Committment

Everything gets better in time. It's hard to keep that in mind when things are going wrong. I wear patience on my wrist now because it's never been a virtue that I possess. I have always been quick to write things off that are scary or hard. It's always much easier to runaway from love or work somewhere you're unhappy, rather than make the decision to take the hard road. I have been thinking a lot about work. Making a decision to get back on track with my goals. I had a dream of my business and like that it was gone. It's been a hard adjustment and I feel scared to get burned again. So what, I just hang out and keep doing what I'm doing for the rest of time. I'm not sure I can do that. I just have to refocus and take a different approach. I know what I'm capable of. I just need to make it happen. Put the fear aside and give it another go. I have had so much going on and now this new friendship that I'm working on with Buzz. It's hard to make the decision to really commit to something and someone that could hurt me in the long run. I want to though. I think he's worth it. He's so different than anyone I've ever been with and he makes me feel differently than anyone has. It's hard because I want to believe him and trust him. It's a conscious decision that I struggle with every day. I've been on my own for so long, it's hard to commit to someone else.

Image

I don't know how things fell apart so quickly. It was like all of sudden there I was looking at my dream, now here I am further away then before. I truly believe that everything does happen for a reason, so I know that there is a reason for all this to be happening now instead of how I'd planned it. I just feel like I lost control, I had everything worked out and then in an instant it's all gone. I'm scared to try again. I already feel like such a failure, I'm not sure I can go through it all again. But I guess it's all a learning process. I am just frustrated because I'm not quite sure how to get it all back. I have been trying to refocus, change my energy a bit. I imagine that I'll work through it on my own in a matter of time and everyone else will just have to wait. I have been looking at myself in the mirror and I'm not sure I even know who I am anymore. Something has changed. I'm so much further away from what I wanted to be doing. I barely see brides anymore. My job has taken me out of the field and into an office with no windows and bitchy coworkers. I have no idea how this all happened. It's devastating to take a blow like this and figure out exactly where to go from here. It is liberating to know that I will figure it out.

Event tip: Don't worry about it. I'm sure it's not that big of deal.

Messy

Everything is such a mess. I seriously feel like I can't quite get anything right these days. It's like one mistake after the next. With work and Buzz, everything I do is wrong. Work used to soothe me and now all I do is f*ck it up. All the bullsh*t with Adro it's wearing on me. I can't even focus when she stresses me out the way she does. Every morning instantly there is a problem and it's my fault. I can deal with b*tchy clients, it doesn't bother me. I have been in customer service so long I can talk people down in an instant. But lately it's like every time I turn around I'm doing something wrong. My confidence is a freaking nightmare these days. I'm insecure because so many people are challenging me I can't find my footing. I can't focus when all this is on my mind. I don't want to work or socialize. I'm so freaking tired as much as I want to see him, I'll probably just mess it up anyway. All this time I'm thinking I'm a chill person and really I don't know who I am anymore. I don't even know who I want to be. I just want to get back to a place where I'm able to function on a daily basis without ruining everyone else around me. The funny thing is I'd do anything to make him happy. The same goes for Adro. So why am I always sad? It's like my whole existence is a mistake right now. I can't quite get anything right. I'm about ready to go take a nap at the bottom of a pool. Neat.

Event tip: Leave a message. I will call you back.

Already Gone

All my friends tried to warn me the day that we met
Girl don't you lose your heart yet
But his dark eyes dared me with danger
And sparks fly like flame to a paper
Fire in his touch burning me up
But still I held on
'Cause I was already gone

Here's to the night

Wow. What a night. I'm tired today but I don't feel like sleeping anymore. Might as well just tackle it all head on. I don't even know what to say. I chatted with Buzz about the whole other woman thing. I'm not sure I even care about that anymore. I guess if I want him, I will deal. There is so much other drama it's ridiculous. I'm mad that a bunch of jealous b*tches are trying to cause problems. It goes to show who you can trust and who you can't. I always have talked to much. It's weird because I feel like he knows me better than I know me and we have barely been hanging out. It is too soon though for all of this bullsh*t. I know he is right, I'm excited and I want to run my mouth to the girls. It's a girl thing. I like him and I want to talk about it. But I'm not sure telling anyone is worth losing him. At this point I wouldn't be surprised if I never hear from him again. It's hard to keep an eye on the good stuff we have when there is so much other shit bogging it down. It sucks. I don't know where to even go from here. I'm glad I have the night off so I can process. I wish that everything hadn't blew up like this and I wish it wasn't all my fault. I don't even want to hang out with me right now. Better luck next time I guess....

Peace

Something has been on my mind for awhile now and I have got to put it out there. It's eating me alive. I'm a little afraid to say anything, because I'm afraid eventually he is going to see my blog. I've told him about it, but he doesn't know where to find it...yet. So I'm not sure if this is going to work for me. This whole other chicks thing. It's freaking my sh*t out. I think maybe I'm looking for excuses to get out early. I feel as though I'm having all these crazy jealous thoughts and this is really not who I am. Nor who I want to be. I am really struggling with all these thoughts. I keep going back and forth over - I'm okay with it and get me the f*ck out of this. So here is what I think... at the moment - it hurts me that he's out with other women. I don't know what he's doing and how he is with her. Maybe they get along better or who knows what. I'm paranoid that he's going to leave me for her. It sucks. I hate this. I'm not like this. But what am I supposed to think. Maybe I'm old fashioned but I think when you are into someone seriously you stop seeing other people. Guys have been asking me out too and I feel like maybe I should go out with them. But then am I doing it out of spite? He's says he doesn't want to wear a leash so if I say something I'm inflicting that on him. I don't want to give him an ultimatum and I think that's what stopping me from saying anything at all. I can't do it. This has been on my mind for two straight days. I can't live like this. Jealous and lost in thoughts of him. It makes me insecure. I feel like I should be good enough to have him to myself. And what do they think, the other girls. To them I'm the other girl and that has already happened to me once this summer. What do they think about the situation? Do they hope that he eventually wants to be with them only? Are they really okay with it and do they really know? I haven't had time this weekend to sit and actually process all these thoughts since now. I think part of me is scared to lose him because I don't think he'll stay if he knows whats on my mind. I'm not sure I'm ready to lose him. I like him. I am happy to have met him. I have loved the time we spent together but maybe that's it. Now that it's out there I feel some peace. My mind is finally at ease. Now I just have to figure out what to do with it.

I just got out of the shower. Something I do when trying to get rid of negative thoughts. I wanted to cry like I have wanted to over a lot of the aspects in my life and nothing came out. I stood there in the water, super hot, like I like it and couldn't find any tears. I'm sad. I just think I'm all cried out. It never gets me anywhere. I need to get some sleep. I don't even like me anymore. I hate being this annoying, needy, possessive girl. I'm not comfortable in this position and I spent a long time trying to put qualities like this behind me. When I see the woman I want to be I have to be true to that. Putting aside my thoughts, and my personal beliefs is completely undermining who I am. I'm not weak. I'm not needy. I am independent. That's the kind of woman I want to be.

Distance

I was sitting this week with my girls and I was thinking that I am really lucky that we are all together and we can still live and laugh like we did when life was less complicated. So much has changed since we used to be carefree college students. Now we have dogs, and marriages, and work, and promotions, and guys who aren't in fraternities. I was so comfortable sitting at Steph's house. Laughing and joking, looking at wedding photos. I'm at peace when I'm with them. I look at them, how they each have changed and grown. We are all so different now but it fits. We have been some of the lucky few who get happier and closer with age, instead of growing apart. I trust them with my whole heart. More than I do any other person or persons in this world. That's the truth of unconditional love. You better believe we have been to hell and back. It's sad to watch as new chapters of our lives take us places we never thought we'd have to go alone but having a friend a couple hours drive away is really not the worst thing. I figure if distance is our only issue, we aren't doing so bad.

Buzz

So I have a new adventure to tell you about. He is going to die when he reads this but I guess I'll take that chance because I've never really known when to shut up. We are calling him Buzz. To infinity and beyond! That's not really why I chose that nickname but it's funny regardless. For some reason he does keep coming around, so I guess we are off to a good start. But then again I usually think that. I can't get enough of him. He's like a drug for me. Completely different than anyone I have ever been with. I can't get a read from him though. Sometimes I think he's really into me, then he tells me he's seeing other girls. Hmmm. My girlfriends say red flags should be going off in my head. And they are, but I've been ingoring them. He's so sure of himself that it's annoying sometimes. I rarely have had confidence issues but sometimes around him I'm finding myself wondering if I really am cut out for this? He says a lot of women can't handle it, the jealousy and what not. I have never been a crazy jealous person but something about him kind of brings it out of me. But at the same time he doesn't really owe me anything. We still don't know each other that well. I don't know anymore. My mind is constantly racing with thoughts of him. My head says run away!! My heart says one more chance...maybe two? I guess there is always going to be some sort of issues in a relationship, nothing is ever going to be perfect. I guess I just have to decide if I can live with it in a way that doesn't make either one of us crazy. Why does he have to be so adorable? It's an evil trap.

Bridal Tip: Try to relax before the ceremony. Stress shows in photos.

Myself

Work is getting to me. I thought I would last longer working the two jobs then I have so far. Seems like I was stronger in Seattle. Or just had better will power. I'm tired, it runs me ragged working all day and night. It's completely messed my schedule up. Working til late, too much caffeine, too little sleep. I'm sure it has got to catch up to me sooner rather than later. Thinking back to last week, I'm not even sure how I made it til now. No wonder my patience was wearing thin with everyone today. It's like I have been spending so much time with people, being my fake self that I forgot who I really am. It's true though I have a completely seperate persona that works with my clients. Keeps me sane. It would be funny though if they knew the real me. I'm just a lot less perky, a lot less caring, a lot more cynical. Funny. I genuniely love people though. That's why this life works for me. Maybe I can't remember their drink but I can remember that their dogs name is Morrison and they just resided their house with green, maroon, and white. I'm sure they would rather I just get their drinks though.

Hopeless Dreamer

So things have changed a little bit for me lately. Working a lot. Just enjoyed my first day off since starting the second job. And my cable was out because I haven't paid my bill. Ironic, since I'm not sure how long it has been out, but sucky since it was my day off. I finally ended up loading the dogs in the car and driving half way across town to get a movie I've been wanting to see. So I met this man who is really great. Turns out I met him in the mist of my downward spiral and just got to know him when I needed it most. The only problem is, he thinks I have issues. Little does he know...he's right. I am scared. He's the only man in my life lately that I actually care if he comes around again. But I do. Well actually I go back and forth between he hasn't called me and maybe it's better he hasn't called me. I guess at this point in life the only thing that would actually surprise me is if he stuck around. I feel like my chances have got to be getting better since I have been having such shitty luck lately. I don't know anymore. I'm really just trying to deal with life as it's coming at me. Things can change in an instant and I just have to refocus to accommodate. And for the most part I generally feel like I'm getting it. I have been dealing pretty well, being really flexible in my plans. Refocusing my goals. Working on my patience with customers. I literally look at that tattoo 15 times daily and remind myself to stay patient. Everyone has their one issue. Something that is so important to them and their experience. Like the beer at their wedding or the rate at which their Keno ticket is processed. Or something that is so important to their being. Like the drama at their club or a couple burnt racks of ribs. Things that aren't the end of the world, but to that person - it's everything. My point is that people aren't perfect. I'm not perfect. Most the time I can realize my mistake but most the time I still make it at least one more time before it really hits home. Everybody is different and has that one thing that makes them tick. For me it's insecurity of being abandoned, some people it's jealousy, some people alcoholism, some people popularity, some people status. Everyone in this world who is living life, is living with issues. Every experience we have is priming us for a choice we will make in the future. So how do we counteract for this? I'm not sure. I know I don't want to feel the way I do. Or act the way I do because of a feeling. But I do it anyway. I guess the main thing is whether or not you can live with someone elses issues. I can't make anyone like me or want me no matter how badly I want them to. So why keep worrying about it? I guess because deep down there is still a hope in me that one of these times I'm going to get it right and it's going to work. Because one of these times it is going to. But if I don't keep trying I will never know. And with every experience I'm getting stronger and wiser....Hopefully.

Event tip : I get it - it's urgent. But trust me at the end of the day. It truly can wait.