An expensive lesson

He said to me this time, "I really do not or did not try to f*ck with you! I really didn't think I was leading you on tho! I don't like hurting you so I just thought that I should speak up now befor things go heavier!" That was his exact message. I should have known. Being friends is something woman say when they want to trick guys into getting back together by allowing them to see how amazing they are by remaining friends. I keep putting him on this pedestal, thinking he's this great guy because he has treated me the best out of the revolving door of losers that I have been through this past year/life. Turns out he's worse because he's in camouflage. I tell him that I don’t want to talk about it anymore, I don't understand him. I'm lost in emotions, not sure if I should be sad or angry or relieved. I'm not really surprised. The only thing that would surprise me would be someone who stayed. I knew this would happen, I told him this would happen. I am fantastic. He did see that when I was there. He kept saying, I want to kiss you, please stay. Stay with me, I miss you. Holding my hand and hugging me. Calling me babe. And like the woman I don't want to be, I ate it up. I want to be loved and love in return. The problem is I usually offer love without being loved in return. I allowed myself to be led on. I didn't stay though and I wouldn't let him kiss me because I knew this would happen. So I am angry because I was right. I am angry because he is exactly who I thought he was. But I'm not sad. Embarrassed for being tricked again, pissed that it cost me $350.00 because my car got towed at his shitty apartment that I previously vowed never to go to again, but not sad. An expensive lesson to learn. Next time I would rather just pay the money and hold onto my heart.

The Next Intended Thing

I have been planning this party for weeks. I decided I was going to have a holiday party and it completely consumed me. Planning menus, shopping, baking. All for tonight which turned out less than perfect. I have been so excited. Something to look forward to and focus energy on. I want to love people. I want to make sure they are taken care of. I wanted them to feel included and special. I thought about everyone. What they would want and enjoy. It started earlier today when Boston said he wasn't coming. Actually he didn't say anything. That would out of character. Instead, I heard through Andrew, my gay boyfriend, that he wasn't coming. I planned special beverages just for him. I planned an entire non-alcoholic menu. Just so he would feel loved and respected. I went out of my way to invite Fiona when I knew it was going to make other people uncomfortable. I invited everyone so everyone would feel included and welcome. Instead, they didn't come. Then I got a message from Jay-Z that he wanted to come but felt awkward. He didn't want to confuse things between us. I didn't realize there were things to confuse. He can't come because he doesn't trust himself and he is confused. If I have to hear about his f*cking confusion one more f*cking time, I swear. It's like Buzz and the damn writing on the wall. Literally. He talked about it for months. The things he said when he thought it was me still echo in my dreams of him. He was mean when he wanted to be. Then when he finally got it through his head that I don't make it a habit to drive all over Oregon writing hurtful things on bathroom stalls about him, he was obsessed with talking about who it could have been. I blamed friends and went along with his delusion only because it kept him from blaming me. Then he started on why wasn't I a better woman. Why hadn't I gone in a sandpapered it off the stall walls in Silverton. He talked about it for months. I finally gave up, drove to Silverton, stuck some sandpaper in my purse, snuck into the restroom, and sandpapered it off only so I didn't have to hear about it anymore. I didn't tell anyone I had done it. I was so embarrassed. I guess I needed to read the writing on the wall. Metaphorically. I told Jay-Z the only confusion was him, I have been fantastic. Do what you want. I just wish if he wasn't going to come he didn't make sure a big dramatic production of it. I'm coming, I'm not, I'm confused. I want to but I just don't know. I probably shouldn't. I was wrapped up in bullshit texts for an hour or more and then by the end so frazzled, confused, and LSE (low self esteem), that I didn't even want to be at my party. I tried to pretend. To be happy and I was for the rest of the night. Then everyone left and I lay on the couch with Mya. Rivers of tears. My heart hurts so bad I can't breathe. I pray for relief. For breath and strength. My lungs rushed full of air and lay there for a few more minutes. I realized even though I have been so mistreated this year. Even though people continue to wound my heart, I am still loving others. All I wanted was to bring joy and support to those closest to me. Christina and I spend more time together than her and her husband. I want her to feel comfortable and supported by me. To trust me. To respect me. I stood up and went to the kitchen. A former good friend told me once to proceed with the next intended thing. I told him what if I don't know what that is? He said just do what's next. So I packed up all the crackers and chips. And surveyed the wreckage and realized. This house shows love. The food was eaten. There were cups and bottles everywhere. Mya was asleep on the couch. The house smells of cookies and meatballs. I thought to myself, there is still love here. I am still loved. Even if Jay-Z doesn't, or Boston doesn't, or G doesn't, or Buzz never did, I am loved. Mya is loved. We have friends and family who want to see us. My sister and my niece stopped by and I was telling them what happened and tears sprang to my eyes. My fourteen year old niece said he doesn't deserve you. He may not, but I still want him to. My head hurts and my eyes are swollen from crying. It's time for the next intended thing, rest.

Happily Single

I break down my writing by relationship. I have a section for each of the significant men in my past and a section dedicated to the hopelessly single. While decorating the Christmas tree tonight and planning for the holiday party I decided I'm going to host, I realized I'm not hopelessly single. I'm happily single. I believe that there is someone out there for me and I will happily wait until I get it right. It so easy to take freedom for granted. I always know what I'm doing, what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling. No games to be played or texts to be ignored. You don't want me and I just realized I don't really want you. Any of you. I have tried so long and so hard to be the perfect girl. The perfect prospective girlfriend. All the while not realizing, I already am. I am perfect for someone. Someone who will understand me and what I need. Someone who wants to be there. Who answers the phone, returns the text, and engages in conversation like a man. Someone who gives me the grace I need and realizes I'm not perfect, but I am a beautiful work in progress. I have a good life. I have been blessed with a wonderful family, a beautiful home, a decent job, a happy dog, amazing friends, and so much more. I let the views of few, affect the views of many. And more importantly the views of one. I was made this way for a reason. Built to be the woman I am, who only gets better every day that passes. I'm done wasting time. It's never too late to be brand new, to put everything else in the past and leave it there. Who I am is not what I've done. No longer do these chapters control my head and my heart. I don't want someone who doesn't want me. You wanted freedom and so do I. Freedom to be who I am. Freedom to do what I want. What inspires me. What fulfills me and satisfies me. It's exciting to realize that we don't have to be bound to the mistakes of our past. Enough is enough. This happily single girl is not alone, but finally free.

Lost and alone...again?

I can't quite wrap my mind around it. I am sad and confused. Hurt. Things are never perfect in a relationship, but I didn't realize anything was wrong. I felt safe and comfortable. Like after all this time of trying to be someone else. I could finally be myself. So it hurts to think that maybe that's the problem. Everything happened so suddenly. We went from one great night on Halloween to this. Like everything we had been building all added up to nothing worth hanging on to. Everything I had been building I guess. Trust and respect is earned and developed. I respected you. I thought you were a good man and after one failed relationship to the next over the past year. I finally felt like I had found someone that I could have a future with. I saw us getting that house you talk about with the yard for the dogs. And you cooking in that kitchen you want. Maybe with a bar so I can sit on a stool and watch. I was fascinated by you. Such a good man, like nothing I have ever known. Patient and kind. Now it all seems so silly. Like a waste of a broken heart. I feel discouraged. In what seemed like in just an instant everything changed. And I am mad. I deserved more than just a text. And even the text I had to fight for. Did you just think you could never talk to me again and I wouldn't notice or care? Something happened that you won't tell me about and I am angry because of that. Maybe I wasn't as invested as I should have been. My heart is guarded and with reason after what I have been through the past year. In an instant you violated my heart. Took away from me everything that felt safe. I feel abandoned and cast aside. It seems easy for you. And it probably is. I have few friends up here. Neighbors I can't stand. Your life has probably barely missed a beat. In that instant I lost a friend and confidant. I guess you can't break a broken heart, but still I'm devastated. You used to make me feel beautiful. Every day, I felt lucky. Now all I think about is what I did or said. Maybe I'm not pretty enough, or funny enough, or social enough. But I thought I was enough for you. It hurts that I don't know how to be something that you miss. I'm just me. And for the past few years, being just me hasn't been enough for anyone. I am disheartened that I let you in when I didn't want to only to have that trust and respect disregarded with so little care. Not even a phone call or a quick stop to talk. Nothing. I wasn't worth anymore of your time. I'm tired of being disappointed by men. I'm embarrassed that I was obviously more invested than you and so easily abandoned. My feelings and my heart and my mind left to suffer yet another blow.

Moving On

Everything is clean. The house has been dusted. Every corner has been vacumned. The counters are wiped. The mirrors are sparkling. The laundry is done. I guess it’s a healthy outlet. Cleaning. Although as Jocelyn put it the other day, cleaning is more fun with a mimosa in hand and the stack of bottles I need to take out for recycling before mom comes on Saturday tells me that maybe I’m not dealing as well as I would like. I quit smoking, so now I’m drinking? I don’t even like drinking. It makes my tummy hurt and my belly fat. I told a friend tonight, I think I am dangerously close to becoming 700 pounds and bitter. I’m not even that sad. Bored maybe? I just want to get out of the house, but my past stops me from picking up the phone to call company. I would rather be alone. That has to say something about the men in my life. I would rather hang out with a bottle of wine and a Swiffer duster than hang out with most of them. I’ve just stopped responding to all the texts. No, you don’t care how my weekend is going. No, I don’t want to come to Silverton. No, I don’t want to meet you for a drink on Monday. Or Tuesday. Or Sunday. I figure that if I don’t respond, they will take the hint…. They usually don’t. Silly boys.


I won’t lie. I do enjoy company now and again. I want to be wanted. Like most women. I want someone to desire me. To want to see me and want to hang out with me. I want someone to call!!!!! Not text. Call!!!!! I will not date another boy who doesn’t call and ask me out. It’s not hard. I pick up the phone everyday and call strangers to ask for business. He can pick up the phone and call and ask me out. Make plans ahead of time. Not at 10:30 at night, when I have to work in the morning. He can take me out for dinner… and pay. He can even pick me up if he wants to go all out, although I will let that slide. Eventually someone has to get it right. Until then I guess.

I'll never talk again, oh boy you've left me speechless

I don't know how to feel. What to think or what to do. I am confused by what happened and how. Things were going well and then they weren't. Which is pretty standard these days. I feel like I am living in a constant state of chaos. My heart is bruised. I'm not worried about being alone. I enjoy being alone. I don't know why I feel sad. When one leaves there are three more waiting to take his place. After everything we went through, I'm surprised that G is one waiting in line. Smart enough to realize he f*cked up and trying to make it better. No one is perfect or without flaws. Especially me. I continue to make mistakes. Do and say the wrong thing, even though I know better. I guarded my heart this last time with him. Took things slow and held my own pace. I thought we were headed toward the future together. I thought we were on the same page and things were good. I feel stupid, like I knew but wouldn't accept it. It seems like no matter what I do or how I change the outcome is the same. I don't know what's next or what the next step is. I still feel the same disappointment regardless of time spent. A one night stand, a friend with "unresolved chemistry", Tommy Loewen, Tommy Hogan, Charlie, Brad, Ethan, Matt R, Matt S, Matt D, Matt M, Andrew, Kyle, DJ, Jordan, Joel, Garrett, Joey, Ian, Gregg, Frank, John, Eric, Jimmy, the list goes on and on. Since I was 16, men have been coming and going. It's like a revolving door of disappointing experiences. 10 years of dealing with men. I'm done trying. It's to much work to figure someone else out. I always know what I'm doing and what I'm feeling and what I'm thinking. That's enough work. Keeping myself from self-destruction on a daily basis, while trying to keep sales up, manage two employees, take care of the dog and the house, do the laundry, all the while also trying to be the perfect friend, girlfriend, sister, daughter and employee. I deserve someone to take care of me for once. To not be "confused" or "unsure of what he wants". I've said it before, I will say it again, "He's just not that into me." So be a man and fucking say it. Don't text it. Don't email it. Don't kick me out of a relationship on facebook. Don't send a telegram or charter a plane across the sky. Grow a pair and talk to me like an adult. Things don't work out everyday. I disappoint people everyday. I didn't meet my goals. I forgot to send that contract. The proposal is too high. I didn't call that client back. I didn't go to my friends house. I couldn't make it to dinner with my parents. As an adult, I take responsibility for all of that. I don't avoid it or make excuses. It's simple really, just living in the truth. Maybe try it some time.

I don't want a relationship with you

Never let the boys come back after they have f*cked it up. It never works out the second time and the first time should have been warning enough, but as women we are forgiving creatures. And as Jessica. I am one of the most forgiving of them all. I give freely and openly. I believe that people are genuinely good. I believe that relationships can work. And I believe that he is different. I always believe that though and he never really is different. And they all say the same thing, I'm not like him. Blah blah blah. Tell your story walking. I let him come back around too. Boundaries. I set them and then don't stick to them. Something that always bites me in the ass. I was into it. A mild flirtation and some pretty heavy sexting. I am seeing someone now. Finally a really good man. But I wanted to keep Boston around a little bit longer just in case. A girl does need options. Plus it was fairly harmless. We actually haven't been together in person in almost a month and I'm pretty sure texts aren't cheating. When I'm writing them. I probably would have let it go farther but now with the latest development I don't need or want to. I don't know why as women when a man doesn't want us, we want them a little bit more. Not to mention I was curious to see what he could do in person after a couple hours of some pretty hot nights. I'm kind of a bitch. We all know this. It's not really a secret. I never promised to be sunshine and kittens all day everyday. So I text him. I wanted him to come over. I hate to be ignored. Fastest way to piss me off. What person since the invention of the cell phone doesn't have it on them? An hour maybe. You are taking a shower, getting the mail, walking the dog. I get it. But more than that and something is fishy. I forget my cell at home and it's serious cause for panic. Enough to chance being late to work to turn around and get it. I wasn't born yesterday. Come on. So I decided to say something, after being ignored all day. And I'm sick. I wanted a little TLC.

"Thanks for ignoring me all day. I hope you enjoy your day off tomorrow!" I text him. Really not the bitchiest thing I've ever said. And it wasn't really all that undeserving. I would say the same thing to any one of my friends and I have before. You can ask them.

I erased his messages. Something I do when I am angry enough. I feel like it is a cleansing of my energy and then later when I want to re-read and laugh about them to myself I'm a little annoyed for feng shuing my phone. His message said something like, you know what Jessica, I'm tired of this, I must be still leading you on, I can fix this, I don't want a relationship with you.


Hold up. First, who said anything about a relationship. Why are men always jumping to conclusions? Sometimes women just want to f*ck too. We can't say anything. Hi, how is your day going? Um, I'm not really looking for a relationship right now. Uh, yeah okay. Second, I'm seeing someone now. And I wasn't going to tell you before. But now that the claws have come out, you are my back up plan. And not my back up relationship plan. My back up, he's not quite getting the job done, sext and possibly more plan. Third, come on. Look at me. I have no trouble finding men who want to play house, have sex, or send me naughty texts. I could have 90% of the straight men at work and half the gays. So really all he did was piss me off. Please. Next time save me the carpal tunnel and just weed yourself out at the beginning. I know it's hard to do. I am a pretty bad ass bitch.

Birthday Texts

So he waited until my birthday to give me the Jessica we can be friends speech. And via text message no less. My initial reaction was, you have got to be kidding me. I'm not even surprised. Fucking fantastic, I responded to him. I forwarded the message to Jocelyn.

She called me at work, laughing. "I'm not even surprised that happened to you."

"I know, right?" I laughed. "I'm not even surprised either, it's like eh all in a day."

All in a birhtday for me anyway. Last year a different boy f*cked with my head. I didn't answer the phone all day. Didn't want to talk to anyone and didn't want any one to say Happy Birthday. Jocelyn and I met at Roadhouse for a non-celebratory dinner. We ordered 32 oz beers and the guy looked at Jocelyn.

"Rough day?" He asked as he checked our ID.

"No, just a Monday." She answered. He left and didn't say happy birthday after checking my ID. "What the f*ck? Why put a 32 oz beer on the menu if they don't want me to order it? And worse he made me feel bad."

It was the worst service ever and the food was bad. I drove home and finished the night crying myself to bed early. F*cking fantastic.

So no one at work this year even knew it was my birthday this year except my assistant. Don't worry, last week for her birthday we had a potluck and cake, but for my birthday I got confetti on my desk and a pink Starbucks donut. Hey, so far it's an improvement. I will take it. I realized tonight that I haven't had a decent birthday since pre war zone with Buzz. Back when I turned 24 and met Ian. He was perfect, doesn't even need a nick name. Ian and I have broke it off twice now and I still have no hard feelings for him. It was always fun. He is a keeper. From that first night I fell out of Heaven and he still continued to come around. No matter how drunk I got, how many times I fell, how many times I bitchy text him, he was always good to me. And he was always up for a good time. I can't even remember how many nights we have spent together, walking home from Macs to Adro's old house, walking home from Macs to Adro's new house. I adore him still. Although waking up with the marks he liked to leave it was like I was dating a vampire. I guess I might as well, that's very trendy these days.

This birthday wasn't much better, but not much worse so I guess that's a good thing. Now he's not talking to me at all after a couple of bitchy texts that evening. I feel bad, but I was vulnerable. Two shitty birthday's and one shitty year is a lot to handle. Although, I'm certain there are more productive ways to handle it, I haven't found one yet. I'm not that mad about it anymore. I feel bad that things worked out this way.

Jocelyn said, "Why are you sad? You didn't even really like him that much."

"Did I not? I couldn't tell this time. I think I liked him."

"No, you didn't."

"Eh, you are probably right. But I hate it when they don't like me!"


I'm not sure whether or not I liked him or just wanted him around. I know that this was not how I anticipated things happening and that the part that really frustrates me is I can't even remember the fun stuff. It's like a cruel joke. It's like I have been waiting this whole time to make out with him and I have no recollection at all. I just know that I woke up naked and that's never a good sign when he is sitting next to you fully clothed and shoes on. It's comical. Then the hangover hits. Freaking meds. By the way, the side effects are memory loss and did we forget to mention that could happen. Like the mouth sores and the muscle cramps and the insomnia. Is it worth to cure one ailment for the suffering of everything else? I'm not sure what's worse. I feel good. I feel like they are working. The side effects seem minimal in comparison. And maybe it will get better, the doctor said to give it 6 weeks. So I'm naked and completely unaware as to why and he is sitting there looking at the clock and telling me it's time to go. Great. So then the message comes and I sort of figured. I'm blonde but come on. I woke up naked and you are worried about being to work on time. And then I don't hear from him for two days. Never a good sign. Oh well. I want to keep texting him and make him forgive me. There is enough sanity and calm still in my mind saying, let it go, Jessica. And I'm sure its time.

Faith

His story is very short. By his choice not mine. It's funny really when the very reason that someone likes you and is attracted is the same reason that keeps them away. I know I'm not perfect. I am very aware of my shortcomings. I start every group the same way, "I'm Jessica, and I'm a faithful believer." I believe that things will get better and that this is all part of the plan. It's easier and defines me in a way other than, "I'm Jessica. I am codependent. I suffer from anxiety and depression I struggle with habits I can't seem to kick and addictions that I don't want to admit I have. I confuse sex with intimacy, and I use men to fill a loneliness I can't quite seem to kick on my own. " I realize these things are wrong and I am really trying to fix what I can. I don't hide who I am. This is me. This is it. This is who I was made to be. I have never hidden my faults, but where display and speak of them openly. I said to him one of the first nights we hung out, "Oh wow, this is really becoming a shit show." He brought it up again, and I found it endearing that he found endearing something I was horribly embarrassed about. He is a good man. Possibly too weak to be my other half but a good man nonetheless. He apologized today for what I'm still not sure. I know he didn't really do anything wrong but be open about his feelings with me and I criticized him for that. Destructive anger. I reacted faster than I could stop myself and after I calmed down it was too late. I'm not sure how to redeem myself and at some point I have to allow myself to stop. When things go south my tendency is to talk about it. Write about it. Chat with friends about it. I want to fix it. Make it better. Apologize. It's hard because men don't want to talk about it. They don't want to read about it. Or discuss it in details while you read a bullet pointed list of what exactly needs to be fixed in the relationship. I hate to feel this helplessness. This overwhelming sense that there is literally nothing I can do. It truly is faith to just accept that I cannot control him. Or you. Or her. I can barely control me. Let's rephrase that. I can't control me. I try. I do the very best I can. And most days, that still isn't good enough. Everything will be okay though. Have faith.

Relationships....

I am amazed at where I have been this past few months. I picture everyone in a room, sitting around talking about me. As if I am that important. It is really wasted time and energy to sit around and wonder about what other people are thinking. I have no control over it. That truly is the "wisdom to know the difference". I cannot control them. What they think about me, how they feel about me, what they believe to be true about me. I am feeling good these days. Really good. Happy and healthy. I am always surprised how easily I fall into the same patterns though. With Buzz. He's calling, calling, calling. And I always answer. But lately, I don't really feel like talking. I'm tired of jumping through hoops like a f*cking circus poodle. He said tonight, "What? Have you been reading Cosmo? 15 ways to get your man to pay attention?" I said to him, "You're not my man." Bitch, please. He keeps telling me I am lucky that he calls. Am I? F*ck. He is so much work! He says to me, "Who is over there? There are men there?" I'm thinking, "Baby, you keep me busy enough." He knows what I want. It's not surprise to him. He isn't in the dark. He knows my heart and exactly what to say to make me feel connected to him. He is working it. And I'm falling for it. So then, after a bottle of wine, I'm sitting here getting the usual sexts. All the men hanging around have got to get a word in and I give them a little bit back. My mom has always said, you can never have too many friends. I'm in charge. I'm the boss. I thought that today while I was staying late to finish billing and thinking this is why I'm not the assistant. I have got to get sh*t done. I let Buzz pretend to be in charge. He told me tonight, "Okay, I'll play along." Of course you will. Play along. I don't have the time or the energy to pretend and the fact that I will spend even an hour on the phone with you is proof enough that I can't be that big of b*tch you actually think I am. I probably am though. Oh well. I do take some regard to exactly the situation before I get involved, which makes me cautious about everything going down. If G was still at work, I would have probably been fired by now. I hate even knowing that he still has friends there, because I can only imagine what they are saying to him. I have already heard the rumors from his so called friends. I can put together about what he thinks about me. I got b*tches mean mugging me from across the restaurant. I get it. I wasn't born yesterday. I may be blonde but I do get what's going on. It is hard though still. I feel sad. I got on his myspace tonight and looked at shit, I definitely shouldn't look at now and probably should have known about then. Any man that can't take his b*tch off the myspace has got more going on then I can deal with. I should be taking lessons. I do consider myself to be a badass bitch, but when this one can even leash me, that is impressive. No wonder. I don't blame him. Never did, never will. Yes, I am angry that he ran me to hell and back. Wait... He ran me to hell and left me there to fend for myself. Not exactly the man of my dreams. I'm coming back though. With a vengeance.

Blessings in Disguise

I am truly amazed at how evil people can be to one another. Especially women. Women are terrible to each other. I was thinking about it all night and why would this be the case. I still can't find the answer. Another woman hurt me today. Standing in front of a cowardly man, a woman I have never me before said some of the most hurtful things I have ever experienced. She didn't even know me. She knew my name. But she doesn't know me. She doesn't know that I have two dogs that misbehave and I love them anyway. She doesn't know that my mom is in the hospital and that I am disappointed I can't be with my family right now. She doesn't know that I struggle with panic attacks and anxiety. Or that I am battling depression. She doesn't know that my best friend is getting married in two weeks and I am slightly overwhelmed by the planning. She doesn't know that my dad and Vicki got baby goats this weekend, or that I am going over Sunday to see them. She doesn't know that I just got a huge raise and for the first time in my life I am making enough money to pay my rent and my cable in the same month. She has no idea the very details that make up my spirit. She may believe what he's told her. But she doesn't know me. Jocelyn knows me. She knows that sometimes I am flaky and that I keep telling her I will come visit and as bad as I want to I haven't made it there yet. She knows it could be another month but that I will keep my promises. Amber knows me. She knows that I am never enthusiastic about hanging out because I'm so private but that I always love to see her. She knows that we may not see each other again for awhile but when we do it will be like we were never apart. Kristi knows me. She knows that I have been really struggling with some of the decisions I have had to make these days and that I will probably still continue to make poor ones. She knows that I am comfortable telling her anything and that I always will. Stephanie knows me. She knows that I will call her whenever I need her and I know that she will always be there. She knows that I will never leave her side because I am my own person and that she can believe I will always be truthful. Darci knows me. She knows that I order Hamms in a can because it's the cheapest beer out there and that you only ever have buy one. Darci knows exactly when I don't like something or I am acting fake because I am always myself around her. They know every piece of my heart and the love me anyway. They know my character. The know my spirit. They know the hardships I have faced in life and they continue to walk beside me through more. I consider them extensions of my heart. I am amazed and inspired by them daily. I am grateful for my friends. These woman would never believe rumors about me because they know my character. They know exactly who I am, including my faults. I never made promises that I would be anything that I'm not. I have flaws. I make mistakes. I make poor choices and worse decisions. I react in anger before I think about the repercussions. I am completely honest to a fault. I struggle with my weight and at times in causes me to be insecure. I'm not always a good person but I am always a friend. Friendship is an unconditional love and respect. I trust everyone. I think that is my biggest fault. Actually that's not true, I don't trust everyone. I genuinely believe that people are good. I trust that people are good until I have reason not too. Rumors are vicious things. There are always two sides to ever story, but only one side ever gets told. She believes what he is telling her about me although I am certain he has left some details out. As humans, we can always spin a story to sound exactly how we want it to. Especially when the person you are talking about isn't around to defend themselves. I lost the energy to defend myself anyway. I wanted to fight back. I was angry and hurt be this girl, not even a woman, spouting off about a situation she knows nothing about. Not to mention, this little boy I thought was my friend is talking negatively about something I shared with him in confidence. Ultimately I feel like I brought this on myself. I fed into the drama and the lies because I was so angry. Here are two people who know nothing about me, I won't even dignify them with names. Him a boy to cowardly to speak to me himself, sending a woman in to fight for him. And to be honest, I still I'm not sure what or why just happened. Then there is her, a girl who knows nothing about me, has never met me, and has the edacity to say such hurtful things to me. When everything she says is based of lies he is telling her. I was floored. My feelings were hurt and I was upset. I felt embarrassed and ashamed. Betrayed. I felt helpless and hopeless. I wanted to react in anger and fight back, but a friend told me tonight to let it go. And I realize now that is all I can do. People say hurtful things because they don't know any better. It is not about her or what she has to say. Who I am has nothing to do with who she says I am or he says I am or who G says I am. I am me. This is who I am. And I won't offer apologies for it anymore.

The Blame Game

I am tired. Tired of feeling sad and overwhelmed. Hopeless. For woman at this stage, many thoughts run through our minds. Vindication. Redemption. Our minds are full of what ifs, and what might have been. Maybe what SHOULD have been. There are many reasons relationships fail. We like to blame them on you. But what if all along the problem is us. Me in particular. I do seem to be the common denominator. Maybe all this time I thought he wasn't ready and really all this time its been me. I have so much going on that I need to work on. I can't even begin to think about someone else to. But I want to. I want so much to be in a relationship with a good man, who really loves me. I'm not even sure I know one of those or if it really exists. But I can be hopeful. Even when there are so many reasons to give up and so many temptations to resist. It's not easy to do when there are so many reasons not to believe.

Again

I just feel so lost. I keep wondering if I have made the right decisions. I feel so alone. Broken and tired. Lately I feel like all I do is lay in pain and sleep. Just taking care of myself until I start to feel normal again. I'm sad. All the time I feel sad. I am bummed at the way everything turned out. It seems like everything changed in the blink of an eye. I was so happy and things were going so well and now this. I'm just so overwhelmed by everything that's happened. I don't even know where to begin to sort it all out. But I do know that I don't want to be this woman. I don't even recognize myself anymore. My heart is broken in a million pieces. I want to lay in bed until I wake up and everything is okay. I thought I knew heartbreak and grief before. This is like nothing I have ever known. But I'm hopeful, one day at a time things are getting better.

Sex and relationships... relationships and sex?

I think a man loses a little respect for a woman when it all happens so fast. Like fire, when it's so hot and powerful it burns out quickly. Whether or not you want to agree, it's true. It was too easy for him. The man that I see now and the goofy boy that came to pick me up for the Rose Festival are two very different people. G said to me that it never would have worked out. I guess that's true, he was never looking for a relationship, he was rebounding. And I guess I sort of was too. I shouldn't have got involved. It was too soon for me and I want something different. Something more than I had with Buzz or with any of the other little boys that follow me around hoping for a piece. I'm ready for something serious. A commitment and a relationship. I waited for so long with Buzz and we went back and forth and I'm still not sure what really happened or how I would define our relationship. When I was with him it was so different and so much better than anything I had ever had. I fell hard almost instantly because he is a good man. He offered me everything Buzz hadn't. And I was a sucker for it. I still don't really know what happened. It was good and then it wasn't. I know a lot of it was me. I am a lot to handle. I have been cheated on and pushed around and left alone more times than I care to say. I think a lot of that is my fault to. I set myself up for disappointment. I want what I want and I'm not good at communicating my needs and when I do it never comes out right. I have a passion and an intensity that scares even me sometimes. I feel very deeply and I love openly and give myself freely. I think that I overcompensate because I want so bad to be wanted and loved back. I tried daily to remind myself that you were not him. I can't punish G for everything Buzz did wrong. But part of me still tried. I hung around longer than I should have because I honestly thought that we could work it out. But it can't work when we are stuck on the same issues. I can't change him. He can't change me. It is what it is.

Alone

I'm tired of seeking approval. I'm waiting for the phone to ring. Or checking my facebook. I blocked him from my facebook and yet I keep checking, thinking maybe by some miracle of computers and the internet, he may have messaged me. What I want is for him to show up on my doorstep saying he's sorry and he loves me. Or just that he's sorry and he wants me back. Or if he text. Or if he messaged. It's stupid really. Most the time I won't even wait for him to say he's sorry. It's ridiculous. I'm being ridiculous. Waiting around and wasting my time. It hurts though, to feel rejected and alone. I keep wondering when it will finally happen for me and why it hasn't yet. Why can't I just find a good guy that genuinely wants to be with me? It's exhausting to think about nothing but the failing relationships in my life. I have been trying to focus that energy else where. Productive things like work and reading. My skin is tired and I have dark circles. I have been so distracted letting myself think of nothing else. It's hard to be alone. To really be alone and allow that feeling to overwhelm. I'm lonely regardless. So I might as well be alone too. It's either that or the constant back and forth of a relationship that doesn't work. At some point you are either moving back or progressing forward. We can't just stand still. I don't want to go back. Life is about advancement. It's not working. That much I can see. We can only do so much. So I need to change the things I can. I can change that I don't have to talk to them. All those little boys running around thinking they are men. I can't find a good man when I'm distracted by all of this other drama.

Blowing up the cell phone

So we had a fantastic weekend together. But here it is Monday and I haven't heard from him. I text him earlier and have never heard back. This is what I don't understand about men. We aren't stupid. Since the invention of the cell phone everyone, even ten year olds, have their phone on them 24 hours a day. We keep them on at night, plugged in by our beds in case someone might call us in the middle of the night. So when I text you and never hear back all day, all night, and all morning. There is an issue. I'm trying to not to be crazy and to act crazy but come on! In my heart I know this is probably not working, nor will it ever. I need someone who doesn't mind if I call or text and who calls and texts me. I just want a little reassurance that you like me, you want me, and you are thinking about me. That's not so much to ask is it. I imagine that no man will ever make me entirely happy and I am willing to take that chance to find some who has most of it. The way I feel with G3 is so different than Buzz. I love being with him. I want to see him all day everyday. It's weird an overwhelming and I can't control it. I do realize that we were together all weekend, but I would spend tonight with him too. And tomorrow. It's absolutely ridiculous. I thought about Buzz a lot recently because he has called a couple times. I miss him. I really do, some parts of him are amazing. I loved being with him. When I was with him. I was thinking about it though and I have probably spent more time collectively with G3 than I ever did the past few months I was with Buzz. G3 and I have probably had more sex, definitely had more dates and less fights. I realize now that it doesn't have to be like this. I don't have to stay with Buzz, there are other men out there. And maybe G3 isn't it either. But I know for right now. He is definitely a step in the right direction. I just hope that he will have enough patience to deal with me.

Flame to a paper

His dark eyes dared me with danger and sparks fly like flame to a paper. Fire in his touch burning me up, but still I held on.

It feels like my heart is on fire. I can’t quite breathe all the way. I'm so frustrated and I feel so trapped to say anything about it. I'm stuck in this gray area...again. How did I end up here? Was it me? Was it him? A combination of too many issues and way to much baggage to come together as a productive healthy relationship. My heart hurts again. I feel alone and worse even, I feel lonely. I miss him and I didn't know that was possible. Everything happened so fast. It was like a fire. That first night was the spark and it was only a matter of time before the whole thing went up in flames. My girlfriends keep saying, whatever, you are better than that, he's an asshole. They would never tell me that maybe in fact, it's me that's the problem.

Crazy for you

I am terrified of this situation I got myself into. I am not quite sure I can even find the words to say exactly what I am feeling. I like him so much I am terrified he will leave. I am trying to keep myself calm enough not to freak out like the crazy bitch I am. But I'm afraid it's wait too late for that. I already freaked out a little bit. It's like I could feel myself getting a little batty and I couldn’t stop it. I'm still not really sure why. I don't feel like it should be all my fault, but I'm positive it probably is. Or maybe I just think it is because it always was. I had a very long chat with a very close friend tonight and she really opened my eyes to what I am doing in this relationship. My past is not his fault. What happens in the past should stay exactly there. He is not Buzz. He will not do the same things that Buzz did. He will not say the things Buzz said. This situation is completely new. Our relationship is completely new. I can't keep punishing him for Buzz's mistakes.

Do you like me?

He's everything Buzz wasn’t. He wants to be with me and he is proud of me. He doesn't care if I drink to much and freak out. Or act like a girl and get bitchy. I want to be with him all the time. I have so much fun when we are together, every night is a good night. I want to tell everyone about it. I want to tell everyone in my life every detail of the night, but when I try to remember I can't. I just know it was close to perfect. It's silly. I'm smiling just writing about it. We had a chat the other day after partying all night. He called me his girlfriend. It scared the hell out of me. But I kinda liked it. I have thought a lot about what I would call him and I finally found it. For those of you who know me and the men who have graced my past, I rarely am satisfied just once. For this he earns the nickname G3, because as we know, the third times a charm.

I'll never love again

I am afraid to let myself feel completely. I am afraid that I may feel overwhelmed if I really allow myself to feel that hurt. I am trying to keep my mind busy and my head occupied. I felt overwhelmed today. Overwhelmed by grief and guilt. I felt angry and hurt. I notice little things I don't do anymore because of him. I can't check my horoscope, because he was a Virgo too. It's weird, I know. I just don't want to think about how it relates to his life like I have done in the past. I would read it for both of us and see where the day was going to take us. I know in my head that it is better this way. But I feel in my heart that sense of dread and overwhelming sorrow. As the days go by I keep thinking it's going to get better and it doesn't. I think it's getting worse. The more days that go by, I hope he calls and I hope he'll stop by and when he doesn't I am sad. I still wake up at night thinking about him and I check my phone. Just in case he called. He hasn't. I'm devastated.

I was trying to be nice....

He called last night and I knew it was him when the phone rang. It came up private number, but I could feel him before I answered. He wanted to tell me he doesn’t hate me. Uh, thanks for sharing, now I can sleep at night. Don't flatter yourself. I don't give a shit if you hate me or not. He says he's not hurting me but last time I checked they are my feelings and I can feel hurt if I want. He is right though, he is not hurting me. I am hurting myself by continuing in this downward spiral. It's sad really. I had wanted him to call for a week and when he finally did I was so angry I couldn't even focus on what he was saying or what I wanted to say. He repeats himself. Nothing I can say or do will make it right at this point in time. I think Garrett is just his excuse to brush me off. It amazes me that even though Garrett and I talked and he said it was a friendly thing too, Tommy is still convinced I'm trying to sleep with him. I've gotten so used to defending myself to him that I don't even have the energy to really fight back. I try and he tells me to let him talk. I don't really want to hear what he has to say. I think most of it is bullshit. Excuses and exaggerations that he has worked up in his mind. I can't say sorry enough, it doesn't matter with him. He brings up the past, stuff that wasn't true then, he throws in my face now. His perception of reality is altered from what I believe to really be happening. I tell him I love him, but it's mainly out of habit and no longer because I feel it. I remember the first time I wanted to tell him I loved him. I felt like it would explode and I wanted him to know. He did say it back one time, but I know now it was a lie. I keep telling him I love him and I'm sorry. I feel like these are all things I should say. Mainly I feel relieved. I am hurt and angry. I am hurt that he can't see how much I did love him and that if had accepted it sooner, maybe none of this would have happened. I am hurt that he doesn't love me and probably never did. I am hurt that I worked so hard to make things work and they are failing so miserably. I am angry that he won't listen to me because he is so stubborn. I am angry that he never has believed me and will never take my side. He never trusted me and a relationship can't be one sided. He says he doesn't want to talk about it anymore and I tell him to quit calling me then. I text him when we get off the phone because I was so angry I couldn’t get my words out on the phone. He is hurting me and I angry he is wrong I do care about him. I have a funny habit of erasing my messages after I send them so I won't reread and obsess. I take a sleeping pill and drift off. I wake up in the night, like every night since I have lived at my new house. I check my phone, like every night, looking for messages from him. There is one. "Look! Like I said, kick rocks, you need to move on, I don't have time for your shit! I was trying to be nice." Why try now? All of a sudden he is trying to be nice. Whatever. I don't have time to let him live rent free in my head anymore. Thanks for calling to tell me you don't hate me, but you do think I'm a piece of shit. I need more too. Thank you for finally setting me free.

Cooking and cleaning and working oh my

I spend 90% of my day responding to other people's needs. My clients, my boss, my assistant, my dog. I want someone who takes care of me at the end of the day. I have to keep control of myself and my team, 40+ hours a week. Then I get off and my mom calls, or my sister, my girlfriend, Buzz. I am trapped on the phone, even though I don't really want to talk but they need to be taken care of too. So I just make conversation. And then I politely excuse myself from the conversation. Tommy says he needs someone else. Someone to take care of him, cook and clean. Even though the feminist in me hates me a little for saying this, I want to be taken care of too. I don't need someone to pay for me, I can make my own money. I want someone to be there when I get home and ask how my day was. Someone who listens when I talk. Offers advice when I need it. I would love to cook and clean for him. Bake cookies at night and plate his food like Vicki does for my dad. I think it's reciprocal. I want the emotional support and I'll give him everything else. I like the idea of being a working mom with a stay at home dad. I love to work. I'm good at it. When I come home at the end of the day, I want my man to be the man. To take care of me for once since all day long I take care of business. I need someone man enough to take care of me, if I wanted to date another woman, I'd be a lesbian. I remember the night I made dinner for Buzz at my new house. We watched a movie after dinner and I cuddled up to him on the couch. For that one moment in time, I felt so complete. So safe and content. But one moment isn't enough to translate into a relationship. He says I don't have what he needs and realistically he doesn’t have what I need either.

Heartbreak. Forgive. Love. Repeat.

It does hurt. It feels like someone put a hole through my heart. Sometimes I feel like I can hardly breathe. Part of me feels like maybe this was just another way for him to pawn off actually having to make a commitment. We should have never tried again after round one. But I wanted so badly to make it work, I would do anything. I would believe anything. I made excuse after excuse for him. I didn't have anything else going on and I wasn't really available to meet anyone else. Part of me feels relieved now. Like I don't have to keep pretending to be something I'm not. I don't have to not do or say things because it might piss him off. I feel like I have slept in months. Especially these past few weeks, I'm up several times a night. My body has conditioned itself to wake up, just in case, I don't want to miss a call or text from him. I think it was all an illusion. Him and me. I don't think it ever really was in reality what I thought it was in my head. I need to get away. Just let my heart have time to heal. Let my mind have time to sort through thought of him and feelings of doubt and regret. Really these few months are just a blip on my map through life. It's seems silly sometimes to get so worked up. Yet, I still can't stop myself. I'm sad and I don't know where to start healing. Time is passing so slowly and I can run fast enough away from the memory of you. I don't know how to feel better. It hurts all the way to my core. I'm heartbroken. I guess somehow I always knew I would end up alone. Or at least without you. It's amazing that the one person you have to live without can make you forget all of the wonderful things you do have. I can't believe everything we have worked for is falling apart again. I wish I could make it right. But sometimes love is so far gone it can't be saved. I should have known he would do this to me again. Ultimately people don't change.

"Friends"

My head hurts tonight. I'm stressed and tired of thinking about him. I can't believe we are here again. And things have been going so well. Too well. That's why I shouldn't be surprised. It's amazing how one simple thing can change everything. I guess it's not really one simple thing. It's everything he is. He doesn't want to be with me. Bottom line. Why do I keep trying when it's so obvious? He says thank you when I say I love you. He says he loves me in his own time and his own way. I just don't believe him anymore.

I don't even know where to begin. I am sad. Things were going so well. I thought we were really making progress. How did this happen? I'm beginning to think everything I felt was in my head. Maybe I imagined a connection. Maybe I imagined that we were falling in love.

But still...here we are again. I want more and he can't give it to me. It sucks really. To be so good for each other and still unable to make it work? It's a cruel reality. Love. I am so in love with him that part of me never wants to let him go. But I'm too smart to fall in head over heels. It's never going to work. He has told me over and over again that he isn't interested in having a relationship. But I'm ready now. I'm finally ready for my future. I want to have my job and have an awesome relationship. More than just sex, and more then just friends. I know I deserve that.


I want him just to be honest with me. He doesn't like enough to commit 100%, but he likes me enough to not want to lose me. When is it enough? I said to a friend the other day that I just wanted to be alone. But I'm not sure that it what I really want. I want him. The hopeless romantic in me hiding behind the realist in me wants to believe that he will decide eventually that he wants to be with me. But if we've been "friends" for collectively almost 9 months, not counting the couple months we split up last time because of the "friendly" misunderstanding, and he hasn't decided he wants to be with me yet, he probably is never going to.

Love

How do we know when we are in love? I have been single for going on five years now. I haven't had to worry about anyone else but myself. I could do whatever I want, whenever I want, sleep with anyone I want. Now that things have been changing with Buzz I have been thinking about it for awhile. I used to love listening to sappy, sad, loved then lost songs. Or angry women hating men songs. My entire Ipod consists of this type of music I've learned since now that I'm in love I don't want to listen to them anymore. I keep hitting skip hoping to find something I want to listen to but it's much more difficult to find songs about people who are happily in relationships. I don't know if this is a relationship but it feels like we are heading in that direction and I have to admit it scares the hell out of me. I only recently have accepted the fact that I'm in love with him. Do you tell men you aren't in a relationship with that you love them? And should you be in love with a man with whom you aren't even sure you are in a relationship with? I went on for weeks, I felt the words were on the tip of my tongue. Every time I was talking to him I wanted to tell him. But he seems to scare easily and I'm not trying to freak the hell out of him. He wants to know though. I think he needs the reassurance. I want to talk to him all the time and be with him all the time. I wake up thinking about him and I fall asleep thinking about him and sometimes I find him in my dreams. I'm scared too though. My sister asked me last night what is different this time. I'm not sure. It just feels different. We are both different and the situation is different. Somehow after everything that happened, we found our way back to each other and it's really good. It's hard though too to really accept it. I have been on my own for so long and now I have to think about him and sacrifice my "me" time for him. But I love to do it. He is part of what makes me me now. It's a scary thought though. Like I told him the other day, I don't just throw love around. Now that he knows he can hurt me. He hurt me before and I wasn't as invested as I am now. I'm in love now. So what happens if and when it doesn't work out? How do we know when we fall out of love? The realist in me wants to accept that most of the time it doesn't work out. The hopeless romantic in me wants to just shout it from the rooftops. I love him. Well shit, who knew this would happen.

Emotions

At the Beaver game I said, I don't really even know these girls. Joking with Scott. He said, "I hear you're the ringleader."
"Yeah, I guess that's right." I said with a nod. "That's why I stay sober all the time now so I can control all my bitches."
I told Jocelyn later over Facebook IM that I like Scott.
I just friended Scott. I think now that you are in a relationship and it's official we should probably be Facebook friends. I told her.
Oh good. She typed.
I heart Scott. Wait, don't tell him I said that. In fact don't let any of this leave this conversation. It destroys my bitchy don't care image. I can't have that happening.
Joce told him anyway. She doesn't really like a lot of people, she said. Feel special.

And yet he still fucked it up. That's what I get for putting my emotions out there for all to see. I gave him one chance to make her happy. To take care of her as well or better than I can. I should have known that as a man he would mess her up. Sure she's a lot to handle. We both are. But as Carrie Bradshaw put it, "Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed, they are meant to be free until they find someone just as wild to run with."

Jocelyn and I were meant to run together. I got her a card once in college that had a picture of a puppy and a kitten on the front. Inside it said, "You're catty, I'm a bitch. That's why we are such good friends." We have been together ever since.

Just Friends

I talk a lot about boy/girl friendships and for good reason. I have been thinking about it a lot especially lately. I turned to one of these so called friends for help and it seems so easy for him to just ignore me. I would usually think its that woman. She tells the man who he can hang out with, when, & how long. But what kind of man lives like this. I think this is why we see so much divorce at middle age. Either the man has finally decided to be a man or the woman finally decides she has been putting up with his bullshit for too long. I never want to be this way. I never want to feel trapped. To feel so untrusting and insecure that I have to keep tabs on him all the time. Relationships scare me. I know there will be compromise but at what point do you lose who you are and who you want to be in what someone else is and what they want you to be. I have lost so many guy "friends" this past year because all of a sudden they are attached and can't be around me anymore. I don't blame them. Sometimes I feel like if they were my man I wouldn't want them around me either.

He's Just Not That Into .... Me

How do you know when enough is enough? My head says enough, my heart says keep trying. I don't trust him, I am angry still. I keep giving him chances to prove me wrong and he still hasn't. Why do I allow him to treat me this way? All he does is hurt me. Just when I think things are going good, he does a 180 and I'm alone again. I'm not even surprised is the sucky thing. I knew this would happen. It's funny though... As much as I want to move on, the desire to stay is just as strong. Why does the heart put up with so much? I want him and I hate him all at the same time. I'm so mad and I'm numb at the same time. I honestly don't want to lose him. But is loving him worth all the pain. How can I be so crazy about him, when he is so indifferent to me? Greg Behrendt says he's just not that into me. I was reading the other day and I literally threw my book across the room because I was so angry that he was so right. He's just not that into me.

Bad Boys

There is the reason he's the bad boy. He looks the part, he plays the part. And just like every other bad boy out there, every girl wants him and every guy hates him. He doesn't have to play nice. That's what they say, nice guys finish last. Why as women do we always go for the bad boy? It never turns out in our favor. It's fun and exciting and we love the rush of it. Bad boys are usually really good in bed. It's hard to open your eyes and realize that they really aren't all they are cracked up to be. Good in bed, bad in life.

Tis the Season

It's that time of year again!! Wedding season is getting ready to bloom and I must say I am happy to be working with my brides again. My main wedding show is just around the corner and I couldn't be more excited. I have big ideas about what I'm going to do to spice things up. It's a completely new design. We are officially moving into 2010. Plus my designs for the All Star booth couldn't be hotter. Some of my best work if I may say so myself. I'm even impressed with some of the designs I can come up with when working in the showroom. There is one table that is throwing me for a loop. David's and my ideas are very different sometimes, but I usually win. I recently decided I want a winter wedding and once I decided to make this table something like I would want, I can't come up with the design. It will come to me.