Myspace

I go back and forth now about missing him. I have thought the past week or two about Msypacing him. But then I think, what really is the good of it. He may not respond and then I will be mad and sad again. Or he comes back and then what? We are back into our same situation, neither one of us really happy. I told him, two Virgos together would never work. I was right about something.


I was feeling particularly low one night after watching My Sister's Keeper, drinking a bottle of wine, and crying my eyes out. I started thinking about Buzz. I was thinking maybe it was my fault. Damn booze. Sure he f***ed another chick, took pictures, and sent them to me, but I'll take the blame. Somehow as women it is always our fault anyway. I logged on Myspace. He had defriended me after our last big blowout. I tried to message him but he only accepts messages from friends. I tried to friend him but he had blocked me. I gave up in a drunken haze thinking I would email him in the morning if I still felt like it. I didn't. Once again, Myspace saved me from myself.

I Ain't Settlin

I don't want to settle. I'm very firm on my belief that I can wait until "the right man" comes along. I'm being to feel like the right man is the equivalent to the holy grail. You know it exists, but you will never find it. I think that's why we have so much divorce lately. In the older days, people were forced to settle because divorce was so taboo. Now it's much more common so people aren't worried about the ramifications of a divorce. It's like tattoos, everyone's got one these days. It's more rare to find someone without. These days people for are my age usually have 3 kids with 2 different dads and have been divorced at least once. People our parents age have most likely been divorced 3 or 4 times.

We see it in the media, it's a race down the aisle. People who don't get married typically last longer than those who do. Still, the damage done by society still remains in effect today. Women are expected to grow up and get married, pop out some kids. Everyone celebrates marriage, but those of us who are still single at 25, 28, or God forbid 30, are looked at with sad eyes that say "Don't worry it will happen for you." Just what I want, my very own loveless marriage. The new message for women should be don't settle. Focus and your career and your needs, and eventually the rest will happen. Not to mention that it will be a more meaningful and adult relationship than anything you could have produced at 20.

Relationship

They say if you love someone set them free and if they come back it's meant to be. But what if when you come back, they don't want you. Sometimes fate works in funny ways. I think people in relationships often settle because it's easier than being alone. It hard to break up with someone, especially when you live together and there is the merging of things and then the separating of things. I wonder if some people would settle forever just because it comfortable. People in this world hate to be comfortable.

Sometimes I think him and I are meant to be. I have always kept him around. I like him, I really do. I think he knows me better than I know myself. I you ask him, he would probably say the same. The miracle is, he loves me anyway. He told me today that we have a strange, dysfunctional relationship, but that he'd rather have that than nothing at all. I feel completely the same way. I don't know what I would do without him. I told him that I need him. We both know that's a lie. I don't need anyone. I want him and that's a very big difference.

It amazes me that after everything he knows I've done and everything he knows I'll do. He's never asked me to change. He's the only man I have ever been with that has really accepted all of me and stayed anyway. He's got a girlfriend so maybe that's why he can tolerate me. He doesn't actually have to see me. The men who have to actually be around me know better. I'm capable of really anything. Sometimes I don't even know what I'm going to do. Being predictable is really not one of my strong suits. I guess that's why I'm not a relationship person.

Technology

I had a bride text me the other day asking some questions about the facility. I am going to have to start programming all my brides and clients into my phone because I had no idea who it was. I didn't want to ask her because I do want her to feel like she is the only bride I have to worry about, although that is not the case. It's becoming a regular occurence though. I had a client I work with a bunch text me about a lunch he needed catered. It works though, spare me the phone call, I don't have time anyway. I love the text. I'm going to start telling brides, text me if you have questions, ha. Love it. It's going to be so much easier. Blackberry IM me if you have questions. Don't call or email. Wow. Technology right. This is where my focus should always be. I feel good about myself when work is going well. I get less complaints and more compliments. I lost site of that for a bit and I'm glad it's back this way. I guess it's all about balance. Work has always been something I'm really good at. I work hard, people love me, and I'm good with details. I guess it's all about balance. Having a social life, personal life, time alone, time with family, time with dogs, time with the man, plus work. Brides don't care what is going on in my life, this is all about them. And it should be.

Moving On

I was missing Buzz today. More than usual. I think more than anything I miss the idea of him. I'm actually doing really good. I am sad with the way things ended but I guess that is part of life. We don't ever get to choose how things go for us. As much as I may have wanted it to work it just wasn't in the cards for us. I must say that I am enjoying the woman that I have become after Buzz. I am finally getting back into a good place. Things have been rocky, but I am really moving forward. I love that he inspired me to be clean. I am aware of the house more than I was before. I still need a little help, but the first step is admitting that you have a problem :) I have made so many changes to my place. The energy is changing from all the changes I have made and it's funny that he's never even been here to see them. That was part of the problem, he could never see what I was doing for him. I'm finally getting back into the swing of things. I'm myself again with friends and I'm back spending more time with family. I'm loving the time I spend at home and the dogs are under control. Pansy is off the counters and sleeping in her bed in her room. She still sits on the kitchen table sometimes but I'm working on it. I am getting back into my groove at work. I'm on my phone calls, answering the cell and chatting with little old ladies for twenty minutes on the phone at 9:30 at night about the difference between smoked and grilled chicken. I had an appointment today with my new florist and I feel confident about my vision for Bridal Preview. I'm excited about the design and I feel good about the new vendor relationship. I had lost sight of how happy this life makes me. I forgot how it felt to be excited about the planning and the details to make my vision come to life. I'm finally scrapbooking again and doing some of my best work ever. I figure the writing will come too. Baby steps.

Timing

I work in an industry where I deal with couples all the time. I deal with brides every day. Happy couples are everywhere. I love what I do. I really do. I am so lucky to be able to work with people every day. And I'm good at it. I think it is harder to be a single woman than it is to be a single man. Men move on very easily after a breakup. They quickly find another woman to spend their time with and they forget. Woman internalize a lot of emotion. We rethink all of our actions throughout the duration of the relationship. We wonder where he's at and who he's with. Does he miss us? It's hard to want to put yourself out there again after feeling what we do after a relationship has run it's course. Women are amazing creatures. We are strong and resilient. We pick ourselves up after a fall like this and move along. This experience the past few weeks has changed me. And now that I'm not drinking anymore I'm finally seeing things clearly. It's amazing how the timing of it all can be so off though. Not only with Buzz, but with Joey. I don't know why or how we got to this place again. It was almost exactly a year ago that we were here before. I was thinking tonight that I have been selfish. I have no right to even think he should give me a second chance. Because now all of a sudden I'm ready, I think he should drop everything for me. It's not fair to him. I wasn't ready before, he isn't ready now. The time is off and who knows what the future will hold.

The Past

I don't know why he's with her when he wants to be with me. It's clear there is still something there. Of all the men in my life that I have thought were the one. I have thought that some of the men I've been with, Buzz, Harrison, Hank, have really understood me. I have always discounted Joey. I have never really given him a chance. He has always seen something in me. When we were freshman in college we used to talk on the phone for hours when we were both stuck at our families for the holidays. He stayed even when I tried to push him away. I'm not easy to live with. Or even be around. I used to walk across campus to sleep in his twin bed with him. I'd wear his clothes home in the morning. I remember the first time we had sex. We had been messing around for months and I stayed the night with him during Spring Break and I let him go all the way. We were just kids then. I moved into the sorority and he moved to his apartment in south town. I used to call him when I would get drunk with the girls and he always came. Every time I call him, he always comes. I realize now that he never changed the game. I did. I changed when I moved into the house. I changed when I became part of the "popular" crowd, something I never was in high school. I became friends with Jocelyn and I really cared what everyone thought about me. I let him go. I was so worried about what everyone else was thinking I let him go. I did some really horrible things to him and he still comes around. He's never done anything wrong to me. In all the time I've known him, he has never done anything to deliberately hurt me. I think that part of him has never really forgiven me for all the shit I've put him through. I think that's why he stays with her. I don't think he thinks I'll ever settle down. He doesn't trust me to be the dotting stay at home girlfriend. Because he knows me too well. How did we get here? He's probably right. I don't trust myself not to hurt him again. I don't blame him. I could have had him years ago if I had figured it out then. I don't think it would have ever worked then. I had too much life to live. I think the best thing he ever did to keep me, was to never hold me to close. I have no idea why he stays around me. I think he knows me better than I do. If I could write the ending to our story it would be me and him. I always said that in college. We were going to end up together. I'm not so sure anymore. I would do anything for him to love me and want me like he used to. I just don't know that he ever will again.

The illusion of relationships

I just had to say "It's not you, it's me" on a first date. It's getting to that. My dating life has got to that point. I'm not even going to continue the date, it stops here and I'm going home. Sometimes I think it's me that's the reason I'm still single. But then I see a really great couple come into my office. They are older a few years than me and I think this is what I'm waiting for, a relationship that is going to last. Guys are always worried that a woman is trying to trick them into a relationship. If I have to hear I'm not looking for a relationship one more time I am seriously going to punch the next guy in the balls. It's kind of like a polite way of saying I just want to get laid. So what they are really saying is I'm going to pretend it's going somewhere while the sex is good and until I find someone else I like better. I'm not a relationship person. I usually assume the role of the man. I don't want to talk about feelings or hang out every day. I love being alone. I really do. I think that guys think they don't want a relationship because it means being tied down. But they are all to willing to tie you down. Like with Buzz, he's free spirit because he likes to sleep around. But when I do it, I'm a big whore. Funny thing, I tamed down for him. Everyone who knows me knows, I'm not into relationships. It's too much work. I always know what I'm doing. How I'm feeling. What I'm thinking. I can't worry about someone else. It's too much. I think that women who know what they want and wont settle for less are really intimidating to a man. He thinks he's the cat's pajamas and when I don't feel the same he gets pissed and leaves for that girl who won't leave because she is actually holding on to the belief that one day it will just be the two of them. I think some people are just hopelessly single. Like me. I'm only dating married, engaged, or men with girlfriends from now on. That way I can send them home to their bitch when they start to piss me off. I don't have time to deal with your issues. I've got enough of my own.

PS. I just saw a couple riding a tandem bicycle and I threw up a little bit in my mouth.

Life

It's weird how the seasons change. Almost without you even knowing about it. I looked down today as I was entering my house and realized there were leaves everywhere. It's fall again. I guess it has happened gradually. It was getting colder outside I need a jacket in the morning, the house is cold when I get home from work. I was just too caught up in myself to notice. Seasons change. Life changes everyday. I feel like time is literally passing me by. Just yesterday I was sitting across the street from Chi Omega in Jocelyn's little red Honda chatting and drinking Bud Light. Now I'm a 25 year old woman, single living with two dogs and a cat I don't really like. I seem to have lost my way. Somewhere just recently everything derailed and I'm not quite sure how to get it back. I used to love everyday. I loved what I was doing and just living life how I wanted. Now I'm in debt, working my ass off, still paying bills late. Life used to be much less complicated. Relationships used to be much less complicated. We all had the same goal in mind in college - graduate. It was easy to find someone with common interests because they type of people you were meeting were relatively the same. Life was easy. Love was easy. Now I'm just a big lush sleeping around and getting arrested.

Don't worry, the arrest story is coming. I just haven't perfected it yet. And if you haven't heard it. Be prepared.

Lost

I can't describe how I'm feeling right now. I go from acceptance to fear to funny. I just keep thinking why me? What do I keep doing wrong? I know I made poor choices. But I feel like it's too late to fix them now. I don't even know where to begin. I feel completely lost and alone. No one really knows what I'm going through. I'm trying to accept that the past is past and now all I can do is look to the future. I can't change what I've done. But I can change what I do. I need to start making the changes I want to see in myself. I keep saying oh next time. There is no more time. The time has to be now, that's the only way I will see the improvements if I start making the effort now, not tomorrow. I messed up. More than once.. I know right from wrong, I am an adult. I have to take responsibility for myself and get myself out of this mess. I know what my goals are. I know the woman I want to be. The difficult part is being her right now when all I want to do is feel sorry for myself and give up. But despair isn't a good color on me. I just have to focus on my goals, see who I want to be, and make the changes to accompany. Everything happens for a reason. I also believe that God doesn't lead us to situations we can't handle. Tomorrow is another day.

Insomnia

I've moved past anger and frustration into hurt and regret. I'm still not quite sure what the appropriate stages are to get over someone. I'm beside myself. I'm still not really sure what happened. I keep trying to place the blame on myself. I'm sure it has got to be me. I keep going over it and over it in my head. We're women, this is what we do. Things were fine...ish Thursday. Friday he ignored me all weekend, then told me to have fun with my boyfriend. Friday I realized the paranoia and the stress were killing me and it was over. Saturday I told him. Saturday and Sunday I didn't respond to his texts. I figured if he really wanted me he'd call. He didn't. Ladies, let me tell you - never think he knows what the "right" thing to do is. Just tell him what you want. Thursday and Friday one week later things go from bad to worse and suddenly we aren't even Myspace friends anymore. He thinks I'm crazy. But my meds make that chemically impossible. I'm left alone to wonder what I did wrong and he gets to call me crazy and move on. It's not that it's even a really huge loss. I should have known better. I was instantly drawn to his tortured soul and his bad boy attitude. We clicked immediately. But when it really comes down to we know nothing about each other. He has no idea who I am. I'm sad because I don't think we really ever had a chance. He says we were never a couple and I believe him. He would never have allowed that. He made me believe I was the only one he wanted, that eventually it would be just me. And that made it worthwhile for me. I didn't want to see anyone else and I gave him the power to manipulate our entire relationship. And he did. He says he would never be satisfied by just one woman, he's a free spirit. But I'm a free spirit too. But apparently our connotations are very different and now I'm being punished because he's a polygamist. I am devastated. I developed insomnia in college when the real world and real drama started to affect me. It's been my curse ever since. When I started to get really stressed and I can't find the answers to my questions I can't sleep. I just stay awake - writing and reading and watching shows. I'm feeling better though. This morning I felt better. I'm feeling more like myself. Getting back into my routine. But something hit me like a ton of bricks right around 2 this afternoon. He hit me. Hit my thoughts. I am obsessing. I can't get it out of my head. I can't process it. I can't find the answer. I can't talk to him about it. There's a lump in my throat. My musics not help. My breathing is quick. I'm panicking. I call Kristi. I just needed to hear her voice, I'll calm down. It works. I make it through work and now here I am. Wide awake. Even Mya is in bed. Oh well, tomorrow is a different day.

Move On

I'm beside myself about this. I feel strangely calm and collected. I have proceeded with life as usual. Better than usual. I'm sleeping, eating again. Making a conscious decision to not drink my pain away. I am accepting that it's just over. I gave it the best I had. The best I knew how. This outcome may not be the most desirable and I'm sad. But life ultimately goes on. I got up this morning, dressed, and went for coffee. I was on my game at the wedding show, perky and attentive with my brides. Left work and made a brief appearance with the family. Headed to the dog park as usual and met my new friends. Watched the dogs run for an hour, home, shower, Desperate Housewives. Business as usual. He's on my mind. He's almost always on my mind. I keep thinking I could have done something different. I should have tried harder and comprised more. Maybe I provoked him or overstepped. Maybe everything was in my head and I am the crazy one. Bottom line, regardless of what happened in the past. He's gone, it's over, and I'm alone…again.


Now's the hard part. We move on.

Heartbreak

I'm heartbroken. Sad to the point of silence. Which for those who know me must mean it's really bad. I didn't turn the TV on or push play on the Ipod when I got home tonight. I literally want to be alone with myself and my thoughts. How did I get here? To this point of no return, to the point where nothing that I can think or say will make anything better. Nothing I can do will make anything better. Acceptance. It happened…move on. Sadness and tears can only get me so far. Anger and hatred can get me a bit further. This is the end. I hope that this is it. I can barely function and focus on anything but him. I'm looking for something, anything, to get me through this. A man, a bottle, a cigarette. My mind is reeling. I'm a talker, I love to fight and yell and scream til it's over. It's the silence that hurts me. It breaks me down so I feel alone and disoriented. I don't know where to go from here. As a child, I would cry or scream or throw something. As an adult, I'm in my own home with my own things so I can't break anything, I can't scream because I have neighbors, and I can't cry because the tears just won't come. So instead I just sit here alone. Broken and silent wondering where to go from here. I can't think very long term, but I'm thinking a glass of wine and a really hot shower first. After that, who knows?

Fight

Glen told me once don't pull someone into the alley until you know how they fight. So people fight fair and honest. Some people are mean and violent. I'm usually mean and violent. Not with him though, he may not think so but he got off easy. I had so many mean and nasty things I wanted to say but I held back. I don't really want to hurt him. After everything, I really don't. We just have two personalities that don't fit together. It happens all the time. Statistics show that most relationships don't work out. It still hurts though. I'm devastated. I could handle most things. Angry words are just that. But I feel that he brings up the other woman because he knows exactly what button to push of mine. What she has that I don't. I know exactly what button to push of his. I'm not innocent. I danced around it but never said exactly what I was thinking. Bottom line. I didn't want to hurt him like that. It seems like he had no problem doing it to me though.

Monogomay

So after all we've been through the back and forth it finally came to an end. After what I thought and understood to be a reconciliation I find out that Buzz slept with the other woman just recently. Recently as in directly after we were heading toward reconciliation. Wtf. Really. Why does this always happen to me? Well, I guess not really this exact situation. This has never happened to me. But why do I get guys who can't commit, who are hooked on other chicks, or who are generally just tools. After a screaming fight, he turns it around to me and what I'm doing wrong to not get him to myself. I can't help but feel that maybe he's right. Maybe it is me. I'm not doing something right to deserve him. But as he's talking I realize I don't know why he says he likes me so much because he tells me he hates nearly everything about me. I'm heartsick. I think I could have dealt if it were before when we were having problems. He says he was done with the show and ready to celebrate. But the point is he decides to celebrate inside another woman and tell me about it. Im sick about it. Literally. I let him take me to lunch and I fall back into the trap for another day. I cried on Friday after I tried to contact him twice with no response. I realized I would never trust him again and it hurts. It hurts so bad I feel like I can't breathe. I can't stop thinking about him and this other girl. Something is not right about this. This can't be love it hurts too much. I want to be with him. That's what sucks. I really do. At the end of the day, I want to be with him. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I'm drawn to him. I feel broken by him now. I can't do this. I'm never going to be okay with this. It's just not me. He says he's worth it and I want to believe him, but I don't. I'm never going to be the only one. There is always going to be another girl who is more supportive, or skinnier, or prettier, or less crazy. I should be enough that he doesn't care. I think he played me all along to believe that it could happen when he had no intention of ever following through. It's the perfect way to not ever be expected to be monogamous. WHat he didn't understnad is that trust has always been more important to me that monogomay. But this week, I lost all my trust in him.

Lesson learned. Don't date boys who date other girls too. He should want to be exclusive when it's right. If not, move on fast.

Time will tell

I have been doing a lot of sole searching this week and this past weekend. Just thinking about life and my future. Thinking about how to get things back on track. Thinking about Buzz and how our relationship has gone from bad to worse to who freaking knows. I have a feeling that the work stuff will start to work itself out. I just need to keep making progress toward my goals, keep working for it and eventually it will fall into place. As for Buzz, I'm still at a loss. I have been really thinking, do I want to continue to be involved with this? Am I willing to make the compromises that he needs to be happy and will I compromise too much so I'm not happy. I'm not sure anymore if I really like him or if i really like the idea of him. I miss him, that I can't ignore. Today I woke up missing him and it stayed with me all day long. I don't think he understands that I really am trying. That allowing him in is one of the hardest things that I have to do. I want to trust him and support him, but I'm scared. I feel like once I put this out there I have to hold to it and what if he lets me down. What if he is lying about all the other chicks? What if he never has time for me? What if my house and my lifesyle are never good enough for him? Then I've just wasted all this time and emotion for nothing. It's a hard pill to swallow. When to accept defeat. My plan was to keep doing what I'm doing, but clearly that's not working so I guess I need to do something different. I'm just not sure what. I thought long and hard today about what I would say to him and how he would take it. What if it's always like this me walking on eggshells and waiting on him to call? I miss him, I need him around. Maybe that's selfish but I feel neglected and alone. I just want to be with him, spend time with him and be reassured of his commitment. I think that's why I'm having such a hard time making my own commitment.

All the single ladies

I was at a surprise birthday party this past weekend and every young woman that walked in the door was wearing a ring. At some point it sort of starts to make me want to kill someone. I guess when I think about it there were more single women my age than engaged or married, but still. I look at them thinking what's wrong with me. I'm just as cute and fun. I don't know why I've been having these thoughts lately. I guess because I have been having so many relationship problems, I wonder if it really is me. I'm a hot mess. On a good day. I fell on Friday in the street and messed my knee up. I can't help but thinking maybe the universe is trying to tell me something. I literally fell on my face. I fell off my stilettos and hit my chin on the cement. Wow. That's how I have felt this past month played out in slow motion and much more painful. I just need to really focus in on what I want. I need to intentionalize what I am looking for and let the universe know. It's all just a beautiful storm that will pass. Patience is a virtue.

Event tip: It's okay if it rains. I have thought of a rain plan.

And the world spins madly on

I woke up and wished that I was dead with an aching in my head I lay motionless in bed. The thought of you and where you've gone, and the world spins madly on.

Ring

I keep waiting on the phone to ring. I just want to be with him today. I keep thinking he's going to call, but really I know better. Any day but today. I feel like on birthdays it's supposed to be happiness and fun. Not sadness and remorse. I want to cry and scream. My body won't let me. I just feel low. Why did he have to wait til now? Boys suck.

Alone

I'm sad tonight. Rough weekend. Actually it's really just been a rough month. So I'm fairly sure it's over with Buzz and I feel worse about it the more it sets in. I'm hurting. It doesn't surprise me, I feel like part of me knew this was coming it was only just a matter of time. It still hurts though. I can't help but feel like it's always me. I just don't know anymore. I said that to Sue a couple times tonight and she said you do know. You just answered your own questions. I guess I do know most the time, what I don't know is how to make it happen. I was working tonight at a beautiful wedding. Everything was so perfect, even the pouring down rain outside. It was a miserable day for a wedding, but they were so in love nothing else mattered. I couldn't help but wonder if that will ever be me. I thought Buzz was a good candidate. I have been running around like a circus poodle jumping through hoops to make this guy happy. That's the problem. I'm doing all this for him and he's not really doing anything for me. I'm still sad though. My heart hurts. Every time something like this happens it breaks my spirit a bit. I feel like all my fears are coming true. Everything I have been thinking and feeling is over and I have no control over it. I can't force him to love me or be there for me or just answer the f*cking phone. So why do we as women always stress about it? It's just over. All the tears and the sadness won't make him come back to me. Even though I know that it doesn't comfort me. I still feel hurt and sorry and broken down. I want to crawl into my bed and sleep til I feel better. I'm trying to feel positive. I want to not be that girl. Plus tomorrow or rather in eight minutes it's my birthday...I give up.

Committment

Everything gets better in time. It's hard to keep that in mind when things are going wrong. I wear patience on my wrist now because it's never been a virtue that I possess. I have always been quick to write things off that are scary or hard. It's always much easier to runaway from love or work somewhere you're unhappy, rather than make the decision to take the hard road. I have been thinking a lot about work. Making a decision to get back on track with my goals. I had a dream of my business and like that it was gone. It's been a hard adjustment and I feel scared to get burned again. So what, I just hang out and keep doing what I'm doing for the rest of time. I'm not sure I can do that. I just have to refocus and take a different approach. I know what I'm capable of. I just need to make it happen. Put the fear aside and give it another go. I have had so much going on and now this new friendship that I'm working on with Buzz. It's hard to make the decision to really commit to something and someone that could hurt me in the long run. I want to though. I think he's worth it. He's so different than anyone I've ever been with and he makes me feel differently than anyone has. It's hard because I want to believe him and trust him. It's a conscious decision that I struggle with every day. I've been on my own for so long, it's hard to commit to someone else.

Image

I don't know how things fell apart so quickly. It was like all of sudden there I was looking at my dream, now here I am further away then before. I truly believe that everything does happen for a reason, so I know that there is a reason for all this to be happening now instead of how I'd planned it. I just feel like I lost control, I had everything worked out and then in an instant it's all gone. I'm scared to try again. I already feel like such a failure, I'm not sure I can go through it all again. But I guess it's all a learning process. I am just frustrated because I'm not quite sure how to get it all back. I have been trying to refocus, change my energy a bit. I imagine that I'll work through it on my own in a matter of time and everyone else will just have to wait. I have been looking at myself in the mirror and I'm not sure I even know who I am anymore. Something has changed. I'm so much further away from what I wanted to be doing. I barely see brides anymore. My job has taken me out of the field and into an office with no windows and bitchy coworkers. I have no idea how this all happened. It's devastating to take a blow like this and figure out exactly where to go from here. It is liberating to know that I will figure it out.

Event tip: Don't worry about it. I'm sure it's not that big of deal.

Messy

Everything is such a mess. I seriously feel like I can't quite get anything right these days. It's like one mistake after the next. With work and Buzz, everything I do is wrong. Work used to soothe me and now all I do is f*ck it up. All the bullsh*t with Adro it's wearing on me. I can't even focus when she stresses me out the way she does. Every morning instantly there is a problem and it's my fault. I can deal with b*tchy clients, it doesn't bother me. I have been in customer service so long I can talk people down in an instant. But lately it's like every time I turn around I'm doing something wrong. My confidence is a freaking nightmare these days. I'm insecure because so many people are challenging me I can't find my footing. I can't focus when all this is on my mind. I don't want to work or socialize. I'm so freaking tired as much as I want to see him, I'll probably just mess it up anyway. All this time I'm thinking I'm a chill person and really I don't know who I am anymore. I don't even know who I want to be. I just want to get back to a place where I'm able to function on a daily basis without ruining everyone else around me. The funny thing is I'd do anything to make him happy. The same goes for Adro. So why am I always sad? It's like my whole existence is a mistake right now. I can't quite get anything right. I'm about ready to go take a nap at the bottom of a pool. Neat.

Event tip: Leave a message. I will call you back.

Already Gone

All my friends tried to warn me the day that we met
Girl don't you lose your heart yet
But his dark eyes dared me with danger
And sparks fly like flame to a paper
Fire in his touch burning me up
But still I held on
'Cause I was already gone

Here's to the night

Wow. What a night. I'm tired today but I don't feel like sleeping anymore. Might as well just tackle it all head on. I don't even know what to say. I chatted with Buzz about the whole other woman thing. I'm not sure I even care about that anymore. I guess if I want him, I will deal. There is so much other drama it's ridiculous. I'm mad that a bunch of jealous b*tches are trying to cause problems. It goes to show who you can trust and who you can't. I always have talked to much. It's weird because I feel like he knows me better than I know me and we have barely been hanging out. It is too soon though for all of this bullsh*t. I know he is right, I'm excited and I want to run my mouth to the girls. It's a girl thing. I like him and I want to talk about it. But I'm not sure telling anyone is worth losing him. At this point I wouldn't be surprised if I never hear from him again. It's hard to keep an eye on the good stuff we have when there is so much other shit bogging it down. It sucks. I don't know where to even go from here. I'm glad I have the night off so I can process. I wish that everything hadn't blew up like this and I wish it wasn't all my fault. I don't even want to hang out with me right now. Better luck next time I guess....

Peace

Something has been on my mind for awhile now and I have got to put it out there. It's eating me alive. I'm a little afraid to say anything, because I'm afraid eventually he is going to see my blog. I've told him about it, but he doesn't know where to find it...yet. So I'm not sure if this is going to work for me. This whole other chicks thing. It's freaking my sh*t out. I think maybe I'm looking for excuses to get out early. I feel as though I'm having all these crazy jealous thoughts and this is really not who I am. Nor who I want to be. I am really struggling with all these thoughts. I keep going back and forth over - I'm okay with it and get me the f*ck out of this. So here is what I think... at the moment - it hurts me that he's out with other women. I don't know what he's doing and how he is with her. Maybe they get along better or who knows what. I'm paranoid that he's going to leave me for her. It sucks. I hate this. I'm not like this. But what am I supposed to think. Maybe I'm old fashioned but I think when you are into someone seriously you stop seeing other people. Guys have been asking me out too and I feel like maybe I should go out with them. But then am I doing it out of spite? He's says he doesn't want to wear a leash so if I say something I'm inflicting that on him. I don't want to give him an ultimatum and I think that's what stopping me from saying anything at all. I can't do it. This has been on my mind for two straight days. I can't live like this. Jealous and lost in thoughts of him. It makes me insecure. I feel like I should be good enough to have him to myself. And what do they think, the other girls. To them I'm the other girl and that has already happened to me once this summer. What do they think about the situation? Do they hope that he eventually wants to be with them only? Are they really okay with it and do they really know? I haven't had time this weekend to sit and actually process all these thoughts since now. I think part of me is scared to lose him because I don't think he'll stay if he knows whats on my mind. I'm not sure I'm ready to lose him. I like him. I am happy to have met him. I have loved the time we spent together but maybe that's it. Now that it's out there I feel some peace. My mind is finally at ease. Now I just have to figure out what to do with it.

I just got out of the shower. Something I do when trying to get rid of negative thoughts. I wanted to cry like I have wanted to over a lot of the aspects in my life and nothing came out. I stood there in the water, super hot, like I like it and couldn't find any tears. I'm sad. I just think I'm all cried out. It never gets me anywhere. I need to get some sleep. I don't even like me anymore. I hate being this annoying, needy, possessive girl. I'm not comfortable in this position and I spent a long time trying to put qualities like this behind me. When I see the woman I want to be I have to be true to that. Putting aside my thoughts, and my personal beliefs is completely undermining who I am. I'm not weak. I'm not needy. I am independent. That's the kind of woman I want to be.

Distance

I was sitting this week with my girls and I was thinking that I am really lucky that we are all together and we can still live and laugh like we did when life was less complicated. So much has changed since we used to be carefree college students. Now we have dogs, and marriages, and work, and promotions, and guys who aren't in fraternities. I was so comfortable sitting at Steph's house. Laughing and joking, looking at wedding photos. I'm at peace when I'm with them. I look at them, how they each have changed and grown. We are all so different now but it fits. We have been some of the lucky few who get happier and closer with age, instead of growing apart. I trust them with my whole heart. More than I do any other person or persons in this world. That's the truth of unconditional love. You better believe we have been to hell and back. It's sad to watch as new chapters of our lives take us places we never thought we'd have to go alone but having a friend a couple hours drive away is really not the worst thing. I figure if distance is our only issue, we aren't doing so bad.

Buzz

So I have a new adventure to tell you about. He is going to die when he reads this but I guess I'll take that chance because I've never really known when to shut up. We are calling him Buzz. To infinity and beyond! That's not really why I chose that nickname but it's funny regardless. For some reason he does keep coming around, so I guess we are off to a good start. But then again I usually think that. I can't get enough of him. He's like a drug for me. Completely different than anyone I have ever been with. I can't get a read from him though. Sometimes I think he's really into me, then he tells me he's seeing other girls. Hmmm. My girlfriends say red flags should be going off in my head. And they are, but I've been ingoring them. He's so sure of himself that it's annoying sometimes. I rarely have had confidence issues but sometimes around him I'm finding myself wondering if I really am cut out for this? He says a lot of women can't handle it, the jealousy and what not. I have never been a crazy jealous person but something about him kind of brings it out of me. But at the same time he doesn't really owe me anything. We still don't know each other that well. I don't know anymore. My mind is constantly racing with thoughts of him. My head says run away!! My heart says one more chance...maybe two? I guess there is always going to be some sort of issues in a relationship, nothing is ever going to be perfect. I guess I just have to decide if I can live with it in a way that doesn't make either one of us crazy. Why does he have to be so adorable? It's an evil trap.

Bridal Tip: Try to relax before the ceremony. Stress shows in photos.

Myself

Work is getting to me. I thought I would last longer working the two jobs then I have so far. Seems like I was stronger in Seattle. Or just had better will power. I'm tired, it runs me ragged working all day and night. It's completely messed my schedule up. Working til late, too much caffeine, too little sleep. I'm sure it has got to catch up to me sooner rather than later. Thinking back to last week, I'm not even sure how I made it til now. No wonder my patience was wearing thin with everyone today. It's like I have been spending so much time with people, being my fake self that I forgot who I really am. It's true though I have a completely seperate persona that works with my clients. Keeps me sane. It would be funny though if they knew the real me. I'm just a lot less perky, a lot less caring, a lot more cynical. Funny. I genuniely love people though. That's why this life works for me. Maybe I can't remember their drink but I can remember that their dogs name is Morrison and they just resided their house with green, maroon, and white. I'm sure they would rather I just get their drinks though.

Hopeless Dreamer

So things have changed a little bit for me lately. Working a lot. Just enjoyed my first day off since starting the second job. And my cable was out because I haven't paid my bill. Ironic, since I'm not sure how long it has been out, but sucky since it was my day off. I finally ended up loading the dogs in the car and driving half way across town to get a movie I've been wanting to see. So I met this man who is really great. Turns out I met him in the mist of my downward spiral and just got to know him when I needed it most. The only problem is, he thinks I have issues. Little does he know...he's right. I am scared. He's the only man in my life lately that I actually care if he comes around again. But I do. Well actually I go back and forth between he hasn't called me and maybe it's better he hasn't called me. I guess at this point in life the only thing that would actually surprise me is if he stuck around. I feel like my chances have got to be getting better since I have been having such shitty luck lately. I don't know anymore. I'm really just trying to deal with life as it's coming at me. Things can change in an instant and I just have to refocus to accommodate. And for the most part I generally feel like I'm getting it. I have been dealing pretty well, being really flexible in my plans. Refocusing my goals. Working on my patience with customers. I literally look at that tattoo 15 times daily and remind myself to stay patient. Everyone has their one issue. Something that is so important to them and their experience. Like the beer at their wedding or the rate at which their Keno ticket is processed. Or something that is so important to their being. Like the drama at their club or a couple burnt racks of ribs. Things that aren't the end of the world, but to that person - it's everything. My point is that people aren't perfect. I'm not perfect. Most the time I can realize my mistake but most the time I still make it at least one more time before it really hits home. Everybody is different and has that one thing that makes them tick. For me it's insecurity of being abandoned, some people it's jealousy, some people alcoholism, some people popularity, some people status. Everyone in this world who is living life, is living with issues. Every experience we have is priming us for a choice we will make in the future. So how do we counteract for this? I'm not sure. I know I don't want to feel the way I do. Or act the way I do because of a feeling. But I do it anyway. I guess the main thing is whether or not you can live with someone elses issues. I can't make anyone like me or want me no matter how badly I want them to. So why keep worrying about it? I guess because deep down there is still a hope in me that one of these times I'm going to get it right and it's going to work. Because one of these times it is going to. But if I don't keep trying I will never know. And with every experience I'm getting stronger and wiser....Hopefully.

Event tip : I get it - it's urgent. But trust me at the end of the day. It truly can wait.

How many times can I break til I shatter

I'm tired tonight. Tired of working, tired of waiting on someone to call, tired of putting a smile on my face, just tired of it all. I was thinking as I was driving tonight, that is almost as if things were going to well for me so the universe decided to flip the switch and change it up. Not that things are really that bad. Sue told me that there is always something worse. And she's right. She's usually right :) It's true though, there is always something worse. I'm making money. I have a great family. I don't know why I feel so discontent. I'm bummed about the business stuff. So much time and hard work down the drain. I don't know anymore where this road is going. Maybe I'm not cut out to be a business woman. I have been doing my best to push all of the thoughts out and just work, so once I finally get some off time it's hitting me hard. Plus having to smile and listen to all the bullsh*t when I really want to tell them to shut up, I really don't care, makes me want to go a little crazy. I felt like I was really on track. Headed toward somewhere I wanted to be. Now I have no idea where I'm going. I know it's all going to be okay. I just need to take a deep breath and refocus.

Fear

I wish that something I was so excited about wasn't so intimidating for the world. I know when people think outside the box and when they want something out of the ordinary it can be scary for people to process. Everyone is talking so loud, I can't even hear what I want anymore. I have been trying to stay strong with my thoughts and my ideas. I knew when I started this that everyone was going to have an issue. But now I feel like I don't even really know what I want anymore. This is my dream come true. I know the risk. I understand the responsibility. I have thought about it more than everyone thinks. I respect the fear and the concern. I realize that I have not always made the best decisions in the past. I'm trying to look into my future and make the decisions that move me to where I want to be. How am I supposed to make the right decision for me when everyone is telling me what I'm supposed to do with myself? And to what extent am I supposed to listen? Do I just give up everything I have been working for to make them more comfortable? I think part of the problem is that they are afraid I might be successful. Make too much money, be too powerful and independent to need them anymore. I know that I could fail. But that doesn't scare me. I've experienced a lot of failure in my 24 years. I'm not sure that there is a such thing as failure. So I try something new and it doesn't work. It wouldn't be the first time. Sure I'm scared. I have thought about every possible thing that could go wrong. But if we all lived like that there wouldn't be entrepreneurs and famous actors and overseas teachers. I just can't imagine my life anyway else. All of my life I have always thought about my future. I used to imagine going away to college and then I spent 4 wonderful years at O State. I used to imagine I had a dog, now I have two. I always imaginedbI would be independent and live and work in the city, now I'm pretty close to that. Now I imagine that I own and run my own business. That I am making money and doing my thing. For me it's a natural progression. I'm not scared because I know what I'm capable of. I trust myself. I just wish other people would trust me to make the right decision for me. I hate that I'm questioning myself now just because of all their gossip. I am putting my faith in the situation and praying that somehow in the next day I'll be able to make a decision that everyone can live with. But mainly I just care about if I am able to live with it. It would just be easier if everyone were supportive unconditionally. It makes me want to prove them all wrong. I can't entertain the thought that it might not work because then it might not work. I have to only think positive and keep thinking about the future or I will always be stuck right here, never moving forward. Paralyzed by the fear of the unknown. Well what I do know is I'm good at what I do, I love it and it's not work to me. It soothes my mind when I can't think straight. As I work through the details of an event it calms my nerves and focuses my thoughts. As I see my vision and my notes come to life, I feel accomplished. I watch ceremonies and toasts and dancing, it makes me happy and hopeful. I was born for this.

Bridal tip of the day: Hire a videographer. You will not regret it.

Cheaters

Twice in one week I've had to have a conversation with Joce about men with girlfriends. Twice in one week, on two seperate occasions I've been out with men who called me, asked me out, and after getting me on the hook told me that they have girlfriends. Hmmm...not a pattern I'm liking. At least they are honest? I feel like there is nothing more to say. You have a girlfriend, I'm single. It's not fair to her, it's not fair to me. Really the only one winning here is him. First, Harrison. Which is neat, since I've been hanging out with him for months and he's always been sketch. Now I know why. I feel like I knew. I knew it had to be another girl. If he's not hanging out with me, then there definitely must be another woman. And I don't really want to be the other woman. I guess because it's so taboo it's kind of exciting. But really the only one who's going to get hurt here is me. He's not leaving, although if your boyfriend were cheating on you. Why would you stay? Once a cheater always a cheater, or so I've heard. Next time you see me it's going to be on Cheaters with Joe Grace and a camera crew up in my face and some crazy b*tch trying to stab me. Maybe it's best I just don't respond anymore. I'll work on that.

This Year

Wedding season this year is a lot slower than I am used to. I have done a lot more of my own weddings this year which is nice. Branching out a bit. I got in from vacation at 2AM and had to get up at 7AM to start the day. Wedding setup. I got a sunburn. All that time in BFE Oklahoma in the crazy heat and not once did I even get a hint of red. Neat. Oh Oregon, how I missed thee. Stephanie's wedding is this week. I can't believe it's here finally, we have been working on this for a year now. I realized today that this is the first wedding that I have been really close to. I can only imagine how Stephanie is feeling. For me it's all professional. I know I will show up, setup, be hot, have only a quick second to change, stress out a bit, and then it will be over. That's my routine, although lately I get a lot less stressed than I used to when I was starting out. One of my events this weekend was having all sorts of issues and when I would usually be upset, I finally just accepted that this happens. I guess it's about time. I have done enough weddings at this point. I'm excited for what the future will bring me. I know it is going to be an amazing life with amazing brides and extraordinary events. At the end of the day, the end of the weekend, the end of the month. I still love what I do.

Bridal Tip of the day: Enjoy it. All the planning and the hype are finally here. You deserve to sit back, relax, and enjoy the day with the man or woman you love.

Home

Home. Everyday this word takes on new meaning for me. I just got home after a week long vacation. As I was driving home tonight I realized that I am lucky to be where I’m at. There are so many people in this world who don’t get to drive home to family or friends. That don’t know what that feeling is like. It’s always bittersweet though. I didn’t want to live OKC and Darci. It makes me sad. And I am contemplating the idea of making a change depending on where this year may take me. It’s too early to tell. I have always thought that I had to move somewhere to have a real “life”. That I wasn’t really living if I wasn’t someplace besides where I grew up, someplace amazing like New York or Seattle. But after spending a week experiencing a new walk of life, I realized this is what life is all about. Being near your family and having close friends, even those only a flight away, taking vacation with your girlfriends while you’re young and single, sitting at mom’s on a Sunday afternoon eating BBQ and watching the dogs run. I’m living life and I must say I have a pretty nice one.

Vacation

After my week long vacation of rest, relaxation, friends, fun, sun, boys, and way too much partying. One thing has been on my mind since last week…Tommy. And trust me, it annoys the f*** out of me. Here I am in sin city having the time of my life and thinking about him. How dare he intrude on my thoughts when I was supposed to be having fun. And as I showered tonight after laying in the pool all day, I was wanting to talk to him about something I don’t know anyone else will be able to understand. I know I do things he doesn’t understand sometimes because he got to miss out on 3 years of my life. I want to look forward more than I look back, but I feel like I never really grieved the loss of the man I loved. It hurt too bad to process and so I just tucked it away. I ran as far in the other direction just so I wouldn’t hurt anymore. So here he is back in my life again. And now I’m being forced to deal with and process all the emotions I left behind.

I am thinking about it now because people say they are truly friends with an ex. But I know that Tommy will never be friends with me like Darci is friends with me or JO is friends with me. Joce cried with me when Tommy left the last time. She held me when I didn’t think I could go on. She supported me in my decision to run and supported me again on my decision to come back. She is the only one in the world who can calm me down and she does it without fail every time. Darci has seen me at my best and worst. She knows want I am capable of before I do. She laughs with me and supports me even when she knows I’m wrong. It truly was love at first sight. I have never seen more beautiful women then the ones I call my friends. I could never drive these girls away – Steph, Whit, Joce, Darci, Adrienne, Jamie, Jessy, Mikaila, Amanda – even though sometimes I’ve tried. But Tommy has walked out on me once. So what is to stop him from doing it again.

This is what I’m afraid of. Out loud and in the flesh. I don’t want to hurt like that again. I know that love means putting yourself out there and that sometimes means rejection. This experience with Tommy has jaded my whole love life to follow. I believe that someday it will happen to me. I am just so scared in the process. And I’m not a woman who gets scared. He’s got me turned into this insecure, blubbering girl. I can’t read him. I can read most men. But Tommy gives me nothing. I am angry with him still for moving on as quickly as he did. I am hurt for watching him walk out like he did. I am annoyed because he still gets to me as hard as I try to not let him. I feel like there is so much still there for me and he couldn’t give a f***.

So now what? How does one process all these feelings and move on. That’s where I’m at now. I want to. I want to process all these feelings and move on. I want to put Tommy behind me and look forward. He may be my past, but he’s not my future and since he’s made that perfectly clear shouldn’t that be enough. He doesn’t want me move on. But instead it’s like I’m trapped in limbo. I’m waiting for him to leave again so I don’t want to get close. But I miss him so much I don’t want to let him go again. He is the only man I have ever loved. Do you ever really move on? Maybe it just takes someone new to move on. Tommy moved on and fell in love again. Maybe that’s why this doesn’t bother him. Or maybe just cause he’s a man. How does someone just move from that kind of love to someone new? And if he doesn’t feel it maybe he never did and it’s all in my head. Sometimes I just think it’s all too much and if I just walk out first I won’t have to deal with all this bullsh*t anymore. But then it will just hunt me down in the future and do it again.

Hmm…looks like I’m up a creek.

The city

I took a walk tonight with the dogs. I've been working on making some big changes to my life and my attitude. So I've adopted a new positive outlook on life. Or at least I'm trying too. I have been reading a lot lately too. You know I love the library. I've been reading every night and one of my books said to find something that makes you ecstatic and do it for at least 10 minutes a day. I've wanted to start taking a pictures again so tonight I grabbed the camera and I grabbed the dogs and we left. So I just walked and took pictures of anything and everything that struck me as beautiful or different. It's amazing what you can find when you wander a little out of your comfort zone. I had no idea some of the houses in my area were so pretty and old. Some of them you wouldn't even believe we were in Salem. So as you now know, love is usually not far from my mind. I am a very passionate person. I feel like I am one of the most honest people in the world. I never lie. I don't see the point in it. And I live my life like this is who I am, deal with it. But there is this whole other side of me that is a people pleaser too. But that is in my head, which is one of the things I've been trying to stop. All the self-doubt and inconsistencies in my head. I got off topic :) So I'm walking along thinking about my trip to Vegas coming up this weekend and how all the girls going with me but one are married or engaged and I feel some doubt in my head that that will ever happen to me. So I'm thinking about all this as I'm taking pictures and walking with my dogs. I realize now that this is what I've been wanting for as long as I can remember. When I was growing up in high school and just beginning to think about the future. I wanted to be independent, have a dog and a job and live in the alone in the city. While some girls dream of a wedding and a man, that has never been on my mind. Along my path I was thinking I was making mistakes, but really everything that I have done has led me right here. I realize now that I felt I tried and failed at moving to my city. But now I realize Seattle just wasn't where I was ready to be. Now I am living in my city, in my random, completely non cookie cutter apartment, walking my two dogs through interesting old houses downtown. I have been so blinded by everything else in life, I didn't even realize it til I embarked on this journey of self-discovery. I wasn't ready for love. I couldn't appreciate a relationship when I was looking for myself still. I feel like I get the best of both worlds because I get to still look forward to what the future has for me and I get to enjoy all this great single time alone. I may never get this back. I do believe in marriage. I believe that two people can find each other when they are ready and make a relationship to last. But I also believe you have to be ready for that relationship or it will never work.

Bridal tip of the day: I cannot repeat this enough, DO NOT get caught up in all of the meaningless details. Try to focus on the reality of the relationship and the commitment you are making. Really this should be the first great party you throw together on your long path of life.

Feelings

I've been thinking a lot lately about the situation with Hank. Maybe I made a mistake. Maybe I was being a big girl and taking things too seriously. But I think that at some point sex is always serious. I think that women always over think the situation, we are prone to thinking about what we did wrong and how we could have done things differently. I haven't called or text him since. I've thought about it, everyday. It's funny with Jordan, I couldn't stop myself from calling or texting, with Hank I can't bring myself too. I'm feeling good, happy and healthy. I miss him. But I think that it's unfair to expect things to go back to normal or to try again if my heart's not really in it. I think I'm scared because I have been able to put the feelings away as if they were make believe. I think maybe they were. True feelings don't go away as easily as I feel these have. Maybe it was all in my head. Maybe I'm just not willing to chance it. I don't want to ever feel the way that I did with him again. He hurt me and I guess that's all I need to know.

Change

All this time I realized and believed that things would change. I never thought that I was one of those things. But even from last year to now, I'm not the same. Every day that passes and every new experience is changing me. I see people from my past and I feel as though I don't fit with them anymore. I am different. I still enjoy hanging out with them, I'm just different. This has been on my mind for awhile thinking about how I am always afraid of everyone's reactions to everything I do. What if they put themselves in my shoes? How would they feel if they couldn't be themselves around me. If I was constantly judging them. I feel as though maybe it's selfish, but really I just don't think that much about other people, except when I am worried about their reaction. It makes me mad that some people can be so judgmental all the time. I'm just living my life. I believe that life is a gift and I am living. I make mistakes, just like everyone else, but it seems sometimes that mine are magnified. Everyone says I have the tendency to be a drama queen. But maybe my life is just more interesting. I think the point of relationships is to grow and change with each other along the way. That's why marriages and relationships fail, when one person doesn't change or doesn't like the new person someone has become. It's like with my family. For some reason it seems like they are critical of everything that I do. My horoscope today said that I should lower my expectations of people so they don't disappoint me. I've come to expect it now and I feel like now they've lost the opportunity to know what I'm doing most the time until after it's done. I do value their opinions, but at some point somethings got to give.

Patience

I was without internet for almost a month at home so I'm finally back on line. It's time now to start looking at the business again. Sue and I are meeting in a couple weeks to sort it out. I'm kind of excited. I had thought that it was never going to happen for me. I always think that if you work hard enough and you keep believing then it will. I think this is the year for me to take over. I am ready for it. I know what it takes and I have what it takes to do it. I just have to keep working at it and take the patience to wait and let it take shape on it's own. The recent turn of events has really helped me put my life and my work in perspective. Kira's wedding was last weekend and I worked morning to night for three days in a row. Not to mention all the preparation for the week of. I realized that I really do love what I do. I was tired and sore, emotionally and physically, and yet at 11 at night of day two I still had a smile on my face. I'm not sure I can or I want to do anything else. Life hit me hard this week. I finally had time to slow down and really feel everything that I had been thinking about over the past couple weeks. I was surprised by my ability to completely put everything else out of my mind and just focus on her. Everything went as well as we could expect. A few minor issues, like most weddings. I was down this week though once I finally had a moment to think about everything. But I'm doing okay. I'm going to be okay. Just have patience. Things will change.

Who knows

I don’t know if I know what I am doing. Part of me is saying yes, he’s wrong stay gone. Part of me is saying you’re crazy what is wrong with you he’s gone. I know that I’m not mistaken that I am feeling better since he’s been gone. I’m not low self esteem or anxious. I just live and work and breath like I did before I became one half of this unhealthy relationship. I think that this happens so much to us, maybe I’m really not serious when I think I am. I’ve been trying to leave for awhile now and he hasn’t let me. That is quite the revelation. Here I am thinking that he doesn’t care and doesn’t want me around. But he hasn’t let me go or held it against me that I try to leave once every other week. I don’t know. I know that I push people away and I know that maybe I could have worked it out if I had just taken another week off and not went to happy hour with JO. I had been thinking about it for awhile, but I could have never said anything without my liquid courage. But I guess now he knows. I don’t know why I feel the need to explain myself when no man has ever given me that courtesy. I think when I explain it to him, I am more trying to explain it and justify it to myself. But then again, only me and him know the real story. We can’t change it now though. It’s already happened and been brought to the surface and now once again I’m left to pick up the pieces. And that’s what started it all last night. I was so mad and DITM treating Joce like nothing that I was in an angry men who’ve wronged me mood. I was so hurt watching her deal and feeling her strength that it made me want to stand up for myself. I deserve to get what I want. And he deserves to get what he wants. Ryan used to tell me that it didn’t matter if some guy was the man of my dreams if I wasn’t the girl of his. True. Just doesn’t make it hurt any less.

Nicknames

I was hanging out with my best friend who is leaving me tomorrow for a man in Oklahoma. We were shopping one day and driving to get pumpkin blizzards, just a typical day in our lives that will change tomorrow. We came up with these nicknames together and were laughing so hard because they are so true. Just goes to show you - If you don't want me to write about you, You shouldn't do bad things...

Some are mine, some are hers, enjoy and take creativity making your own. It's helps, I promise.

Dirty-boss Johnny, I'm in love with Aurora Ian, Dry Hump Shane, Strip Club Andy, Sextexter Daniel, E.D. Jonathan, Too Cool Corey, Don't Hurt Yourself Mike, Hey Arnold Tommy, I'm so sorry Isaiah, Joe Grace DJ, DITM Skylar, Bad Sex Matt, I'm moving to Minnesota Andrew, Closed mouth Clinton, Creepy Chris, Stalker Steve, Jailbait Garrett, Griffindwarf, High Maintainence Hayden

I'll think of more and let you know.

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

So there has been something on my mind lately that I have held off sharing because I'm a little afraid of the ramifications. I haven't blogged in awhile because I'm not sure I want the world particularly a certain man to know what's been on my mind. But I think now I'm ready to share. I'm hoping it will help clear my communications and change my energy. Something has developed over the past few weeks that has made me all sorts of confused. Let's call him Hank. Once again, if you can figure that out enlighten me. I actually do has a reason behind the names. But like usual there is always a method to my madness. And there is actually two of them and the story kind of winds around both. Let's call the other one Steve. I could probably piss off a lot of boys with the nicknames I've developed, some of which are not even appropriate. I'm thinking in the next blog I'll actually tell you the nicknames I use in everyday life and see if you can match them up with their event diva alias. So I have known Hank and Steve both for years now. We have been friends for quite some time throughout the years. I guess it's safe to say as we have become adults we have become a little closer than before. It's so much more complicated then when we were sixteen. It was so easy then, I was young and carefree, not so jaded. Everything get's confusing when we become adults and have to live in real life with real consequences. I don't want to drag the world into every pathetic detail, so needless to say boy and girl friendships a little more complicated than girlfriends. I know better than this, I keep thinking. This always happens to me and I'm almost positive it's usually my fault. Although it does take two to tango. Bottom line, two boys one wants me, one doesn't and sometimes I wish it was reversed. I finally just gave up on both since I can't get what I want and I can't seem to figure it out. I tried to be honest with Steve and tell him I just need to sort some things out. Truth is I am sure I'd rather just be alone then hang out with him. So I cut him loose. Hank on the other hand couldn't care less about me and my feelings. I think he thinks he's being a friend but really he's just pissing me off. He was so quick to jump into the sack with some new chick, with literally no regard to me. I am sure he didn't even think it was an issue or he did he just didn't care enough to not do it. I'm disgusted a little bit with the actions of my so called friend. I don't feel really angry or hurt. I honestly just want to be alone. I'd rather be alone then disrespected. So I've been avoiding him. Easy to do with some chick hanging around. I am so put off by the situation, I can't even bring myself to hang out because that might mean actual eye contact. And I can't look him in the eye right now. I don't know if I ever will be able to again. I feel like he was so eager to find something else that he missed what was right here in front of him. I think someday I'm going to realize I wasted a lot of time on him and I hope someday he realizes that he missed a potentially really good thing. I still don't know if I'm ever coming back. I feel like now is the time for me to pick up and run the opposite direction. I know I deserve better and I know someday I am going to be worth more than sex. I guess I just never thought it would be one of my best friends to prove that to me.

Two more bite the dust. I'm taking a break now. All I want to do is be single. This way I don't have to deal with the drama. I always know what I'm doing and how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking. I don't want to worry about someone else. I know that someday when it's right, I'll make time for someone. Till then, I'm just living it up, sleeping in til noon with my dogs on Sundays, eating ice cream and watching Will and Grace, throwing myself into work.

Bridal Tip #6 - You will not remember that your linens were creased from being pressed and your guests will not care. Don't waste time on unnecessary details. It will just stress you out.

You want a piece of me

Wedding season this year has got me down in the dumps. I’m feeling lonely and the thought of happy couples makes me want to throw up a little bit. I got a wedding invitation in the mail yesterday and I thought to myself, if one more person I know gets married I’m gonna kill someone. I have been so busy with work and I just feel like I can’t catch a break lately. It seems like everyone wants a piece of me -my brides, my parents, my sisters, my boss, my friends.

Sometimes people tell me that I don’t ever say no and that’s the problem. It’s easy for people to take advantage. I had a bride cancel on me recently and it always makes me so mad because I have already done so much work at this time. And they don’t realize. And I can’t be the terrible person that still invoices her for my time when her fiancé just lost his job. I have a rather large wedding tomorrow night and I had told the bride she could come drop stuff off at 11 this morning. They left at 5:45PM and acted like I was the huge inconvenience when I told them they had to go. It’s hard to catch some down time these days and lately that’s all I want. I just want a break from life and work and weddings. I had a fundraiser on Saturday and it was the same situation. A bunch of bitchy people who expected gold when they had already received silver. Makes me feel like I can quite do anything right these days. I have Kira's wedding this weekend. She keeps apologizing for being a bridezilla and she is the farthest from what I have been dealing with lately. Probably because she works with me on a daily basis and knows what I'm capable of. Unless I'm stressed, my brides have no reason to worry.

Event Tip #2 - It's understandable to get stressed the day of the event. Something is bound to go wrong. Don't yell at the people who are able to fix it. Nothing gets accomplished that way.