I'm over it

I’m ready to snap out of it. Jessy said that to me on Friday night. And she is 100% right. I’m so tired of being sad. I’m tired of being anxious all the time. It’s over. I prayed tonight and I asked for guidance and I think that I am supposed to just let it go. Give it to God. Christmas is next week and I have so much to be thankful for this week. I’m going to take the week off. No drama. I’m just going to sit at home with Mya-bear, baking and getting ready for the holiday. Kristi will be home in a few days. All of the girls are getting together on Friday. It is going to be a wonderful week.

Little Miss Obsessive

Am I the reason why you tossed and turned last night?
Everything's such a blur, it didn't come out right.
All of the sudden it's cold and we're falling apart.
No this can't be, please don't leave me alone in the dark.

And I guess we're really over, so come over, I'm not over it.
Late night you make me feel like I'm desperate, I'm not desperate.
A little bit possessive, little miss obsessive, can't get over it.

I've never been a fan of long good-byes.
I'm at the finish line and you're just way too far behind.
In the morning I got in a fight with myself, I got the bruises to prove it.
Then I swallowed your words and spit them right back out.

And I guess we're really over, so come over, I'm not over it.
Late night you make me feel like I'm desperate, Aim not desperate.
Oh, a little bit possessive, little miss obsessive, can't get over it.

It's like a fairy tale without a happy ending
But then again maybe we are just pretending.
Why does it have to be so unfair?
Tell me that you care.

And I guess we're really over, but come over, I'm not over it.

I can’t even describe how it feels. My whole body is fatigued with sadness. My chest hurts like I can literally feel my heart breaking. And I honestly believe that this is what I deserve. Well not what I deserve but my behavior earned this heartache. My mind is constantly racing and I have tried everything to make it stop. Crazy working all the time. Writing. Cleaning. Laying in the shower. I don’t remember when my house stopped feeling like home. I hate every minute that I am here. And I feel bad. I have everything I need so I should be content. My head hurts and I can’t find comfort in sleep. So I just stay awake. And pray that this feeling goes away soon.

Humpty Dumpty

I’m so tired of part-time boyfriends. Seems like I still deal with all the bullshit and yet I’m always alone. I don’t need to be maintained by a text or a call once a week, I have a life. Everyday I spend time taking care of guests, dealing with personnel issues, client complaints, walk in appointments, reviewing the staffs work, correcting the staffs work, doing my own work. I’m so sick of the drama and the issues everyday. News flash guys, I’m wonderful. I have a job, a place of my own, a car, and my shit together, I am a catch. I have zero trouble finding someone to take your place. So maybe it’s time to shake up the egg carton, see who I can get rid of, and who I might want to devote more time to. I don’t have time to maintain 2-3 boyfriends. I just need one good one.

The Scorpion and The Frog

As we all know by now, I am one of the most forgiving people on earth. I believe in the good in people that we are all broken and in need of grace. That said, I have spent the past year and a half learning about setting boundaries. I don’t have to allow people to hurt me. So what happens when it’s unintentional? There is a fable about a scorpion that asks a frog to carry him across the river. The frog is afraid he will be stung. The scorpion explains that if he stings the frog they will both drown. The frog agrees to carry him and halfway across the river the scorpion stings him, dooming them both. The frog asks why he would sting him and the scorpion says because it’s in his nature. The point of this fable and my point right now is that some creatures will do what is in their nature regardless of how they are treated and what the consequences may be. I repeatedly talk about never giving boys that fuck up another chance. Yet, I am always the one to offer a second chance. Or a third. And usually it ends badly. My heart is torn about what boundaries to set. God offers me endless chances. I know that I don’t trust him. I don’t believe him when he says he’s leaving anymore. I saw how easy it was for him to cast me aside. I believe that trust is earned. He broke mine and until he earns it back I don’t have to believe him. But how does a relationship work if there is no trust. I don’t know anymore, all I do is confuse myself. I guess I need to pray about it.

I gotta go

I keep telling myself that I deserve better. I know I want more. I’m a very black and white person and I don’t do well with gray area. I thought for two years that Buzz wouldn’t commit to me, but I think more and more I am the problem. I need a definition, we are together or we aren’t. It’s the same problem I have with Garrett, he expects me to be his girlfriend without making any commitment to me. He and Buzz are masters of relationship limbo. They don’t expect or want me to see anyone else, but if you don’t tell me not to I don’t understand why I can’t. Dr. Phil says you can only expect to love 80% about your partner and I think maybe it’s okay that I need two or three men around. The problem is though that I have been single so long now, dealing with failed relationship after failed relationship makes me more guarded and hesitant to commit to anyone. I think that I keep one foot out the door all the time, just in case I feel the need to bail. I run, that’s how I handle things. JO called me Saturday night. She has been my best friend since we were 19. She knows me better than most. She brought up something I didn’t want to talk about and my answer for anything that makes me uncomfortable has since college and likely will always be, “Well, I gotta go.” She knows this. It works in every situation. I never explain or offer any excuse. This used to be how I left my one night stands in college and was a running joke amongst my sorority sisters. It’s the same in my relationships. As soon as it’s hard, I gotta go. Self-preservation. I always know what I think, how I feel, what I need, what I’m doing, it’s easier than trying to figure out someone else’s stuff too.

What a weekend. The house is a disaster and I love it. I am an eventcoordinator. I love to host parties. “You are always working,” G said to me in response to me as I said, “Let me take the trash out since we have guests coming.” “Guests, Jessica? They aren’t our friends anymore?” He asked. I guess I just want everyone to have a good time and everything to be perfect. Well planned. The house cleaned. The mess makes me feel good because I know the house is lived in. We have friends that love us,that spent all weekend with us and never stopped having fun. I had fun. I feel awful because sometimes I wish G was someone else. It’s ridiculous since this was all I wanted for so long was him to want to be with me. Then last night I snapped at him, “Don’t touch me.” “Get away from me.” “I’m annoyed with you.” “I’m ignoring you.” He’s a good man. He’s reliable. He’s honest. I trust him when he says something. He spent all weekend with me, without complaint. Bragged about me to Kalah that I am the perfect woman because I loaded all the guys in the car Sunday morning hangovers and all at 10am then reached into my purse and distributed beers to each of them. That’s my best quality. I’m an event coordinator, I’m always prepared. Mike said as he cracked his beer, “I knew there was a reason I was following you around last night, mama is always prepared.” Even the little guy said to me the other day, “I want snacks from your purse.” At 3 he’s figured it out. I know how to keep the boys happy from age 3 to age 30 and older. G and I lay on the couch Friday night watching Sons of Anarchy. He fell asleep on me about 10:30 and I propped pillows up under him so I could move. Funny how things work out, I was glad he was there. I enjoy his company and it was better than sitting alone. But I guess the heart wants what it wants. G stayed the night with me Friday and asked me why the boy next door came out every time he was smoking and played his gangsta rap for all to hear. “What’s his problem?” G asked me. I told him I had no idea. But it’s hard to avoid when he’s wandering around in front of my windows and when I take the trash out run into him and flirt for twenty minutes. It feels like an awful punishment that he’s so close and I still can’t be with him. I think about him all day everyday. It feels cruel that he still wants to be with me and says he didn’t want things to work out this way. But they did work out this way and I’m not sure that couple we were for that short time will ever be us again. I don’t trust him. I know now that he will never choose me and that we will never have the chance to really be together. So why invest my heart? Well I guess he still has it, I never really got it back. I don’t like the woman that I am in this situation either. I wouldn’t expect any man that said he loves me to want this for me either. I've lost 15 pounds, my voice, my dignity,$600.00, and my heart, when is enough enough. I curled up in the shower and cried last night after everyone left because even though it was a wonderful day the pressure on my heart feels too great to bare. I miss him too much. Even with everything that happened, how mad I am, how hurt I am, how disgusted I am, I love him.

And he said to her, "Daughter, your faith has made you well. Go in peace. You have been healed." Mark 5:34

So I lost my voice. Lately with all my illnesses medical bills keep piling in and I can't keep up. So I work harder. Get sicker. I work in sales and having a Mariah Carey deep husky voice could work in my favor. Unless it goes completely tomorrow. Everyone thinks it's so hysterical, it's so quiet they say. Maybe no voice is God telling me to be quiet and just listen for awhile. I have been asking for guidance, trying to figure out what's next. Where do I go from here? I don't trust anyone but Jesus and my Dad. Both lifesavers. I don't even trust my own judgement anymore, I cannot tell the good ones from the bad. I love people and it's one of my biggest downfalls. I am gulible. I believe that people are good. But when I spent 10 minutes right when I walked in the office on the phone with a lady who bitched me out because her laptop got stolen from a banquet room when she left it sitting on the table with the door wide open. Now she's just vicious. This is going to be another ugly situation. Like the lady in August. Although crazy today was only a 4 or so on the crazy scale and crazy in August was like a 14. I love my job though. I really enjoy it. I have worked hard to be here. I headed home from work tonight early, 5pm, pretty early for me. I thought I would run out of gas stuck in ridiculous traffic, then drove to the farthest gas station where I thought gas would be cheaper and really it wasn't. I whispered Fill please to the gas attendant who looked at me like I was a freak. Stopped to get mail on the way in like I do everyday. Two pieces of mail: comcast and my landlord. Great, I thought. More bills I can't pay. Cleaned up outside til the slider next door opened and he stepped out. I didn't look up from hosing the patio, just turned the water off and walked back in the house without looking his direction. I washed dishes while I waited for Shawna and my nerves to calm. We walked out to go to Burgerville in my car. The keyless entry lights flash right in my neighbors window like an alert system letting him know when I leave and return. He opened the door and came out, wifeys not home, notices Shawna and pretends to look for something in the car. I speed off. I told him once I hated being in limbo, relationship limbo like I did with Buzz for so long. I never want to do that again. I still can't shake that fool. He text tonight "I Fn miss your ass ;)" Neat. Thanks. Shawna and I gab all night and I'm glad to have her company. Lately I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I'm so anxious to be there and I hate it because I shouldn't have to leave cause the boy next door is a f*cktard. Shawna left and I sat on the couch to open the mail. Might as well see what the damage is. It's not a bill from the landlord, but a notice that I never signed a lease (I did, but their mistake will set me free) and my lease has defaulted to month to month, I can now give 30 days and get out of this living hell hole trapping me in the past. The answer to my prayers. I was blown away. I have been praying for guidance, the only thing keeping me here was that lease. God provides. God is faithful.

Revenge is....

I have never been interested in revenge. I will not lie, I frequently think about it. All the damage I could cause, all the havoc I could wreak. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Jen and I were in conversation about my latest heartbreak last week. I told her I was fine. Sad yes. Heartsick yes. But I would be fine, there is nothing I can’t handle I told her. She said she knows that I am strong and would be okay. I told her God is strong. Me, I’m nutty. I whole heartedly believe that. The darkness in my head is way too powerful for me to ignore. But the Lord keeps me strong. He keeps me sane. Jennifer said I have grown up so much. I think I just rely on God more. I pray to Him for strength not to act on my crazy thoughts. I pray that He will hold my heart so that I can make it through another day. I ask for forgiveness for my participation in adultery. I ask for guidance so I can figure out this mess I ended up in and how to find my way out. I am not perfect, I never have been, never will be, and never claimed to be. But I will not participate in revenge. The bible says “I will take vengeance; I will repay those who deserve it. In due time their feet will slip. Their day of disaster will arrive, and their destiny will overtake them.” Deuteronomy 32:35. It is not up to me to judge, to repay, to seek revenge. I may not always do the right thing or say the right thing, but I believe that the Lord is just. So I pray for everyone my life and I believe that He will do what is right. It is so far beyond me to even know what that is anymore.

My Scarlet Letter

It’s amazing how fast things can go from bad to worse. I knew it was a bad situation. From the very beginning I knew. I had a bad feeling. I was hesitant. Guarded. He pursued me. From day one, the flirting, texting, sexting, and eventually actually hanging out. It was all his idea. I’m not innocent though. I knew his situation. I participated. I liked him. Fell in love with him. Things change in an instant. He was sad and I was happy. Finally we could be together. All the time, anytime I wanted. But it was still complicated. We were still hiding. I saw the writing on the wall, heard the conversations on the phone with her, and my intuition was telling me it would all end badly. But I have prayed for so long for a man who loved me and said so. I prayed for a man who told me that I was beautiful. I prayed for him. So even though our situation was less than ideal, I knew that this feeling I was experiencing was love. I have only felt that twice before. That feeling that I can’t wait to see him, talk to him, I can’t focus, I could spend every waking moment with him. I was head over heels. Even with all the dysfunction. I loved him. He said it first to me, that he loved me. I said I loved him too and I meant it. So what now? I am resigned to the fact that maybe it was all a lie. Maybe he never meant any of it. He said he never wanted to be without me. He said he wanted me to be able to count on him. I feel so foolish for believing him. I allowed him to use me. I allowed him to waste my money, my time, and my love. He went back to her without even a text message to let me know. It’s been a week today since he left me. I want to say I was surprised but I think the only thing that actually surprised me was how bad it hurt. How bad it still hurts. It gets easier every day to be without him. God is faithful and I know that every day will be better than the last. The hardest part is fighting the thoughts that it is me that’s inadequate. That maybe I wasn’t enough to make him stay. I feel so stupid that I should have known better, but I’m sure that all of this is part of Gods plan. It’s not up to me to know why or what happens now. But I have faith in Him. And I know even though man can fail, God does not.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

Patience is a Virtue

He said he loved me. Said it wouldn’t be like this forever, the situation we found ourselves in was temporary. He talked about the future. Our future, together. I don’t know whether or not to believe it was all lies. I can’t even breathe. My chest hurts and I think I can literally feel my heart breaking. Three days have past since I wrote these first few sentences and I still can’t breathe. My chest still hurts. My mind still reels. I do feel better today then yesterday so I have hope that tomorrow will be even better. This broken heart unlike anything I have ever felt. It would have been such a great love story, somehow, in another life it all worked out. I trust that everything is filtered through Gods hands so I know that the love I fell in was real but He has something even better. I will wait patiently.

To erase or not to erase?

I spent every night at home last week. Monday thru Friday. It is true. Time makes things better. I don't believe that time heals wounds. God heals wounds. But everyday it gets easier to be without him. I'm sure that's God's work too now that I think of it. He heals broken hearts. Everyday I find it easier to not call or text him. I find myself not wondering if I will hear from him. But I still can't bring myself to watch Sons of Anarchy without him. So I guess that means part of me is still holding on. There are 9 episodes to watch. That's a lot of restraint. Maybe this weekend? Probably not though. I keep having to erase other shows but I can't erase it. And I can't watch it.

Love stinks. Even when it's going right we want more. I don't remember the exact moment I realized I loved G. He surprised me this time around with his patience and forgiveness. He handles me well. I know nothing about him. He doesn't talk about work or family. He doesn't talk about his ex or his past. We make conversation sometimes. I don't know how you fall in love or why. I just remember driving home from his house one morning smiling and thinking of him. Thinking I loved him. Who knew? He's a good man though. He learns well. Amber told me once that you have to teach people how to love you. I have been trying to communicate with him. This is what I need. He can pick up on some things but ultimately boys are not that perceptive. Then there's Harry, he's trying so hard and I feel terrible that it's too much for me. Realizing how deep I had fallen in with G, I now feel unprepared and way too vulnerable to the dating scene. I just wish he would chill, he's on the fast track for a relationship and we don't even know each other. And then there is Boston. Grumpy and jealous when my gay boyfriend, Andrew, tells him a story about being at Gs house. Boston then proceeded to tell me about a date he took to Buffalo Wild Wings. I wasn't listening I was trying not to giggle like a school girl and throw myself at him to make out in front of 150 red hatters. Maybe I was never ready in the first place to try things again with G. He was right, I probably was/am still hung up on Boston. G replaced him as the back up plan and Boston became the one that got away. Until I fell in love with G. Yeah, I'm still hung up on what Boston did to me. It sucked. It made me feel foolish and insecure. Vulnerable. Embarrassed. I tried 100 ways and 100 times to say sorry and beg for another chance. He said nothing. I showed up drunk one time at his house. I was made that he was talking about me with the other boys at work. Which then put me in a situation to be forcably made out with by one of our coworkers. Yeah. Awkward. I planned it going way different in my mind but my words come out wrong when he's looking to intently at me. He said nothing. Didn't even defend himself or deny the charges. So while it makes me happy that he showed jealousy on Saturday I have to continuely remind myself that he does this every time. He thinks he likes me, gets to close, and runs off scared. Tried and true every time. I absolutely do not trust him to not hurt me again so G is a better choice, even with his inability to commit. Ultimately I'm still at home alone thinking about the same things. Love stinks.

Life is a highway, I want to ride it all night long

Man, my life is messed up. I sometimes wonder if shit like this happens to other people. Today, woke up around 9 for a doctors appointment at 10:30. Showed up at 10:30am. Waited til 11:05 then told the receptionist I needed to leave for work at 11:15. She told me I should allow for an hour at the doctor, I said I don't understand why I need to allow for an hour if I made an appointment at 10:30? The nurse called me back to check my blood pressure and it was high. Of course it's high, I'm pissed off for waiting 40 minutes and I'm going to be late for work. I arrive on property right on time at 11:30. We have a big event tomorrow with a guest that I don't even know how to describe. She is a bitch. In a good way. I like her, she tells it like it is, but how it is isn't the 50s anymore. It's 2011, a $1000 event and 10 room nights is not big business. I don't even spend as much time with my huge groups that fill the hotel and take all the meeting space. The Moose are way less of a pain in my ass. Then bitchy office politics. FML. I can't stand power trips, everyone I work with is usually on a powertrip. Except my precious Xtina. I have enough to deal with on a daily basis then stroking egos and following rules. If its not hurting the company and/or seriously distrupting anyone's work environment, who f*cking cares. I follow rules don't get me wrong. I just don't appreciate being controlled. What purpose does it serve to break people down? So I got over it. Finish the day avoiding eye contact with Boston in an always awkward work exchange. I'm afraid to look in his eyes for fear of fainting, catching more feelings, showing vulnerablity, all of the above. I run home to change and then head back unpaid to visit with my clients and save face. I'm uncomfortable and out of my element. I run up to my office and flirt with the cute boy at the front desk. Head back to the ballroom and try on hats with our restaurant assistant manager. I'm leaving after an hour and a half of shmoozing and run into Holly in the parking lot. Kennedy school? Why not? I'm mad that Holly invites another friend cause I hate being the third wheel. After a shot of Jameson I don't really care. Jessy pops out of the woodwork with a cute guy and we proceed to gush over not seeing each other since July. Random. G is texting me we have plans tomorrow. I head home after being ditched by my companions to find my way back to the car that's parked three miles away. New text. Harry. Hey babe, up for a chat? No, I'm not up for a chat. Tired, grumpy, half drunk. I want to watch Nikita and lay on the couch. New text. My neighbor. Me and the fam would love to have you over. My daughter loves dogs. No joke. I received those messages. In response to a conversation we had a week ago today after he awkwardly told me "we should hang out". I think he may be trying to invite me into some creepy threesome. It's 12:08 and I have to live this life again tomorrow. Better get to bed.

Broke Girls

I'm overwhelmed lately. By work. By guys. By family. By bills. Life seems to get more stressful everyday. I realized this watching 2 Broke Girls tonight. That's my life. I don't wait tables but it's the same type of abuse. Customer service. I was busy all day. I woke up late. 45 minutes late to work. Only there 15 minutes and I was with a client for an hour. He talked for an hour. About cars. Talk about my worst nightmare. I wasn't even sure why he stopped by. About 35 minutes in I asked him if he wanted to sign a contract. He was like sure. I think maybe he stopped by just for shits and giggles. It then took me another 20 minutes to get rid of him. I started to answer emails but I had a stack of issues to deal with first thing. How obnoxious. Billing mistakes, client complaints. People complain about everything. I got up to go pee and ran into a client in the lobby who wanted another hour or so of my time. Realistically his party does not fit in the space and I have no idea why he wants to book with me so bad. Then another super long conversation in the lobby about the army versus the airforce. I did the same tour and bull shit with him on Friday last week. This was just the extended version and he wants to come again this week. I really want to book the event. I like him. I don't actually mind bsing with him. I get back to the office and it's 1:30. I haven't even started my report and I'm starving so I eat some crackers at my desk. I took a short break for a diet coke and to heat my mac and cheese then chained myself back to the desk til 7. I work my ass off, deal with other people's time frames, attitude problems, issues, and somehow I still ended up sitting in front of my online banking trying to allocate my last few dollars to bills and realizing I don't have enough to pay them all. So then I have to prioritize which ones to pay and that's power I don't like to have. I have no idea what to do. 2 Broke Girls tonight they were avoiding their bills and not answering the phone. It's funny cause it's true. All of us broke bitches are glued to our Comcast til they shut it off, laughing because we spent too much in Vegas, paid too much for shoes, hit Ross one too many times this pay period to pay all the bills this month. And honestly what's a girl to do? It's tough enough just being a girl in the world. It's worse to be a broke girl in the world.

Commitment Phobia

I have said this before and I will say it proudly again. Boys are dumb. Yes, boys. From this moment on I only date men. Men own alarm clocks. Men work normal hours. Men sleep on a mattress that's not on the floor. Men ask for dates. Men call to make sure you got home okay. Men open the door for you. Men pull out the chair for you. Men live alone in homes with framed photos hung on the walls and matching furniture. Men know what they want. Men aren't afraid of commitment. I read an article just recently explaining this perfectly. I'm not just talking about a commitment to a romantic relationship. I'm talking about a commitment to things, like houses, jobs, reservations. When men hear women want a commitment, they think it means a commitment to a romantic relationship and it's not that at all. It's a commitment to life, to not floating around, wasting time, playing house. I want a man who has a life. Someone who does normal life things, like cook dinner, watch How I Met Your Mother or CSI, go to bed before 2 am and get up for work prior to noon. A man calls to ask for a date Saturday night, says he can't wait to see me and schedules a date for Tuesday night. I'm sick and tired of boys who can't commit to a phone call, let alone commit to scheduling me ahead of time. I went on a date last night with a man. A man who walked me to my car, paid for my drink, held the door, called to make sure I got home safely, then called today to say he had a wonderful time and confirm our date Tuesday. I'm a little afraid to be honest, I haven't really ever dated a man. But I know that I'm on the right track.

Clean Slate

I can't sleep tonight or last night. Boys are dumb. The phone is taunting me everytime it doesn't vibrate with a new text message. FYI, I keep my phone on silent all the time. I have gotten to the point where I don't even want to talk after work. People are exhausting. Asking questions, wanting to chit chat, calling two/three times a day or emailing four/five. That and only creditors ever call anyway. Work or creditors. Story of my life. I get annoyed by people stopping in without an appointment, or coming in an hour late to meet me, or calling 5 minutes before arriving on property to ask if I can have lunch in 5 minutes making it 11:30am. I wouldn't mind lunch with a guest normally but this lady has been in my restaurant asking to lunch with me at least once if not twice a week. Everyone wants a piece of my time. Our General Manager today called me to say hi from his office to my office. No joke. Then popped in when I had the door open and scared the hell out of me and still had no purpose in my office. Then dealing with the boy drama while trying to put out fires, do reports, meet clients, make money, write proposals, attend meetings, do projects for my boss, makes life unbearable. Checking my phone, feeling sorry for myself, questioning my decision, his affection. I told Xtina today I didn't want to talk about it and I meant it. I literally want to never speak of it again. I am so tired of the same old same old. Same guys causing the same problems. All of them have had more than enough of my precious time. I got dudes texting all day and night I don't even respond sometimes, trying not to encourage it. I'm so fed up with the same bs behaviors. I got a text that said I want you lots. For real. Can I please run right over? Pretty please. Give me a break. Figure it out boys. Show me you are different and you mean what you say cause all that talk will not work anymore. Girlfriend is tired and in desperate need of a clean slate.

Balancing Act

Some of the people I have to deal with in my job are crazy. I’ve come to the conclusion that most people are in fact nutty. Right now I have an old lady calling me weekly to complain about an event. Lady, get over it. The staff kicked you out at 10pm three weeks ago and I have apologized a gazillion times. What do you want from me?! I honestly just believe that some people have so much time on their hands that they have to create something for themselves to do. Maybe it gives there life meaning. Who knows. But really, I wish I had time to sit around calling people to talk about what they think they heard, then writing up bitchy emails to send to the little sales girl at no-name hotels USA. Give me a break. I can’t even remember all of the individual complaints I take. People are greedy and picky and mean. I understand to a point when you are paying for a product you expect it to be worth it. But yelling at me only pisses me off and when I’m usually the only one that can help the situation you definitely want me on your side. Last month it was a crazy skeleton thin blonde with insane ideas about business and the IQ of a rock screaming at me that I’m a terrible person. All because she inhaled too much glitter putting her makeup on in the morning and couldn’t understand a contract. Honestly one of the oddest people I have ever met, I recall April when she came in with three children triplets that she had through invitro. Yes she really told me that. The children had long hair and were dressed in Princess Jasmine looking outfits. I kept saying how beautiful they were and they made such good princesses. After crazy and her kids left my boss proceeded to tell me that all her kids were boys. Neat Jessica. Honest mistake. This woman is probably mid fifties, doesn’t wear a bra, and was fired from the company 10 years ago for drinking on the job. After the disaster that was her event which consisted of her screaming and pointing in my face, yelling at the staff, and calling me trash, she decided to call exactly one month later to threaten me and tell me that I should be ashamed of myself. This is all inside a month and only two of the crazy client stories I have. There was the client that brought me brownie bites on my birthday. Or the Tech Wizards that sent flowers. Or the WWII Veteran that grabbed my butt while I was serving at a banquet last week. And my friends and family wonder why I screen my phone calls and they never see me. Hotel life and catering drama my friends.

Skeletons in the Closet

It sucks to realize that through all of the BS over the past year + that I still would jump at the chance just to be with him. I would take back the mistakes of the past and choose him first. The wedding would never be "our first date". I wouldn't drink so much. I wouldn't talk so much. I don't understand what happened that made things turn out so terribly wrong. But, even if it hurts I can't change the past. I have tried and failed. So now I just allow those past mistakes to be in the past because my God believes in forgiveness. I never promised any of those silly boys that I was anything less than the crazy beautiful woman that I am. That is usually what draws them in. But underneath it all I'm complicated and it takes someone special to be able to tame me. And unfortunately for me he married another women this summer. I thought that Boston was one of the good men. I was distracted by his charming good looks and his accent. I still find myself unable to look him in the eyes. I'm not sure what I'm afraid he may see as he has taken the time to get to know me very well nothing inside there should be much of a surprise. I miss him but he makes me crazy. Not a good combination. I used to wear hats in college and in the years after when I was ashamed of something I had done. I thought the could hide my face and keep people from getting a good look in my eyes. I'm not sure even a kentucky derby size hat would even allow me to hide from all of the skeletons in that closet with Boston. Sucks to realize that he is really the only one I ever wanted all these other boys just pass the time. And timing my friends... is everything.

Brain Ninja

I had a conversation with Amber on Sunday and she said she can’t tell anymore which guys are bad and which ones are good. It’s all so confusing. Dating is hard. I have no idea what I am doing most days. I can’t tell the bad dudes from the good anymore and lately I doubt if there are good ones hanging around somewhere to find. I feel bored with everyday relationship interactions. I want something more. I want the excitement. The fun, can’t wait to see you, smile when I get a text, giggle when you flirt with me, school girl crush infatuation. Does it go away now that we are adults? I still don’t feel like I am an adult sometimes. I always thought my parents had it so together, but now I’m beginning to think we are all just trying to figure life out. It seems the more life I live the more skeptical I become. I’m afraid sometimes that being a realist is starting to make me cynical. And bitter? No, I don’t think bitter. I enjoy being single. I don’t hate men, I enjoy their company when I want to. I guess it is just hard when all of the battle wounds start to scar your heart like armor and you don’t really feel anymore. And I have more feelings then most. I am happy to say that I feel emotion with an amazing, passionate, intensity. But lately it’s just gone. I enjoy hanging out with G. I like to think sometimes about a future. I guess I am afraid after being let down so many times. Boston did a number on my heart and my head. As my friend, Dane Cook, would say, he is like a brain ninja. He plants bombs in my mind that go off and make me nutty. I really liked him. And he really hurt me. I have tried so many times and so many ways to reach him, but every effort failed. I honestly believed with my whole heart that he was one of the good ones. One of the ones that would never ever heart me, intentionally or not. But he had, repeatedly. I don’t want to think ahead about a future or feel giddy about the now. I feel so afraid it will all be taken away from me again without warning. Leaving me to wonder one year, five month, or seven hours later what I did wrong to him. I have tried everything to apologize for who I was then, who I am now, my behaviors, thoughts, actions, relations. I tried to take responsibility for myself and what I have done to participate in this. I guess enough is just enough.

Just in case you think this is bogus, check out the definition.

brain ninja

A person with the ability to insert thoughts or ideas into another's head that does not cause immediate, but rather long term lingering mental anguish, usually having comedic value.

Relationship?

I feel like the more I try to do what’s right the more I just fuck everything up. I’m exhausted with life. I am literally drained physically and emotionally. I feel so confused with because I know what I want and need, I just don’t know how to communicate it. I guess that’s why I’m human. I just don’t know what to do with myself. I feel like I want to just lock myself in a room and never come out so that I don’t have to speak ever to another person. Like I should stay single and alone so then I wouldn’t mess anyone else up with my issues. I keep thinking this is this is the healthiest I have been since college. Minus the constant sinus pain, that's just a life consequence. But I am thinking maybe I have a ways to go before I am healthy enough to try a relationship.

Zoo

Life is a zoo lately. I struggle lately to find faith. I pray to the Lord and I know He hears me and will answer in His perfect timing. I know there is a bigger picture that I can't see, but sometimes the daily grind can be monotonous. It's overwhelmingly dull. I have a good life. So why the funk? I'm not sure just yet. More to come...

Facebook

Oh facebook. It's obnoxious almost how everything has gone to facebook. I find out who's pregnant, who's getting married, divoriced, engaged. And not just that but you can see it all too, via pictures, video, blogging. Kids and pregnancy tests. Wedding and honeymoon. Why the obsession? It starts to overwhelm me to look at it all. To be so involved in other peoples lives. I can barely keep track of myself, let alone you and your five kids, three step-kids, and a toy poodle. It's amazing what goes on facebook these days. I'm not going to lie to you, it's not my thing, so I will tell you what. I check facebook on my phone when I get a notice, or I'm bored at lunch. But I don't actually go online but maybe once a week or less. I just don't. I know you are thinking get to the point, so I will, finally, on the occassional night that I do log on, I still think it's fantastic. Fucking fantastic. I have succumb myself to posting cute pictures of the puppy and funny inside jokes. I like the occassional chit chat with an old friend. I chuckle at silly photos of children and animals. It's an obsession. I have to make a conscious effort to stop, like all of the other addictions I give in to. Fucking facebook. Keeping up with the Jones' they call that. Or did I make that up? I think I'd better sign off and just try to keep up with Jessica.

My mama told me when i was young, we're all superstars

Lord how I wish you would save me from myself sometimes. I am a crazy person. Nutty down to the core Lord and I'm sure you know this because you made me this way. I know that in God's creation we are all perfect and in an image of God. But lately I doubt that God would claim me in His perfect image. Lord, everything is different. Being an adult is hard. I want to go back to college when i could skip class and sleep on the photo processing machine at work because I was hungover. It's hard now to work 9 to 5 and come home and make dinner and go grocery shopping and be sexy and mysterious and calm and perfect all the fucking time. I am so far from perfect these days Lord, right to the curly fucking hair that is a beautiful nest I deal with daily. Lord I do love the new curly hair. It is perfect for me. I prayed tonight that you would take him from my heart, let him go into the world and be free from me. And I prayed you would free me from myself. I know people gasp now when I say I am a greatful believer in Jesus Christ but I do not care in the slightest. He saves me from myself. Accepts me for the crazy imperfect human that I am. He loves me. Without the games. Without the faux feelings. Without the facade. Amber said tonight that I am the most normal tonight that she has seen me in quite awhile. That I'm just Jessica. I'm okay with being Jessica. I was born this way.

Stupid Boys

I haven't felt like writing lately. I know, right. Me with nothing to say. Well, that didn't last long and I'm back. Life has been so busy lately. Weddings, birthdays, family, church, fireworks, Kristi, beach, old friends, tears, new friends, joy. I have been carefree lately. Following a few stressful weeks in a row, I am feeling more like myself these days. Satisfied and in control. Most of the time anyway. I have been dating, quite a bit actually. Spending time with boys that make me happy and don't cause drama. Doing whatever I want, whenever I want. That's the beauty of being single, just spending time doing what I love. I have no accountability
to anyone but God. Then after this past holiday weekend, I realized that these boys I have been hanging out with pass the time, but I don't know if I ever really enjoy it. Like I feel obligated to them to hang out. But lately I dread going more and more as I realize this really isn't what I want. There is a reason that things don't work out so when we revisit them time and time again, it's like we question God. Or is it fate, that we find our way back to some people again and again? All part of His original plan. I can't figure it out, a little guidance please? At least with Boston I actually liked spending time with him. We could carry on a conversation and enjoy each other without sex. Not like this weekend trapped in a car with a man I have literally nothing to say to. Twice, two different men. I couldn't even find words to speak. About anything. And then what, you are trapped at the destination because you didn't drive so while once a thoughtful gesture now a boring evening watching boys light fireworks. Seriously just happened to me. Two nights in a row. And I like fireworks don't get me wrong. So I thought about Boston this weekend and it pissed me off. Why is it the ones we can't get enough of that never come around, and the ones we wish would stop calling never do. Stupid boys...

Living the good life

What to do when life is exhausting? Life seems to be flying by without any since of reason or control and someone like me is bound to have trouble with that. Just living and processing everything that is thrown at me daily is outrageous. I work really hard and I am constantly busy. Everyone wants something from me and needs to talk about something. I do love it. I love my job and I don't hate getting up for work every morning. I grumble a bit, but I am very grateful for my position. I think it is threatening though. A woman who knows what she is doing, what she wants, how to take care of herself. I've come so far this past year and I am truly no longer afraid to be alone. It doesn't cause panic to think about sitting at home on Friday night. In fact, I secretly look forward to it. I love doing my own thing. Planning to be out of town, doing all sorts of fun stuff, living life and just enjoying friends and family. The older I get the more sure I become of what I want and what I'm looking for and I am really not in any rush. I have a good life.

"There's only two types of people in the world
The ones that entertain and the ones that observe
Well baby, I'm a put-on-a-show kind of girl
Don't like the backseat, gotta be first"

I live my life in a circus. At least it feels like that sometimes. Everything in chaos. Time flying by. Elephants and clowns wandering around. Okay, I made that last part up. But there are definitely some freaks around me. I love my life. Everyday. Everyday I thank the Lord for another day with my family, my friends, shelter, food, a job. We have a good life here, Mya and I.

"All eyes on me in the center of the ring just like a circus
When I crack that whip, everybody gon' trip just like a circus"

I feel like everyone's eyes are on me. Watching, waiting for me to make a mistake. As if I'm that important. I have been trying to be perfect for everyone but me.

"There's only two types of guys out there
Ones that can hang with me and ones that are scared
So baby, I hope that you came prepared
I run a tight ship so beware
I'm a like the ringleader, I call the shots
I'm like a firecracker, I make it hot"

I don't know why I have been so worried to be alone again. Not thinking about anyone but me. I went out tonight and it felt good to laugh and talk with friends. Not worry about anything but how I feel, what I want, what I need. This part I'm actually good at. Being single. And living in this circus.

"She's all laid up in bed with a broken heart"

"While he's drinking Jack all alone at the local bar, and we don't know how, how we got into this mad situation, only do things out of frustration, trying to work it out but man these times are hard"

I haven't felt heartache like this in a long time. Probably since Tommy Loewen. Even with Buzz. Probably too messed up back then to feel much of anything. I guess it's better to process the hurt now rather than have it creep up on me later in life. I feel like I can't stop crying. The fax machine jams and it's cause for tears. Needless to say, a little office gossip and I'm blubbering like a whale. How embarassing Jessica. I guess at least most of it is in private. But I feel like my composure is starting to falter. And like I am walking a tight rope between sane and nutty. At least back in college I had the support of my sisters. My little, Jill, to make a bed for me on the porch because I was too devestated to do it myself. Snuggling into bed with my Twin, Rachel, since we pushed our beds together. I was allowed to cry and be angry and shit talk all night until I felt better. I could be hysterical and then run out the front door and into Jocelyn's bed across the street where we would eat mac n cheese and watch TV all night. Now I'm still required to get up and go to work, as my heart sickness does not qualify for a vacation day. So even though I threw up at work after seeing him and felt like I would burst into tears at any given moment, I have to smile and sell ballroom space. I have had a lot of practice and luckily my sales do not miss a beat, instead it's a lovely distraction. I would give anything to go back to the Chi O house where it was socially acceptable to skip class, eat ice cream, and lay in the TV room all day in your pjs, shower at 7pm and be ready for Tailgaters at 9pm for a week straight or at least until I could function like a normal human being again. Instead, I'm all laid up in bed with a broken heart... in the evening, but 9 to 5 I'm living in the real world. And he says don't be so upset. Or he text it rather. Well that's easier said than done when I feel like a less awesome, crybaby version of my former self.

Stilettos

I feel restless. Out of control of the situation and it bothers me. Lack of faith I guess is what that is. I guess sometimes it feels hard to believe in anything and anyone when I just keep getting hurt. Dionne said that if you don't keep your heart open then you will never let anyone in. Or something like that. Ugh. I'm even annoyed with myself. I feel sometimes like noone really understands me and that it's going to take someone really amazing to give me what I need. Everytime I try to be honest people scatter. Like the very thought of being with me is terrifying. Boston said, "I tried to correct this once. But you have a way." An old friend from college said something similar to me a couple weeks ago. But more to the effect of how he would never say no to me, even though he's tying the knot in a few months. So I guess maybe it's me. But this is just me. I'm not trying to impress anyone. I know I have a strong personality and that I have the tendency to intimidate, or so I've heard. I once went to a party as a 5th year senior at OSU and this guy I used to be best friends with until an awful falling out noticed me in 30 seconds or less and left. I have never seen him again.

So to make a long story short and funny. Similar to how nice guys finish last. Bitches in stilettos same thing. I had an image in mind for this of a chick in stilettos crushing men like Pam Anderson in that Lit video "Miserable". But I found instead this image, attached to an article about a woman who stabbed her boyfriend in the eye with her stiletto. Yes, like Machete.

"And the moral of the story is…don’t talk sh*t to broads and drive. These shoenistas are kickin’ cats’ faces off. From now on, we only f*ck with chicks in flip flops. Word. " - http://bossip.com/273226/woman-rams-stiletto-into-boyfriends-brain-73373/

Cry me a River

My heart is broken. That much I know and feel. I fell asleep crying and I woke up crying. I went for sanctuary this morning knowing that with God was where I needed to be and knowing that I could be safe at church all day free to sob rivers of tears without judgement. I have heard that He never wastes a hurt and that He does not want us to be alone. So after spending all day with the Lord, praying and thinking about things, I realize that I am actually handling myself very well. I prayed last night that Jesus would come close and hold my heart. My prayers have been answered and even though I am hurting, the tears have stopped. I believe in His plan and His truth.
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13.

I know that I don't understand and that it is not my place to. I don't understand really what Boston has to be upset about or why he won't talk to me. But I understand that we are all human and he has every right to feel how he wants. So Dionne says to focus on my part. I said I'm not sure what my part was. We decided on two points, first that I voice my feelings here rather than speaking with him directly, second that I allowed the conversation to continue via text even though it wasn't safe for me. I want to call him. Or text him. But I know I cannot force him to talk to me and I'm sure I need more time to think and to process what the hell even happened.

"in times of confusion and chaos and pain
im there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame
im there through your heartache
im there in the storm
my love i will keep you by my power alone
i dont care where you've fallen, where you have been
i'll never forsake you
my love never ends"

I can't stop crying. I was dressed to go to Blitz with the crew but mascara stream down my face and puffy red eyes are not exactly the sexy look I'm going for. I yelled at Julieho a couple years ago and said, "So what you are sad, cry into a pint of ice cream and a bottle of vodka, under no circumstances do you cry in another man's junk." My natural instinct when my pride has been hurt, my heart broken, is to run. Find anything and everything to take the edge off and make the pain stop. I feel so silly for thinking things were different this time. I feel foolish for thinking he felt the same way. I feel used, once again only wanted and needed for sex but I guess at least he had the decency not to have sex with me. I don't know what I would have preferred. My heart hurts and there is a knot in my throat and he won't talk to me. I hate being ignored and I hate stupid fucking boys that text. You see me daily, talk to me. I just feel so ridiculous. My head is pounding and every destructive thought possible is running through my head. I want to wreak havoc. Yell and scream. Find someone anyone to hold my heart for the night. I wish I had calmed down sooner. I just don't believe that he doesn't feel the same way. So why hurt me?

"One tear in the dropping rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart."

Guilt

I'm struggling today with guilt. I feel guilty for not going to church Easter Sunday. I feel guilt that I don't feel like CR tonight or really ever. I feel like it's an obligation more than it's something I want to do. I have tried to pinpoint why I'm feeling this way. But then I feel like I am just making excuses. Like I am not putting church, service and recovery first. I'm not busy. I don't have plans. I'm not hanging out with dude. I am exhausted from working going on 17 days. My head is pounding which reminds me that I'm not getting any better. All of the medicine hasn't worked and I need to schedule surgery but the cost and the time off work makes me anxious. I feel frustrated because I feel like there will never be a day that I wake up and don't feel bad. I can't breathe, my head hurts, I'm fatigued. And I feel guilty for taking time out for me, like other people are judging me cause after work all I want to do is lay on the couch and watch How I Met Your Mother. I know it is just me putting judgement on me. And me feeling guilty because I am afraid to take care of myself. I feel guilty over leaving the dog alone too much of the day and worse when I come home from work let her out and then kennel her again to go to CR. I feel guilty for wanting to take my pain meds and guilty for needing to take them. I don't know anymore if I really don't feel well and I'm in pain or if I have just felt it for so long it feels normal. I guess I only notice when I starts to get so bad it's incapacitating me. I talk all day to other people. I am in the office at 9:00am, meeting others needs, dealing with issues with clients and staff right as I walk in the door, and usually before I walk in the door I am getting messages on my phone. I have to answer emails, sign paperwork, fix billing. We have so much busy work I don't feel like I even get to do my job. Walk ins. 3 pop in appointments today and a meeting with a 50th High School Reunion committee of 18. I met with them for an hour and fifteen. Then my computer froze for at least 30 minutes and then we don't have enough computers for all of our employees so my computer was occupied twice when I came in today. And then I have to spend an hour of my day correcting and reviewing work that wasn't done right. Then I had to spend an hour at my BEO mtg because we were interrupted at least 3-4 times. Then I went back to the office to deal with another issue and spent 40 minutes discussing that to have our GM tell me we will meet tomorrow and Monday to discuss further. So I guess the point of all of this is that I spent all day talking to other people. Listening to other people. Answering questions for other people. So at night, after I get home (late) to Mya. I want to take off my heels and nylons, put on my leggings, make dinner, walk the dog, and curl up on the couch for a few before getting in bed with my Bible. I was thinking maybe I needed to go tonight because clearly I'm having issues. But I guess writing about it did help, because I realize that I'm not going because I don't care about my recovery. I'm not going because I do.

Pace yourself

I'm disappointed. Confused. I don't understand him. I am mad and frustrated that things aren't going according to how I think they should even though I know that He sees the bigger picture. I'm annoyed that things aren't moving faster but at the same time it's probably a good thing things aren't moving faster. I'm not exactly a pillar of self control. "I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out." - Romans 7:18 - Maybe all of his slow pace is really His slow pace, because when presented with the opportunity to do wrong I usually do. Actually that is not true anymore, since meeting Jesus I only do the wrong thing 80% of the time instead of 100%. Sometimes that percentage may be higher or lower but I am a work in progress. So I'm re-learning all of this relationship business. I just wish it was easier. As my friend Katy Perry would say, "You're hot then you're cold, you're yes then you're no."

Friday Night

I'm annoyed with myself. The chaos of my life overwhelms sometimes. I lock the doors and hide in the house with the shades down. Luckily as I've aged my vices have mellowed. These days all I do is clean the house and bake. Go for a walk with Mya. Thank the Lord I made it through everything I've made it through, minimally harmed and in one piece. Although that's debatable. So it's Friday night, I hit happy hour with my sister and had a couple cocktails. Left a couple hours later with a buzz and a desire to karaoke. I had a missed call from Boston. I'm fairly certain it was a pitty call since I gave him shit all day about not returning my call Wednesday night. He blew it off without saying sorry or explaining. It pissed me off. But I was still happy to see he called and I called him back. But he's with a "friend". When Buzz was with a "friend", he was usually f*cking said friend and I'm certain when I'm not getting any someone else is. Then again, that situation was f*cked up. He says he will call right back and it's been two hours. It's almost ten and I doubt I will hear from him tonight. I'm annoyed even though it hasn't happened but because I anticipate it to be true. If he proves me wrong, I don't know what I will do. Holy issues. Six years ago I would have solved loneliness and anxiety with drugs or men. Friday night, April 15, 2011 I am doing a load of laundry, cleaning the bathroom, and watching Will&Grace. And I couldn't be happier.

Chaos and Feelings

I live my life in chaos. My work is chaos. From the moment I walk in the door everyone is telling me things about work, about life, about relationships, you name it, I hear it. And not just from coworkers and management, but my clients. I feel like I have to call them clients now that I no longer work in weddings. Business executives and chair people. Not brides. Clients. I'm so professional. Or I sound like a high priced hooker. Wearing 4 inch stilettos, meeting with clients, and giving property tours at an airport hotel... I might as well be a high priced hooker. And I'm not that high priced... Wait... I'm definitely underpaid. But I signed on to do the job that I'm paid for and while I'm good at it, Boston told me today that my ego was getting to big for the conference table. I can't help it I'm so fantastic but I pray the Lord makes me humble because I struggled a long time in this position to get where I am. I am thankful everyday for my work. I'm proud of myself for making such positive changes over the past few months. And as that damn boy whos always on my mind would say, enough with the cheesefest. Something keeps telling me to give him a chance. I keep wanting to throw in the towl. I wear patience on my wrist but everytime our fax machine fails I want to throw it out the window in my office into the lobby in front of hotel guests. I wouldn't even feel bad about it. So I pray for patience everyday and everyday He gives me opportunities to be patient. One of these days I will get the hang of it. So back to Boston. Turns out, I adore him. He makes me crazy. Wanting to take things so slow. He's all mysterious and sexy with his East coast accent and values. I find myself having to look away cause he's so cute I am afraid I will blush, lose my cool, embarass myself, look stupid, a and b, or all of the above. He catches me off guard with things he says, tells me I'm beautiful, I smell perfect, he flirts with me, calls me Princess, and still I can't get him to ask me out more than once a month. And somehow I caught feelings. F*cking feelings. Now what am I supposed to do. I don't think they have a Rx for this.

I'm just a girl with a crush on you

I am confused. More confused now. He was right, feelings confuse things. All this time these past few months I have been learning to get in touch with my feelings, learning to feel my feelings. My feelings tell me I like him. But my broken heart keeps me from him. Step study ended and I am feeling a little lost. I don’t know what is next. I’m afraid to make a move. So I’m stuck I guess, which is never a good place to be. I have been so sick this week too. I haven’t slept all week, I’ve looked like shit every day at work. I’m bloated. Not to mention the headache, my head feels like it’s going to explode. I’m so uncomfortable. I’m exhausted. And to top it off, I’m hot. Like really hot. So after three days off, I saw him at work today. He gives me butterflies. Freaking butterflies. I’m 26 years old for f*cks sake. This is bullshit. Butterflies are bullshit. Every day I have to see him I think to myself it’s fine, you are fabulous. Then he comes around and I’m like a 14 year old girl during 7 minutes in Heaven. Giggle. I’ve never actually played 7 minutes in Heaven but I imagine there is a lot of giggling and avoiding eye contact. I find myself avoiding eye contact as if I’m afraid he will look too deep and see everything I try to hide. I’m scared of liking him too much, making a fool of myself, scaring him away, being my crazy self. Trust me, there are a number of things that can go wrong anytime I open my mouth. JO and I were talking last night while I shopped at Target and waiting for a Rx. I got a new hot pink Bluetooth and while I swore I would never be one of those people who talked on it in stores, I now am. It’s so convenient. Joce and I caught up with the latest gossip while I browsed the Clearance rack. And some gossip it was. Joce told me and I said, “Oh my gosh, I thought you were going to tell me she was pregnant, but this is WAY better!”. My new Bluetooth allows me to hang out with my BFF like we are chatting on the front swing at the Chi O house. And while I may be confused about everything else in life and love, I know that tomorrow afternoon I am loading up the car and heading North for less than 24 hours just so I can get some face time with my girl. I cannot wait until all us bitches are hitting Seattle together tomorrow night. At least for one night I can take my mind off the chaos that clouds my life.

Bored Meeting

My life has been a hot mess lately. A reflection of me maybe? I'm not sure. Where do I even begin? Two years ago when I met Buzz? One year ago when I met Garrett? Right now? I was so stressed out today I broke out in a stress rash on my chest/neck area. Yes, college friends, like the ones I broke out in before any speech I had to give, my panhellenic interview, and any other praticularly upsetting circumstances. It got so bad I had to start wearing high necked shirts all the time. That's devasting, considering how amazing my clevage is. Today before the Moose meeting my boss decides to stress me out fifteen minutes before, asking me to redo 9 packets of contracts with about 20 pages each and only so fifteen minutes later, we can cross out the changes I just made and update them with the correct details. Overall it was stupid and a waste of time and diffenitely not worth a minor panic attack. One Lorezapam later, I calmed down enough to conduct the meeting. Everything went well. I just don't know why everyone in that place gets so stressed out about the most insignificant details. You would think the f*cking world was coming to an end the way everyone gets so worked up.

My day today began with a phone call from Xtina. She very rarely gets worked up and has an amazing way of being gentle while firm. I adore her. She is my better half at work and I would die with out her support. I'm sure it takes a lot to be confined to a 12x12 office with me for 40 hours a week and she handles it beautifully.

There was an issue with a guestroom we preblocked for a meeting. I double checked everything two weeks ago when I finalized contracts, everything was fine, then as if it were a surprise everyone was shocked that there was a list of VIPs coming in for the Moose. Now me I wasn't surprised because I booked the event last year in July for 2011 and 2012. I went to the first meeting in November regarding the Moose, I put together pages and pages of contracts, reviewed them and revised them and resent them more times than I can count, I read email after email from management and clients, I attended the second meeting for the Moose in January, I met with Dennis 3 times to review contracts and rooming lists, I reviewed the group resume that Xtina spent hours preparing and reviewed the email one she sent it out. The Moose checking in today was not a surprise for me or Xtina. Or anyone on the restaurant side actually. With 405 room nights coming into the hotel, hotel revenue will likely beat my catering/banquet revenue. That being said, you would have to have been living under a rock for the past 10 months to not be aware of the details. I fill her in, take care of another reservation, and tell her to call down. Crisis averted.

As I walk in the door:

"Applied Industrial canceled their lunch tomorrow. And the audit committe meeting can't be in 114! Make sure you write it on the contract and figure out where it needs to move."

"I know. I have already taken care of this." I respond, while thinking how about you focus on your job considering you suck at it.

At 1:30pm, morning crisis I thought was averted comes back. Why it hasn't been taken care of at this point, I'm not sure? Considering guests will begin checking in at any time. No one has any idea when anyone is checking in even though all the information is in the file or on the resume, no one knows the rooms were pre-blocked even though we sent all the information out Friday.

This is bullsh*t, I am not responsible for making sure you review the information for groups coming in house. Especially when you are management.

So then my boss stresses me out and then I have to conduct this meeting with our biggest clients. Boss had told me I would be running the meeting, but then sits and the head of the table and proceeds to talk out of turn about nothing important.

We end up wasting a ton of paper and all in all the meeting was ridiculous. My day proceeded much of the same so it's no wonder I retreated to the table closet in the banquet hallway to sit on a stack of checkered dance floor and drink a giant diet coke all the while trying not to cry for fear of smearing my makeup and embarassing myself yet again.

However, looking back on really St. Patty's Day til now, my life has been a little bit of a whirlwind of confusion and drama. More details to come....

Egg Carton

I'm disappointed today. A friend let me down. And that seems to be happening a lot lately. I have been telling my sponsor, Dionne, everything about my life. The other day she said to me that she thinks of relationships as holding an egg carton, there is only twelve spots that we can handle at one time. I told her about a couple people I didn't want to be friends with any more and she said, "Think of all the new people you can fit in the carton!" Sunday I told her about an experience I had with a friend on Saturday night and she said I should tell them, "I am thisclose to taking you out of my egg carton!" And that is why she is so awesome. And it's so true, I can really only probably nurture twelve at any one time. But like usual, I have taken on too much and it's time to downsize.

Relief

I'm angry today. Tonight, this morning. Right now. I cried twice today, on the way home from work and again on the way home from the meeting. I feel suffocated by pain. My head hurts and I'm tired. Tired of fighting, tired of losing, tired of everything. I'm on edge with everyone because I can't sleep. I have been late to work and I've been barely eating. Lord Help. At least I know He is reliable. I can wait patiently because He brings relief.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn. Isaiah 61:1-2

Jesus turned and saw her. "Take heart, daughter," he said, "your faith has healed you." And the woman was healed from that moment. Matthew 9:22

He loves women like me and He heals women like me.

Fairytale

Today was a fairytale I wore a dress, you wore a dark gray T-shirt, you told me I was pretty when I looked like a mess, Today was a fairytale.

Busted

Random thought. I am so sick of dancing with the stars. For reals. America, get over it already. I'm so annoyed that celebrity news is even deemed worthy to pop up in my CNN news block on my iGoogle in the morning like Christina Aguilera's arrest. And honestly I'm into Christina getting arrested for drunk in public. I got a DUI in 2009 and got arrested. It's not very cool, I don't recommend it. And that was a DUI. She got a DIP. That even sounds stupid. I don't think they really call it that but that's kind of what happened. How dumb do you have to be acting to get a drunk in public. That's embarrassing and definitely not CNN newsworthy. I feel bad though. As if getting arrested isn't bad enough, it gets broadcast across the news.

March 1

So today is the day. I'm taking a month off men, except my gays. 31 days there are in March, 4 weekends. The thought of it gives me anxiety, but day one is almost done and so far so good. I did already have to turn down one invite, but it really wasn't one I wanted anyway so it was fairly easy to turn down. However, I met a man this past weekend and he made me giddy for the first time in a long time. I want him to call, but if he does, then what? My immediate reaction to the exchange of phone numbers, which happens oh so frequently was that he will never call anyway so I do not need to worry. Then again it's only Tuesday. It's amazing freedom to have four weekends, no dates. Except with my girls and my gays. Whatever will I do... That's the amazing part, whatever I want.

Playing House

I was never his type. I pretended for a long time that it could work. But really all I was doing was playing house with him because Garrett and Tommy didn't want me. And all he was really doing was substituting this Jessica for the one he cant have. None of it fits. I went to his house last night. We are trying to be "friends". You know my thoughts on male/female friendships. There is always arterial motives. Someone wants more than the other. I have seen it a hundred times. The man hangs around the woman he's in love with hoping someday she will realize that she loves him too and they will live happily ever after, until she gets a boyfriend or he gets a real girlfriend. Ryan and I played house for over a year. We were always together, invited to parties together, family gatherings. People expected us to be together. We talked every day, stayed the night with each other, didn't make plans without consulting each other. We were boyfriend and girlfriend without the sex. (Except for the one time I drank too much during 24 and that time on Cinco De Mayo when I was supposed to be the designated driver and had too many tequila shots.) Until he got a real girlfriend. I was just the substitute until the right girl came along. He comes back every time she leaves him, three or four times now, I've lost count. And we pick up where we left off. So I know what it looks like, except this time I was the girlfriend and Jay-Z left me for the friend. I used to feel guilty for being so angry about their friendship, since that's what Amy and Ryan did to me. I could sympathize with her. I told him tonight that he's in love with her. I know that's why he's "confused" and "it's not fair to me". He's in love with another woman. And I'm not his type. It was fun for awhile, a challenge. But fantasies never last. Looking at his history, he's into borderline white trash, frumpy girls and I am the skin tight skirt, stiletto heels wearing big boobed blonde who talks too much and is into borderline bad boys, with full sleeve tattoos and an attitude that makes my friends and family slightly uncomfortable. It never would have worked.

Catch and Release

My sister said it couldn't be done. You cannot catch and release mice. But I don't want to hurt him. I want to usher him outside because I'm disgusted in a friendly non-threatening manner. So I got the sticky mouse traps and I put peanut butter on them like Julie said and I set them out around the house. I am watching Criminal Minds and I hear something in the kitchen so I run in to find my worthless hunting dog, who hid through the entire mouse discovery, caught in a sticky mouse pad. I pull it off her paw afraid as she cries. We go up to bed even though I am scared the mouse will decide to venture out of the kitchen and up the stairs into my room. I get up in the morning, like a child on Christmas, to check my mouse traps, still unsure what to do if there is one there. I hear him, he is stuck to the trap. Just his tail, the rest of him under the dishwasher. I gently tug on the mouse pad, trying not to rip his tail off and/or vomit. He is squealing away and I feel really bad. I am finally able to get him free and he is dangling from the pad by his tail. I haven't thought this through, so I run outside. He is crying and I'm talking to him like the dog. "Okay, sweet boy (I think he's a boy), just trying to get your tail free, calm body." It doesn't work, because after all he is a mouse but after a few minutes of careful tugging, I free his tail, run in the house, shut the door, and throw up (because it's gross). Then peek out the window and he's sitting outside cleaning himself. Jessica Waters, Catch and Release Mouse Hunter, it can be done.

She Don't Need a Man

Jay-Z said to me that I was too independent. He wanted to take care of someone and that I don't need that. It's true. I have been on my own for a long time. Taking care of my heart, my home, my career, my finances. I live a nice life, filled with blessings. I love my independence. I really do value being able to take care of myself. I watched my mom growing up and I watch my mom now, she was able to take care of everything alone. She still does. I place value in being able to succeed without a man. A confidence that I can stand alone and I will until the right man comes along. Men are constantly promising things. Boston told me he would fix the clutch in the Kia. Jay-Z told me he would clean that pot I burned. A friend told me he would fix the front door that lets in cold air. The promises are endless. And yet I fight the clutch every morning, I threw the pot away, and the house is still freezing. I am skeptical for a reason. So I baked cookies tonight. Then decided to make dinner as I reached for a pot a mouse ran from the stove and hid under the dishwasher. I screamed and leapt onto the kitchen table, where I proceeded to sit while exhausted every contact in my phone looking for help. Jay-Z, Boston, Andrew, Eli, no answer. I'm freaking out! Calling a man to rescue the woman completely in despair. Fifteen minutes later, with no responses, the panic began to cease and I called my mom. She walked me through the steps of catching a mouse. I climbed down off the kitchen table, terrified. I can hear it munching away on something and I want to vomit. I drove to Fred Meyer, bought some sticky mouse traps and set them up in the kitchen. I have no idea what I will do if I catch something. But I definitely know I can't count on any man to come to the rescue. So yes, I have learned to be independent because otherwise nothing would ever get done.

2011

Happy new year. I spent the new year with good friends, had a kiss at midnight, and spent the entire day in bed on new years day. Ringing in the new year was exactly as planned. Leaving behind the drama and exhaustion of 2010 and headed into 2011 with my head high and my slate clear. New year's resolutions. Every year we make a list of things we want to avoid/try/change for the new year. Let's see what I want for 2011.

○ To lose the weight I put on the past few months while hiding from the world, I have put back on the weight I lost after being kicked around in July. I spend $50.00 on healthy food at the store tonight. So far I feel like I’m starving.
○ I said to myself on new years eve as I drove away from one of the boys who hurt me last year that I would not pursue any man this year. I'm worth pursuing.
○ I also said to myself in the same breath that I would have a Buzz free, Jay-Z free, G3 free no year. Although the list goes on, those 3 really got to go.
○ I surrender to God's plan. The past two years I have been struggling on my own, following my plan. I give this year to Him. I am sure His way is better than mine.