Insomnia

I've moved past anger and frustration into hurt and regret. I'm still not quite sure what the appropriate stages are to get over someone. I'm beside myself. I'm still not really sure what happened. I keep trying to place the blame on myself. I'm sure it has got to be me. I keep going over it and over it in my head. We're women, this is what we do. Things were fine...ish Thursday. Friday he ignored me all weekend, then told me to have fun with my boyfriend. Friday I realized the paranoia and the stress were killing me and it was over. Saturday I told him. Saturday and Sunday I didn't respond to his texts. I figured if he really wanted me he'd call. He didn't. Ladies, let me tell you - never think he knows what the "right" thing to do is. Just tell him what you want. Thursday and Friday one week later things go from bad to worse and suddenly we aren't even Myspace friends anymore. He thinks I'm crazy. But my meds make that chemically impossible. I'm left alone to wonder what I did wrong and he gets to call me crazy and move on. It's not that it's even a really huge loss. I should have known better. I was instantly drawn to his tortured soul and his bad boy attitude. We clicked immediately. But when it really comes down to we know nothing about each other. He has no idea who I am. I'm sad because I don't think we really ever had a chance. He says we were never a couple and I believe him. He would never have allowed that. He made me believe I was the only one he wanted, that eventually it would be just me. And that made it worthwhile for me. I didn't want to see anyone else and I gave him the power to manipulate our entire relationship. And he did. He says he would never be satisfied by just one woman, he's a free spirit. But I'm a free spirit too. But apparently our connotations are very different and now I'm being punished because he's a polygamist. I am devastated. I developed insomnia in college when the real world and real drama started to affect me. It's been my curse ever since. When I started to get really stressed and I can't find the answers to my questions I can't sleep. I just stay awake - writing and reading and watching shows. I'm feeling better though. This morning I felt better. I'm feeling more like myself. Getting back into my routine. But something hit me like a ton of bricks right around 2 this afternoon. He hit me. Hit my thoughts. I am obsessing. I can't get it out of my head. I can't process it. I can't find the answer. I can't talk to him about it. There's a lump in my throat. My musics not help. My breathing is quick. I'm panicking. I call Kristi. I just needed to hear her voice, I'll calm down. It works. I make it through work and now here I am. Wide awake. Even Mya is in bed. Oh well, tomorrow is a different day.