heart hurts tonight. I drove around for an hour after work crying and trying to get ahold of G. I don’t understand why someone I could love so much would want to hurt me. But I have to realize it’s not always about me. . “ People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; Forgive them anyway. - Mother Teresa “ And G is just human. This is some heavy shit he is dealing with and I am just collateral damage. So how does this work? When am I done forgiving? How much is too much to forgive? “Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.” Matthew 18:21-22

Past, present, future

I wrote this a few weeks ago – but I realized I don’t write as much when I am happy. I realized yesterday that I don’t love him anymore. I won’t love someone who would do that to me. Abandon me without even a word. What an asshole. I have had some douchy things done to me by men and this was the #1 worst thing a man has done to me. Not to mention everything he did leading up to just walking out. But I think I have recovered nicely. I am happy with G. He has changed for the better and I find myself falling for him the same way I did all those years ago. I am content to be with him. When I am with him I don’t want to be anywhere else. I could see him all the time and then I realize I’m being a big girl. Oh shit, I think I caught feelings.

"But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,” Matthew 5:44. Everyone looked to me like I would fall apart. My boyfriend had just left me with his father, my assistant quit, I had nowhere to live. But here it is almost two months later. And I am still alive.

What Happens Next

I can’t stop thinking about him. Why? He sucks. He isn’t worth anything. So why do I care? I don’t know. I can’t answer that. I had a dream about him last night. I fantasize about the opportunity to seek vengeance. I know it’s the wrong thing to do but lately I’m obsessed. I am so angry that he just gets to leave. Just walk out on me. Who does that? He literally looked me in the eyes said not to worry he was going for ice cream and would be back in an hour and then never came back. And yet I’m the one stuck thinking about him. I hope that in some perfect world he is sitting around thinking how bad he fucked up. I know that’s wrong too but I can’t help it. I so desperately want him to feel bad like I have. Feel hurt like I have. Feel scared like I have. And then today I find out the love of my life is having a baby with another woman. It just seems like everyone is living what I used to think should be my life. So where does this leave me? What happens next is anyone's guess.

I’m afraid I’ve become numb to the world around me. I’ve been afraid to write because I’m not sure what I’ll say anymore. I don’t know what to say anymore. Everything seems so distant past but it wasn’t long ago we were making plans. I loved him so much. Now it all just seems so foolish. Everything has changed so much in the past few months. My home, my work, my family. I’m sure it’s all part of a bigger, better plan but I don’t know how well I’m adapting. I have been afraid to move on I guess. I kept thinking that he would call, that I meant more to him then to just walk out. And not just walk out, but lie to my face so I couldn’t even cause a scene. Selfish. And yet I am supposed to forgive. I know that it’s not forgiveness when I hope he gets what he deserves and that’s the stage I’m stuck in right now. I’ve learned in recovery that forgiveness is a train of feelings, eventually the feelings car will come even if right now it’s just boxcar after boxcar of anger, resentment, lies, and revenge. I have faith the feelings will come. God is so good.

Recovery

I guess part of me always kind of felt like it was all wrong. Or maybe I just believed what everyone was telling me. Whatever the reason the outcome is the same. Now all I can do is what I’ve learned, which is to take responsibility for what I’ve done, offer forgiveness, and move on. All my recovery knowledge that I’ve learned and went out the window this past month has been coming back into play. I become a robot of recovery. Have a three hour plan. And when that three hours is up have another three hour plan. Repeat. Stay safe. I haven’t been that sad this time. I guess I grieved the loss last week during the two days between kissing his lips and realizing he wasn’t coming back. I would have kissed him long and deeper if I had known. I was still angry with him and honestly him walking out did us both a favor. Everything had been going downhill, the good days were more like moments and few and far between. I love him still but I guess part of me is glad he’s gone. I miss him and my heart aches for him but what he put me through is not something I want to do again. Everything was so fucked up and I guess I just didn’t want to see it. But during that 48 hours last week, I didn’t sleep, or eat, or do anything really other than think about him. Run through every possible scenario of what could have happened and try to decide which one I would prefer. In the back of my mind I knew what the reality was. I guess it just took two days to come to terms with it. I can’t go back now what’s done is done, and while I will jot down what I think I did wrong this time, I don’t think I will share it with the world yet. I’m not sure if I just don’t want to talk about it anymore or I think I should be more private or I fear judgment, but I think this time I really just want to do what we do at work when there is something we don’t want to work on – put it in the file to ignore.

In Shock

I wrote this the first of February:

It feels a lot like I imagine shock would. My whole but just goes numb. My heart races. The anxiety this is causing feels unbearable. I don’t see the end of all this madness and my throat feels like it’s closing. My whole life feels like an out of body experience lately and everything is so wrong I don’t even know where to begin. I don’t even know what to do. Frequently when I get overwhelmed I just don’t do anything. I don’t pay bills. I don’t talk to anyone. I just shut off. I don’t want to deal with or process any of it anymore. It’s a worse nightmare each passing day. The fighting and the lies and the secret conversations on the porch. Drama drama drama. I just don’t know when enough is enough anymore. We can barely go hours anymore without fighting and I don’t think a relationship is supposed to be so hard. But then again who knows what normal is.

Leap of faith

Relationships are hard. Trusting anyone is hard. I feel anxious all the time when I’m not with him like he will find out that he’s made a mistake. That maybe he doesn’t want me after all. And then I will be on my own again. That doesn’t really scare me though, being on my “own”. I know that there is not much in this world I can’t handle anymore. And every time He throws something new at me, He always helps me through. So I’m not worried. I’m scared of the pain though I guess, I know how it feels to lose love. I’m not sure how much more I could bear. But I do know that I can’t control it. I could do everything “perfect” and he could still leave tomorrow. That’s reality, it’s not up to me. So I want to just love him and smile when thinking about him, curl up in his arms after work, fall asleep with him at night, and wake up with him in the morning. I am so grateful for this gift of love and companionship, I think I will just take the leap of faith that maybe this is what I’ve been waiting for.