Peace

Something has been on my mind for awhile now and I have got to put it out there. It's eating me alive. I'm a little afraid to say anything, because I'm afraid eventually he is going to see my blog. I've told him about it, but he doesn't know where to find it...yet. So I'm not sure if this is going to work for me. This whole other chicks thing. It's freaking my sh*t out. I think maybe I'm looking for excuses to get out early. I feel as though I'm having all these crazy jealous thoughts and this is really not who I am. Nor who I want to be. I am really struggling with all these thoughts. I keep going back and forth over - I'm okay with it and get me the f*ck out of this. So here is what I think... at the moment - it hurts me that he's out with other women. I don't know what he's doing and how he is with her. Maybe they get along better or who knows what. I'm paranoid that he's going to leave me for her. It sucks. I hate this. I'm not like this. But what am I supposed to think. Maybe I'm old fashioned but I think when you are into someone seriously you stop seeing other people. Guys have been asking me out too and I feel like maybe I should go out with them. But then am I doing it out of spite? He's says he doesn't want to wear a leash so if I say something I'm inflicting that on him. I don't want to give him an ultimatum and I think that's what stopping me from saying anything at all. I can't do it. This has been on my mind for two straight days. I can't live like this. Jealous and lost in thoughts of him. It makes me insecure. I feel like I should be good enough to have him to myself. And what do they think, the other girls. To them I'm the other girl and that has already happened to me once this summer. What do they think about the situation? Do they hope that he eventually wants to be with them only? Are they really okay with it and do they really know? I haven't had time this weekend to sit and actually process all these thoughts since now. I think part of me is scared to lose him because I don't think he'll stay if he knows whats on my mind. I'm not sure I'm ready to lose him. I like him. I am happy to have met him. I have loved the time we spent together but maybe that's it. Now that it's out there I feel some peace. My mind is finally at ease. Now I just have to figure out what to do with it.

I just got out of the shower. Something I do when trying to get rid of negative thoughts. I wanted to cry like I have wanted to over a lot of the aspects in my life and nothing came out. I stood there in the water, super hot, like I like it and couldn't find any tears. I'm sad. I just think I'm all cried out. It never gets me anywhere. I need to get some sleep. I don't even like me anymore. I hate being this annoying, needy, possessive girl. I'm not comfortable in this position and I spent a long time trying to put qualities like this behind me. When I see the woman I want to be I have to be true to that. Putting aside my thoughts, and my personal beliefs is completely undermining who I am. I'm not weak. I'm not needy. I am independent. That's the kind of woman I want to be.