Harrison

I swear to you I can't win. I had the longest day on Saturday. A little over 14 hours worth of work, 1000 people, too much Tri Tip, not enough chicken, and a bunch of drunk groomsmen later I made it to meet my friends for a much needed beer. Guess who was working at a certain bar, a certain boy that I hoped had really died as I imagined in my head. Let's call him Harrison, if you can figure that one out please enlighten me. So Harrison and I engage in some brief banter at the door before I ever so slyly made it into the bar. I took a business call outside and had to engage in another mini convo in which I broke it down for him, he's a dick, my phone died, he can't work his, I don't care, and blah blah blah. Then he comes into the bar and stands by our table. Hello obvious, and starts texting me. I'm so sorry, I'm an idiot. I give him shit for awhile and my phone dies. Don't fall for it. Harrison like every other boy will say whatever he needs to so he can sleep at night. They never mean it. It's the alcohol or the pressure of running into you or the guilt. Yet, you are still at home wondering if and when he's gonna call and what his last text meant. Although, now I know what it means. He's just not that in to me.

And another one bites the dust.

I can't even bare the thought of writing a bridal tip right now.

Feel the Fire

Ryan says on a good week, I'm only crazy 5 out of 7 days. I had one of those crazy days yesterday. I may have had one glass of wine too many and noticed my ex in the call log at 1 AM. And I know you're thinking, how did you have his number? But he is one of the few permanently programmed in my head. Unfortunately. I can't believe I undid all my hard work of staying strong. Freaking booze. Of course he didn't answer and I can't honestly remember if I left a message. Could be worse though, he's never going to respond anyway so I never have to know. Is it a blessing or a curse? He needs an opportunity check because he's about to lose me for a second time. I'm not his girlfriend and I'm barely his friend there is literally nothing keeping me tied to this guy and I don't know why I have stuck around for as long as I have. Wow, that's the most honest I've been about that situation in awhile. He's probably thinking Thank God I don't have to deal with that crazy bitch anymore and I'm thinking Thank God he set me free again. I think it's just the passion in that relationship more than anything. The way I loved him is different than anything I have ever known and I think I am scared of never finding it again. Even though I know he's not the one, it's hard to let him go. I was crazy in love with him. It took the better part of a year to get over it, maybe longer. And I remember the exact moment I realized I didn't love him anymore. But now that he's around again I wonder if I ever stopped loving him really. Maybe that's why it's so hard to let him go again now. I thought this was our second chance, not at a relationship but as friends. One last selfish attempt on my part to feel that fire again. I never know what I'm doing wrong either. But I can't make someone want to be my friend or my boyfriend or my lover if they don't want to be. It doesn't matter what I think if they don't feel the same way. Better luck next time I guess.

Random Event Tip #1 - Enough about my brides, I have other events going on as well. Rarely as crazy as my brides though. One of my biggest pet peeves is people who tell me one day prior something that should have been brought to my attention months ago. Something important like seating should be included in your hour long emails about your event. At this point, it's no ones fault but yours. But somehow it's always mine.

Good night all- The Event Diva

Opportunity Check

So after my girls beach weekend, I am feeling back to my fabulous self. It was exactly what I needed to realize that that boy is stupid for not realizing how amazing I really am. So maybe I'm a little intense. And sometimes I get dark, but to be fair I never promised anyone sunshine and rainbows. That's just not me. My phone had an unfortunate accident last week and in one of the most liberating experiences of my life, I lost all my contacts. Now I know you are probably thinking how devastating, not liberating. But I feel free. Now only people/guys who call me will ever get to talk to me again. I am so sick of all these men with their games and their attitudes. It's time for an opportunity check. I don't need you, sometimes I want you around, but life will still go on without. J.O. is having some boy troubles of her own these days. It makes me so mad that some stupid boy doesn't understand how lucky he is to even be considered. Hello? My girlfriends are some hot, talented, smart, beautiful inside and out women. Where are the respectable, decent men at? The ones who call when they say they are going to and are where they say they are and answer the phone when you call or text. I'm still looking.

PS. I got an email from a bride at 1:59AM Saturday. She says she is desperate to meet with me. Her wedding is in October.

The Wedding Dress

So today I had to stop at David's Bridal to drop some brochures off and I actually thought about staying and trying wedding dresses on. Are you kidding me? Who knew I could catch wedding fever. And the thing is I really don't even want to get married. Especially at this point in time. No thank you. I am hopeful for the future though. I think that a working, loving relationship would be something to look forward too. Too bad it's never happening for me. And actually never really happening for anyone around me. Besides my brides. It's kind of a bummer for me to when I meet all these really cool, slightly crazy women and I get to be best friends with them for sometimes a year and then never see them again. Unless on the off chance they get married again. Which I honestly hope not. I want every marriage to work that I have been part of, so I don't let the reality of it get me down.

Yes, I got all of this from a wedding dress.

Groomsmen

I am surprised by how bad I feel about this latest situation. It's hard to be around people who are happy and in love when the thought of this latest boy drama literally makes me want to strangle them the next time the tell me that their fiance stuffed all the response cards in the envelopes. I tell you one thing though, cute groomsman is one of the perks of the job. I met one last night. I got trapped in a spontaneous appointment when I was at the bar trying to enjoy dollar beers. An impromptu business card exchange and a scheduled appointment makes me think this wedding may not be so bad. It's hard ladies to put yourself out there. I wonder if he has a girlfriend and I automatically think that he is probably a giant tool and womanizing man whore like every other man in my life. Yes it's true, I am that jaded. I can't remember how I got here. I can't remember the last time I felt normal about relationships. Maybe before my first wedding season. Now I don't know if it scares men away that my whole job revolves around weddings and relationships. Or maybe I scare them away because I do still secretly want that for myself. Or maybe it's just me and it's not quite my turn to be happy. Inside joke. I am happy in most areas of my life, I just have to work on the relationship sector.

The Ex

So I don't think it's working. This whole friends with the ex thing. I feel as though he is treating me just like he did when we were together. He ignores me and everything is on his terms. Daily or at least biweekly, I want to email him or call him and bitch him out. Maybe it's just because it's easy. I feel as though with him it's easy to be angry or frustrated or mad as hell. I don't know if this is because I am honestly just really mad at him from the past or because of his actions in the present. I am still angry with him. I feel that he moved on so easily like it never bothered him. Which goes back to the whole abandonment thing. I feel as though he abandoned me and he just thinks he moved on to some other girl to fill his emptiness. And what now. I am angry that he doesn't care about our past or our future. I would love to be friends with him. But I don't think we are friends. I think we are past lovers stuck in limbo. We aren't friends like Jocelyn and I are friends. We don't call and chat when I am at Walmart for an hour about the men in our lives and our hopes and dreams. I text him something and maybe hear back in a week or so. It's a crock of shit. I know better than this. That's why I don't call or email him to bitch him out. I do actually still want him around. I want to be able to call him up if I'm in Bend and have him dog sit. I'm not sure I want him to call me when he's in Salem to hang out. I guess it's all part of the learning process. I'll keep you posted.

XOXO- The Event Diva

Bridal Tip #5 - You are probably the only one incredibly happy the day of. As much as everyone cares about you, give it a rest.

Good Enough

I feel abandoned. Lost, like I am looking for something I will never find. I think I know that I will never talk to him again and yet I feel like there is hope. Probably not. It sucks to feel this way though. I realized tonight that he probably feels nothing, he is out partying, hitting on other girls. And I am stuck at home thinking about the nights that we had and the fun we had. I wonder if it was all in my head. Maybe I imagined that we had a connection. Maybe I imagined that I really liked him and that he was different. I blame myself mainly, I think that I let him in too quickly. I wanted so much to believe in him that I forgot about everything else. It seems so ridiculous, all the games and the playing and the back and forth. Yet we are punished if we as women stand up and say something about it. I think maybe my strength scared him away, maybe he is afraid of getting too close to someone like me. Mainly though, I just think its me. I wonder if I will ever be good enough. Not just for him, for my best friend, my sisters, my mom and dad, my boss. I am constantly trying and I'm not sure I'm ever good enough.

Personal

Things have been crazy lately. Very busy. It's that time of year again. Where friends have to schedule me at least a month in advance, Monday through Wednesday because I'm never free on Saturday. Sometimes its hard to have a personal life in this line of work. When I have time, I'm too tired for anything and anyone. My clients require so much of my time and my energy, I can't have personal thoughts or feelings on their time. On Friday, I had so much going on in my head my bride asked me if I was feeling alright. She said I wasn't my usual bubbly self. I told her I wasn't feeling well. On Saturday, I made sure that she was the only thing on my mind. She said the day was perfect, until we experienced my very first wedding crashers. Yes it's true apparently they do exist. I was so angry with myself for letting my personal life get the best of me and that she actually noticed. It's not about me in this job. No one cares if that guy I like never called me back. Or that one I don't won't stop calling. Or that Britney Spears kept me out until 2:30 in the morning and that I spent the three hour drive home trying to dissect my feelings and figure out what's wrong with me. That's why I was tired and cranky. Because I feel in the same place as before I spent hours soul searching and I'm no closer to answers. Then I get angrier because I know I'm being stupid and irrational. I don't want to feel the way that I do and I definitely don't want it to affect me at my work. I'm feeling better after a diet coke and some peanut butter M&Ms. I'll just chalk it up to a bad weekend. I'm taking this one off before I jump in with both feet for my thousand person weekend next week. I'll let you know how that goes.

-The Event Diva

Bridal Tip #4 - Your day is all about you. Don't let any small detail (like a wayward flower girl) get you down. You won't remember.