Heartbreak

I'm heartbroken. Sad to the point of silence. Which for those who know me must mean it's really bad. I didn't turn the TV on or push play on the Ipod when I got home tonight. I literally want to be alone with myself and my thoughts. How did I get here? To this point of no return, to the point where nothing that I can think or say will make anything better. Nothing I can do will make anything better. Acceptance. It happened…move on. Sadness and tears can only get me so far. Anger and hatred can get me a bit further. This is the end. I hope that this is it. I can barely function and focus on anything but him. I'm looking for something, anything, to get me through this. A man, a bottle, a cigarette. My mind is reeling. I'm a talker, I love to fight and yell and scream til it's over. It's the silence that hurts me. It breaks me down so I feel alone and disoriented. I don't know where to go from here. As a child, I would cry or scream or throw something. As an adult, I'm in my own home with my own things so I can't break anything, I can't scream because I have neighbors, and I can't cry because the tears just won't come. So instead I just sit here alone. Broken and silent wondering where to go from here. I can't think very long term, but I'm thinking a glass of wine and a really hot shower first. After that, who knows?