Who knows

I don’t know if I know what I am doing. Part of me is saying yes, he’s wrong stay gone. Part of me is saying you’re crazy what is wrong with you he’s gone. I know that I’m not mistaken that I am feeling better since he’s been gone. I’m not low self esteem or anxious. I just live and work and breath like I did before I became one half of this unhealthy relationship. I think that this happens so much to us, maybe I’m really not serious when I think I am. I’ve been trying to leave for awhile now and he hasn’t let me. That is quite the revelation. Here I am thinking that he doesn’t care and doesn’t want me around. But he hasn’t let me go or held it against me that I try to leave once every other week. I don’t know. I know that I push people away and I know that maybe I could have worked it out if I had just taken another week off and not went to happy hour with JO. I had been thinking about it for awhile, but I could have never said anything without my liquid courage. But I guess now he knows. I don’t know why I feel the need to explain myself when no man has ever given me that courtesy. I think when I explain it to him, I am more trying to explain it and justify it to myself. But then again, only me and him know the real story. We can’t change it now though. It’s already happened and been brought to the surface and now once again I’m left to pick up the pieces. And that’s what started it all last night. I was so mad and DITM treating Joce like nothing that I was in an angry men who’ve wronged me mood. I was so hurt watching her deal and feeling her strength that it made me want to stand up for myself. I deserve to get what I want. And he deserves to get what he wants. Ryan used to tell me that it didn’t matter if some guy was the man of my dreams if I wasn’t the girl of his. True. Just doesn’t make it hurt any less.