Timing

I work in an industry where I deal with couples all the time. I deal with brides every day. Happy couples are everywhere. I love what I do. I really do. I am so lucky to be able to work with people every day. And I'm good at it. I think it is harder to be a single woman than it is to be a single man. Men move on very easily after a breakup. They quickly find another woman to spend their time with and they forget. Woman internalize a lot of emotion. We rethink all of our actions throughout the duration of the relationship. We wonder where he's at and who he's with. Does he miss us? It's hard to want to put yourself out there again after feeling what we do after a relationship has run it's course. Women are amazing creatures. We are strong and resilient. We pick ourselves up after a fall like this and move along. This experience the past few weeks has changed me. And now that I'm not drinking anymore I'm finally seeing things clearly. It's amazing how the timing of it all can be so off though. Not only with Buzz, but with Joey. I don't know why or how we got to this place again. It was almost exactly a year ago that we were here before. I was thinking tonight that I have been selfish. I have no right to even think he should give me a second chance. Because now all of a sudden I'm ready, I think he should drop everything for me. It's not fair to him. I wasn't ready before, he isn't ready now. The time is off and who knows what the future will hold.

The Past

I don't know why he's with her when he wants to be with me. It's clear there is still something there. Of all the men in my life that I have thought were the one. I have thought that some of the men I've been with, Buzz, Harrison, Hank, have really understood me. I have always discounted Joey. I have never really given him a chance. He has always seen something in me. When we were freshman in college we used to talk on the phone for hours when we were both stuck at our families for the holidays. He stayed even when I tried to push him away. I'm not easy to live with. Or even be around. I used to walk across campus to sleep in his twin bed with him. I'd wear his clothes home in the morning. I remember the first time we had sex. We had been messing around for months and I stayed the night with him during Spring Break and I let him go all the way. We were just kids then. I moved into the sorority and he moved to his apartment in south town. I used to call him when I would get drunk with the girls and he always came. Every time I call him, he always comes. I realize now that he never changed the game. I did. I changed when I moved into the house. I changed when I became part of the "popular" crowd, something I never was in high school. I became friends with Jocelyn and I really cared what everyone thought about me. I let him go. I was so worried about what everyone else was thinking I let him go. I did some really horrible things to him and he still comes around. He's never done anything wrong to me. In all the time I've known him, he has never done anything to deliberately hurt me. I think that part of him has never really forgiven me for all the shit I've put him through. I think that's why he stays with her. I don't think he thinks I'll ever settle down. He doesn't trust me to be the dotting stay at home girlfriend. Because he knows me too well. How did we get here? He's probably right. I don't trust myself not to hurt him again. I don't blame him. I could have had him years ago if I had figured it out then. I don't think it would have ever worked then. I had too much life to live. I think the best thing he ever did to keep me, was to never hold me to close. I have no idea why he stays around me. I think he knows me better than I do. If I could write the ending to our story it would be me and him. I always said that in college. We were going to end up together. I'm not so sure anymore. I would do anything for him to love me and want me like he used to. I just don't know that he ever will again.

The illusion of relationships

I just had to say "It's not you, it's me" on a first date. It's getting to that. My dating life has got to that point. I'm not even going to continue the date, it stops here and I'm going home. Sometimes I think it's me that's the reason I'm still single. But then I see a really great couple come into my office. They are older a few years than me and I think this is what I'm waiting for, a relationship that is going to last. Guys are always worried that a woman is trying to trick them into a relationship. If I have to hear I'm not looking for a relationship one more time I am seriously going to punch the next guy in the balls. It's kind of like a polite way of saying I just want to get laid. So what they are really saying is I'm going to pretend it's going somewhere while the sex is good and until I find someone else I like better. I'm not a relationship person. I usually assume the role of the man. I don't want to talk about feelings or hang out every day. I love being alone. I really do. I think that guys think they don't want a relationship because it means being tied down. But they are all to willing to tie you down. Like with Buzz, he's free spirit because he likes to sleep around. But when I do it, I'm a big whore. Funny thing, I tamed down for him. Everyone who knows me knows, I'm not into relationships. It's too much work. I always know what I'm doing. How I'm feeling. What I'm thinking. I can't worry about someone else. It's too much. I think that women who know what they want and wont settle for less are really intimidating to a man. He thinks he's the cat's pajamas and when I don't feel the same he gets pissed and leaves for that girl who won't leave because she is actually holding on to the belief that one day it will just be the two of them. I think some people are just hopelessly single. Like me. I'm only dating married, engaged, or men with girlfriends from now on. That way I can send them home to their bitch when they start to piss me off. I don't have time to deal with your issues. I've got enough of my own.

PS. I just saw a couple riding a tandem bicycle and I threw up a little bit in my mouth.

Life

It's weird how the seasons change. Almost without you even knowing about it. I looked down today as I was entering my house and realized there were leaves everywhere. It's fall again. I guess it has happened gradually. It was getting colder outside I need a jacket in the morning, the house is cold when I get home from work. I was just too caught up in myself to notice. Seasons change. Life changes everyday. I feel like time is literally passing me by. Just yesterday I was sitting across the street from Chi Omega in Jocelyn's little red Honda chatting and drinking Bud Light. Now I'm a 25 year old woman, single living with two dogs and a cat I don't really like. I seem to have lost my way. Somewhere just recently everything derailed and I'm not quite sure how to get it back. I used to love everyday. I loved what I was doing and just living life how I wanted. Now I'm in debt, working my ass off, still paying bills late. Life used to be much less complicated. Relationships used to be much less complicated. We all had the same goal in mind in college - graduate. It was easy to find someone with common interests because they type of people you were meeting were relatively the same. Life was easy. Love was easy. Now I'm just a big lush sleeping around and getting arrested.

Don't worry, the arrest story is coming. I just haven't perfected it yet. And if you haven't heard it. Be prepared.

Lost

I can't describe how I'm feeling right now. I go from acceptance to fear to funny. I just keep thinking why me? What do I keep doing wrong? I know I made poor choices. But I feel like it's too late to fix them now. I don't even know where to begin. I feel completely lost and alone. No one really knows what I'm going through. I'm trying to accept that the past is past and now all I can do is look to the future. I can't change what I've done. But I can change what I do. I need to start making the changes I want to see in myself. I keep saying oh next time. There is no more time. The time has to be now, that's the only way I will see the improvements if I start making the effort now, not tomorrow. I messed up. More than once.. I know right from wrong, I am an adult. I have to take responsibility for myself and get myself out of this mess. I know what my goals are. I know the woman I want to be. The difficult part is being her right now when all I want to do is feel sorry for myself and give up. But despair isn't a good color on me. I just have to focus on my goals, see who I want to be, and make the changes to accompany. Everything happens for a reason. I also believe that God doesn't lead us to situations we can't handle. Tomorrow is another day.

Insomnia

I've moved past anger and frustration into hurt and regret. I'm still not quite sure what the appropriate stages are to get over someone. I'm beside myself. I'm still not really sure what happened. I keep trying to place the blame on myself. I'm sure it has got to be me. I keep going over it and over it in my head. We're women, this is what we do. Things were fine...ish Thursday. Friday he ignored me all weekend, then told me to have fun with my boyfriend. Friday I realized the paranoia and the stress were killing me and it was over. Saturday I told him. Saturday and Sunday I didn't respond to his texts. I figured if he really wanted me he'd call. He didn't. Ladies, let me tell you - never think he knows what the "right" thing to do is. Just tell him what you want. Thursday and Friday one week later things go from bad to worse and suddenly we aren't even Myspace friends anymore. He thinks I'm crazy. But my meds make that chemically impossible. I'm left alone to wonder what I did wrong and he gets to call me crazy and move on. It's not that it's even a really huge loss. I should have known better. I was instantly drawn to his tortured soul and his bad boy attitude. We clicked immediately. But when it really comes down to we know nothing about each other. He has no idea who I am. I'm sad because I don't think we really ever had a chance. He says we were never a couple and I believe him. He would never have allowed that. He made me believe I was the only one he wanted, that eventually it would be just me. And that made it worthwhile for me. I didn't want to see anyone else and I gave him the power to manipulate our entire relationship. And he did. He says he would never be satisfied by just one woman, he's a free spirit. But I'm a free spirit too. But apparently our connotations are very different and now I'm being punished because he's a polygamist. I am devastated. I developed insomnia in college when the real world and real drama started to affect me. It's been my curse ever since. When I started to get really stressed and I can't find the answers to my questions I can't sleep. I just stay awake - writing and reading and watching shows. I'm feeling better though. This morning I felt better. I'm feeling more like myself. Getting back into my routine. But something hit me like a ton of bricks right around 2 this afternoon. He hit me. Hit my thoughts. I am obsessing. I can't get it out of my head. I can't process it. I can't find the answer. I can't talk to him about it. There's a lump in my throat. My musics not help. My breathing is quick. I'm panicking. I call Kristi. I just needed to hear her voice, I'll calm down. It works. I make it through work and now here I am. Wide awake. Even Mya is in bed. Oh well, tomorrow is a different day.

Move On

I'm beside myself about this. I feel strangely calm and collected. I have proceeded with life as usual. Better than usual. I'm sleeping, eating again. Making a conscious decision to not drink my pain away. I am accepting that it's just over. I gave it the best I had. The best I knew how. This outcome may not be the most desirable and I'm sad. But life ultimately goes on. I got up this morning, dressed, and went for coffee. I was on my game at the wedding show, perky and attentive with my brides. Left work and made a brief appearance with the family. Headed to the dog park as usual and met my new friends. Watched the dogs run for an hour, home, shower, Desperate Housewives. Business as usual. He's on my mind. He's almost always on my mind. I keep thinking I could have done something different. I should have tried harder and comprised more. Maybe I provoked him or overstepped. Maybe everything was in my head and I am the crazy one. Bottom line, regardless of what happened in the past. He's gone, it's over, and I'm alone…again.


Now's the hard part. We move on.

Heartbreak

I'm heartbroken. Sad to the point of silence. Which for those who know me must mean it's really bad. I didn't turn the TV on or push play on the Ipod when I got home tonight. I literally want to be alone with myself and my thoughts. How did I get here? To this point of no return, to the point where nothing that I can think or say will make anything better. Nothing I can do will make anything better. Acceptance. It happened…move on. Sadness and tears can only get me so far. Anger and hatred can get me a bit further. This is the end. I hope that this is it. I can barely function and focus on anything but him. I'm looking for something, anything, to get me through this. A man, a bottle, a cigarette. My mind is reeling. I'm a talker, I love to fight and yell and scream til it's over. It's the silence that hurts me. It breaks me down so I feel alone and disoriented. I don't know where to go from here. As a child, I would cry or scream or throw something. As an adult, I'm in my own home with my own things so I can't break anything, I can't scream because I have neighbors, and I can't cry because the tears just won't come. So instead I just sit here alone. Broken and silent wondering where to go from here. I can't think very long term, but I'm thinking a glass of wine and a really hot shower first. After that, who knows?

Fight

Glen told me once don't pull someone into the alley until you know how they fight. So people fight fair and honest. Some people are mean and violent. I'm usually mean and violent. Not with him though, he may not think so but he got off easy. I had so many mean and nasty things I wanted to say but I held back. I don't really want to hurt him. After everything, I really don't. We just have two personalities that don't fit together. It happens all the time. Statistics show that most relationships don't work out. It still hurts though. I'm devastated. I could handle most things. Angry words are just that. But I feel that he brings up the other woman because he knows exactly what button to push of mine. What she has that I don't. I know exactly what button to push of his. I'm not innocent. I danced around it but never said exactly what I was thinking. Bottom line. I didn't want to hurt him like that. It seems like he had no problem doing it to me though.